Fun with ACARS Messages

[viper548]

Got a funny one the other day from our dispatcher... while at FL310.

YOU ARE FLYING OVER MY
HOUSE IN 5 MINUTES. CAN
YOU CHECK AND MAKE SURE
MY DOG IS STILL IN THE BACK
YARD. 3RD HOUSE WEST OF
HOME DEPOT. BLUE ROOF.

DOG STILL THERE. ALL 4 OF YOUR HARLEYS STILL IN THE DRIVEWAY TOO.

 

[DX Rick]

here Is My Email Address And Password. Can You Check And See If The Divorce Has Been Finalized Yet?

Me - No Email About Divorce But Your Subscription To Playgirl Is About To Expire.

 

[Ohh Porterhouse]

You too?

ummm duh, i know that...


just said it cause we dont have it where i work...

Geez thought we were the only one without ACARS.

 

[propsarebest]

Geez thought we were the only one without ACARS.

But we have satphones, which are 99% as good as acars.

 

[shooter]

But we have satphones, which are 99% as good as acars.

99% as good? Can you send a release over satphone? I would put satphones as only as good as AIRINC. Our satphones were like tube radios, just one step above 2 cans and a string. All we were missing was a nice crank handle and asking for Sparky to give us HQ in Tokyo. And god forbid there was thick overcast while the crew was on the ground to get a signal through. But I guess while airborne its better than AIRINC.

Anyone use the new sat-link ACARS?

 

[propsarebest]

99% as good? Can you send a release over satphone? I would put satphones as only as good as AIRINC. Our satphones were like tube radios, just one step above 2 cans and a string. All we were missing was a nice crank handle and asking for Sparky to give us HQ in Tokyo. And god forbid there was thick overcast while the crew was on the ground to get a signal through. But I guess while airborne its better than AIRINC.

Anyone use the new sat-link ACARS?

Yes, we can...
our satphones are hardwired into the aircraft. It is also attached to a laptop with a printer that can be used inflight. That is how we usually send the crews their paperwork.

it usually works pretty good, but -ahem- some parts of the world it is sometimes spotty cause certain bad people are using satphones, which makes the good guys try to block them.

 

[OPNLguy]

Let's see...

One guy ACARSed me to ask if ACARS was working... (He couldn't get an arrival ATIS) It was all I could do to keep from sending him back "NO..IT.S NOT...."

Another time, MDW was below, I'm diverting flights as fast as I can type, and just NE of CLE I send a message diverting this BUF-MDW flight back to BUF.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT US TO GO BACK TO BUF?

YES.

DO YOU WANT US TO TO GO BACK TO BUF?

YES, PROCEED TO BUF AT THIS TIME.

TICK TOCK... Now NW of CLE:

DO YOU WANT US TO GO BACK TO BUF?

Exasperated, I sent him back:

YES, *SIMON SAYS* PROCEED TO BUF RIGHT *NOW*

Strangely enough, I didn't hear another peep out of him, and watched him on ASD as he did a 180 headed east...

 

[MrSalty]

IF YOU DO NOT SURRENDER ALL YOUR
BISCOFF COOKIES AT ONCE I WILL BE
FORCED TO EXPLODE YOUR AIRPLANE.
GOOD DAY SIR... I SAID GOOD DAY.

Just kidding. That would be a dumb thing to send over ACARS; it was on ATL Radio.

 

[propsarebest]

Thats damn funny.


Mr. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSalty

 

[whatfuelpolicy]

I got an LTD "delay code" one day. I scoured through the delay codes trying to find out what it meant and found nothing. So, as I'm about to send him a message asking what LTD stood for, he sends me this....Lady Taking Dump. He was serious too. When I check what the station coded it to, it said "PAX USING LAV".....

 

[shooter]

I got an LTD "delay code" one day. I scoured through the delay codes trying to find out what it meant and found nothing. So, as I'm about to send him a message asking what LTD stood for, he sends me this....Lady Taking Dump. He was serious too. When I check what the station coded it to, it said "PAX USING LAV".....

aahhh, the wonderful unpredictable bowels. Poor lady. Not good timing to break when waiting for over an hour after going through security. Not good timing to break when they start boarding to get at least 15 mins of relief. You have to break when everyone has boarded and then not be able to wait for push back, taxi and departure through 10k and thats if its a calm day today good ole mr.bowels. I too once had mr.bowels take his vengance upon me. I was lucky to not be in an airplane, but rather on a lone desolate stretch of highway where there was not a sign of civilization (much less a functioning restroom) for at least 30 miles in each direction. I even asked the Charmin bear for his stash while out in those woods, but he just kept walking. <<that bastard>> After that one time, I never never never question ones need to use the restroom and who may be inconvenienced by it. Sometimes mother nature does not care about what schedule others may be on. And if you don't answer when she comes calling, everyone could be in a whole lot worse scenario than just a few minutes late departure.

Funny code by the pilot, but poor lady.

 

[RJAA]

Last week, a captain on the way to India sent me a ACARS message saying that he could not stand and wait for the final results of "Dancing with the Stars" on TV and he requested the results to be uplinked over Eastern Europe in the middle of the night. Unreal. Didn't know where to look as I am not interested in that sort of a show. Some old lonely guy.

 

[dispatchguy]

Or, one of the F/As in the back, or even a pax, might wanna know - may not be the captain.

I know I wouldnt know where to obtain some useless drivel ahem information

 

[RVSM]

My fav is when they ask "what's the score of the game".
Do they want basketball, football or baseball...I dunno.
I usually send either Hockey or English Soccer score until they ask for specifics

 

[Wiggums]

Last week, a captain on the way to India sent me a ACARS message saying that he could not stand and wait for the final results of "Dancing with the Stars" on TV and he requested the results to be uplinked over Eastern Europe in the middle of the night. Unreal. Didn't know where to look as I am not interested in that sort of a show. Some old lonely guy.

Here this will help you. Welcome to the Internets.