Idiotic Radio Calls

[AirBoard]

i vote for Boston as the friendliest, wittiest, group of controllers...anyone ever hear the guy sign off with "Moca Hagati"

Or Asta La Vista, or a bunch of other languages. I think he picks up a greeting for every nationality of airlines that fly in. There's something in Icelandic for that airlines - can't remeber though.

 

[46Driver]

I always wondered what MOCHA HAGATI meant.....

Did hear this going into Boston one day:

Boston Center: "Delta xxx, maintain max forward speed for spacing."

Delta xxx (with a deep Southern drawl): "Roger, tongue out, ears back."

 

[T-Gates]

I'm lucky if I make 1 or 2 non-moronic radio calls after a few highspeeds...and let's not forget the great PA's after 5 hours of sleep.

Yeah, just last night I made a beautiful PA to just myself. I forgot to hit the button.

Then I asked for lav-service on Ramp freq.

It was a real Darwin-tastic day for me

--03M

 

[DoubleDown]

"Minneapolis Center 123BE has the field in sight and would like to cancel IFR"

"Roger 123BE cancellation recieved, sqwak V and F'n R. Good Day"

 

[FLB717]

Heard this in ATL

76 pulls onto taxiway and stops not contacting ground

ATLG "Delta 123 Heavy ATL Grd"

3 calls with no response

D123H"Delta 123 Heavy ready to taxi"

ATLG"Delta what are you doing?"

D123H"uhh? what do you mean?"

ATLG"Why did you taxi onto my taxiway and stop without calling?"

D123H"The ramp told us to pull out and the call you"

sort of kiddin
ATLG"They did, did they well see about that"

Delta Captian get on radio (female)
D123H"ground I do NOT like your attitude"

ATLG" My wife says the same thing"

OtherAC"hey wasnt I married to you?"

AnotherAC"Ja ever get you truck back?"

SomeAC"That reminds me I need to call home"

D123H makes no comment and turns and taxis to the active.



from the inyour face department (2 years ago)

ATLRamp "Delta234 (727) follow Citrus to 3 North contact ground .9"

Delta234 " Yeah we ll follow ValueJunk"

Some Citrus "Thanks Western for lettin us go first"

 

[T-Gates]

ATLRamp "Delta234 (727) follow Citrus to 3 North contact ground .9"

Delta234 " Yeah we ll follow ValueJunk"

Some Citrus "Thanks Western for lettin us go first"

Now THATS funny!

--03M

 

[Looking4Traffic]

About 10 years ago I was flying a charter trip into Seattle with an arrival time of about 3:00 a.m. When I say that we were the only airplane aloft in the Pacific Northwest, I'm not exaggerating very much.

Anyway, our last center controller asked us if we had time to hear a quick joke before turning us over to approach. We said "sure" and the following transmission followed:

"What's the difference between an air traffic controller and Big Foot?"

"Okay, we'll bite . . . what's the difference?"

"Well, there's been sightings of Big Foot!!"

 

[Swaayze]

On final to DFW, controller gets a stuck mike: "yeah, I...oh sh*t"

My Captain (PF): "Oop, don't say sh*t with a stuck mike"

 

[maddog805]

ATC - Traffic 12 o'clock 5 miles opposite direction, he'll pass a thousand feet below you.

ME - Roger in sight, he'll go blow me.

 

[StuckInASaab]

Heres one for all the Mesa H8rs. Heard this one the other day on Cleveland Center and it must have been either Piedmont, Comair or PSA as there were only a few of us on the frequency:

Cleveland Center: "Air Shuttle 5XXX, Descend and Maintain one five thousand"

Air Shuttle: "One five thousand, 5XXX"

Unidentified Voice: "Yeah, if we just did what you just did to the industry, I wouldnt want to say my call sign either."

Also heard this on while flying in the Northwest:

Minneapolis Center: "Lakes 3XXX, Traffic 12 o'clock one five miles, a flight of two p-51 mustangs"

Great Lakes: "Aah, sweet, we will definately be looking for them."

Minneapolis Center: "Do you mean that you dont normally look for traffic when we point it out."

Great Lakes: "Thats not what I meant, I just mean that we wil be looking a lot harder this time."

 

[LR25]

One day at JAX, not long after 9/11..

"JAX APP CAP flight XYZ 15 miles out to pick our clearance"

"Roger CAP flight, I dont have anything on you, did you file a flight plan?"

"Yes, do you not have it?"

"Nothing here, you might want to call flight service, but I would make it fast becuase the F-15's are scrambling"

"Yes sir, we will go back to the airport and land!"

He wasnt kidding, the National Guard F-15's were just turning the engines as we pulled out onto the runway for takeoff.

 

[Be200pilot]

got this one from cleveland center last fall

center: King Air 1234 how do you read this transmiter?

Us: You seem a little weak

center: Yeah Ive been called that before but I'm sure you're no Chuck Yeager.

 

[DrewBlows]

Heard recently on the tower freq in Battle Creek, MI.

Background: Pfizer recently bought out Pharmacia and replaced Pharmacia's Citations with new EMB-135s. The crews getting checked out in the new airplanes had been doing pattern work at BTL and had pulled onto the ramp to switch crews when this conversation took place. It was the middle of the day with a full traffic pattern (mostly 172's).

TWR: Welcome to Battle Creek, you should come here more often.

EMB: Thanks, we used to be Citation 1UP and 2UP, we've gotten a little bigger.

TWR (without skipping a beat): Oh, it must be those little blue pills.

(Those who know what little blue pills Pfizer makes will find this funny, I think)

 

[8HourPilot]

CLE ATC:Mooney 404XX Caution wake turbulance Arriving ATR42 Runway 23L, youre cleared to land RWY 23R.

CLE ATC:Mooney 404XX I see you passed the ATR on Final.

CLE ATC: Jetlink 3214 Caution Wake Turbulance Arriving Mooney.

 

[8HourPilot]

We all cant count how many interesting radio calls that particualr tower contraooler has made over the years.

"How about another right 360"

 

[Skull-One]

Okay I'll bite... This one goes back to my flight instructing days.

I was in San Antonio for a year flying 152s and Grumman Cougars. Needless to say, when it is 112 degrees outside and you've been flying for nine hours....you aren't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

We're on final for the right side with a 737 hauling up our arse. I told the controller we could sidestep to the other side if it would help.

"I *SAID* 'CLEARED TO LAND, NINER *RIGHT*!'" the controller replied.

"Roger, cleared to land niner right, Cessna 12345."

I then proceeded to mutter to my student, "Gawd a m n what an a$$hole. I don't know what crawled up his a$$ and died, I was only trying to be helpful. Sheesh." *pause* "He didn't have to be such a d*ck about it." Long silence during which time I begin to suspect a stuck mike. I tried to gracefully exit. "Well...actually, he's just trying to do his job. He's not the d*ckhead, I am." *Click* (Sound of me unsticking mike.)

"Cessna 12345, you guys need to pay attention to your equipment. You've had a stuck mike for about thirty seconds."

WOOPS...............

Before switching to ground I managed to say, "Great job sir, previous comments notwithstanding."

D'OH! What a lunkhead.

 

[Skull-One]

Just recalled another one. I was in the tower at Stinson Field in San Antonio watching one of my students solo. Tower clears a 172 to land and we hear, "Skyhawk 12345 cleared to land. Okay, baby, he said you are cleared to land. Now, bring it on down nice and easy. Watch the sink rate....little more power. Keep it coming....looking good. Okay, now don't forget to flare. Come on, pull it up....more more more! BACK PRESSURE OH SH*T! <THUD!> G A W D A M N I T NOT LIKE THAT! D A M N I T you always do that!"

This went on for another 90 seconds until they figured out the issue... HEHEHEH. *PRICELESS.*

 

[OneTuffGuy]

found the following on a website...enjoy!!!


ALTERNATE AIRPORT: The area directly beyond the active runway when the engine quits on take off

ALTIMETER SETTING: The place where the altimeter sets. Usually hidden by the control column during a near-minimums instrument approach.

BANK: The folks who hold the mortgage on your aircraft.

BI-PLANE: What you'll say to your bird if flying costs keep going up

CARBURETOR ICE: Phrase used by pilots when explaining accident caused by fuel exhaustion.

"CLEAR": Warning shouted two seconds after hitting the starter button.

CONTROL TOWER: A small shack on stilts inhabited by government pensioners who can't hear. When they become blind, they are sent to centres.

CRITICAL ALTITUDE: Minus six feet.

CRITICAL ENGINE: That part of your airplane which used to be under the cowl, but is now in intensive care at the maintenance shop.

DEAD RECKONING: You reckon correctly, or you are.

DE-ICER: A device designed to operate under all weather conditions, except icing.

ENGINE FAILURE: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.

FIREWALL: Section of aircraft especially designed to allow all engine heat and smoke to fill the cockpit.

GLIDING DISTANCE: Half the distance from your present position to the nearest decent landing area at the time of complete power failure.

GROSS WEIGHT: Maximum permissible take off weight, plus an extra suitcase, a case of bourbon, rifle, ammo, golf bag, bowling ball, and diving weights.

HOLDING PATTERN: The term applied to the dogfight in progress over any radio facility serving a terminal airport.

RANGE: Five miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks have become filled with air.

WALKAROUND: What you do when waiting for weather to clear.

 

[SmackYourPappy]

"Cinci Tower, Blueridge 6983 checking in 18L and looking for a job!" A number of comments from Comair and Delta pilots in line for takeoff..............................................................! Tower Laughs

Aint that the truth.... hang in there bro- this is gonna be fun!

 

[BaronFR8Dog]

Otto, I fly single pilot freight at night and have been for two years. I have NEVER even come close to running out of fuel.

Fuel management is the most basic of piloting tasks. Anyone who can't do this should not be flying.

IMO, any one of these nitwits who run out of furel and land on highways or in fields should be revoked for two years minimum.

What's the old saying: The only time you can have too much fuel is when you're on fire!