Cheap stories and jokes about pilots

[flyNICKair]

Request for stories and jokes about pilots being CHEAP

I am looking for any stories or jokes about pilots being cheap. This is for a roast/retirement of a pilot. And man is he cheap! Thanks!

 

[xkuzme1]

...

Pilot tires stop on a dime AND pick it up too!

How many cap. does it take to change a lightbulb.... just one... they hold the lightbulb and the world revolves around them.

DIff between pilot and a pig..........................pig doesn't turn into a pilot when he gets drunk

How can you tell if there is a pilot at your party....................he'll tell you!

WHen he goes out to a bar.... does he bring mini's off the a/c

When he goes to a party, does he have a bottle of wine off the a/c with the cork halfway out.

 

[flyboyike]

This guy in a flight suit is sitting at an airport bar. An attractive female sits next to him and asks him "So, what do you fly?" "A C152" he says. "What's that?" she inquires. Our hero then points to a Hercules that just happens to be taxiing by and says "See that? That's a C130".

 

[PTinbound]

How do you know when your date with a pilot is half over?
He says, "Enough about me, now let's talk about airplanes..."

 

[flyboyike]

How do you know when your date with a pilot is half over?
He says, "Enough about me, now let's talk about airplanes..."

That's a good one, except I heard it the other way around, "enough about flying, let's talk about me!"

 

[arthompson]

When I worked in Customer Service we use to comment on how the FA's would buy a newspaper if they wanted it, a pilot would spend the entire turn looking for one in the back of the aircraft.

 

["GO AROUND"]

You can tell the size of a pilots ego by the size of his watch.

 

[wmuflyguy]

You can tell the size of a pilots ego by the size of his watch.

or sunglasses

 

[Dutch]

How was copper wire invented?

Two pilots fighting over a penny.

 

[xpdriver]

women called police to report a naked man running down the street. She said "i think he is a pilot" The officer said "how can you tell".Women says well he's got a little penis and a big watch.

 

[Q400 Gear Bitch]

Whats the difference between a pilot and a canoe?

Canoes tip.

What does a pilots wife do with her azz hole right before sex?

Drops him at the airport.

Whats the difference between God and a pilot?

God doesnt think He's a pilot.

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Welcome. The bar has been in the family for 100 years. It was my father's before me, and his father's before him. Since today is the anniversary, I'm rolling back prices to what they were 100 years ago. So, beer is 2 cents, wine is a nickel and a shot is a bit." The guy says, "Well I'll have a scotch. Make it a double." The bartender poors the shot and says, " That'll be a 2 bits, or a quarter." The guy hands it over and looks around. The place is packed. He also notices two guys at the end of the bar not drinking. He asks the bartender about them and why they are not enjoying the festivities and the bartender says, " Those two are pilots. They're just waiting for happy hour!"

 

[skiandsurf]

women called police to report a naked man running down the street. She said "i think he is a pilot" The officer said "how can you tell".Women says well he's got a little penis and a big watch.

A lady was raped in her house. She told the cop, " I think he is a pilot." The office said " how can you tell?" She said, " his breath smelled like peanuts, he had on blue socks, and on the way out he took my newspaper".

 

[The Drizzle]

A lady was raped in her house. She told the cop, " I think he is a pilot." The office said " how can you tell?" She said, " his breath smelled like peanuts, he had on blue socks, and on the way out he took my newspaper".

winnAr!!!!11111one

 

[Sig]

So this guy finally has made it to the Pearly Gates(tm- God), and he's in line waiting to talk to St. Peter as he reads from the Book of Things Another Book Says St. Peter Is Reading From When You Die. Quite a long queue of souls waiting to get in, and this guy is about 20 souls back.

All of a sudden, a light twin comes screaming overhead. *CRASH*, right into the cloud tops- a grisly smoking hole remains. Out of the hole climbs a tall man in white robes, putting out small fires in his long beard. Obviously flustered, he walks away and disappears a few steps later.

Puzzled, the man keeps moving up the line, and can't wait to ask St. Pete WTF?.

Now about 10 souls back, the same catastrophe occurs. Vrooooommmmm..... crash.... out climbs the stately old fart, and he's dusting off his white robes- oblivious to the wreckage left in the cloud tops.

Uhhh, okayyy.... thinks the freshly released spirit. Just a few more folks ahead of me, and I'll be able to ask the heavenly doorman what gives...

Finally, it's his turn. He's at the top of the line, but JUST as he begins to ask St. Pedro what gives with the plane crashes... another one happens, but it's just a couple of feet away from the Pearly Gates. Same guy gets out of the smoking hole, same disappearing act after he collects himself.

"Uh, St. Peter?"

"Yes, my child."

"Well, I've been wondering. I've seen what appears to be a Baron flying overhead every few minutes, it crashes, and a guy gets out. May I ask what the heck is going on?"

Pensively, St. Peter surveys the several holes (holy- get it?) in the nearby clouds, and looks embarassed. Obviously steeling himself first, he looks the man in the eye and says,

"That's just God. He thinks he's a surgeon."

 

[rickair7777]

A cheap pilot...

When light bulbs burn out at home, they pack them in their rollaboard, then swap them out for good ones in the hotel room...

On his day off, will non-rev to SEA and back just to get a free meal (OK this one's a little dated).

 

[Quillpig]

A pilot takes his kid to the supermarket. The kid points and says, "Look, Dad, giant soap!"

 

[Stifler's Mom]

women called police to report a naked man running down the street. She said "i think he is a pilot" The officer said "how can you tell".Women says well he's got a little penis and a big watch.

Speak for yourself, but my watch is not that big. :erm: :0

 

[xpdriver]

Speak for yourself, but my watch is not that big. :erm: :0

OK..I don't wear a watch at all...!!

 

[dav8or]

I knew a pilot that would take his rechargable batteries on overnight to recharge them on the hotel's power.

 

[RJidiot]

Spent a month doing naps with an older Captain. He would load up his bag each morning with single portion cereals to take home.

Spent a month doing four days with a FO. Each morning at the breakfast bar he would load up a huge hard sided cooler and eat from it the rest of the day. Never spent one dollar the whole month.

 

[Jetscream32]

A couple years ago in there was a place in CLT that would give crews free refills on coffee. There was this one cheap CA that would buy a cup and keep it for about 3 weeks or so until it finally broke or he left it at home. He denied it the whole time. He left the crew room one day and another captain picked up his coffee and wrote cheap a$$ underneath. About two weeks later someone called him on being cheap and he denied using the same cup. The guy lifted the cup and the words "cheap a$$" were written underneath.

 

[WestSide]

I once flew with a CA who carted around the fruit from the early morning crew breakfast bags fot the whole 4 day...not for himself, but to take home for the family. On the last leg of the trip he took the roll of garbage bags along with numerous gronola bars, sodas, and water. After laughing at him for this he admitted that while he was an FO he would take toilet paper from the hotel.

I also heard from the van driver in ICT that a FA once took the bed spread from her room. Since the maids quickly noticed this, the cops were waiting for her at the airport....she had packed lightly and was able to stuff the whole bed spread in her bag.

 

[migio]

I once flew with a CA who carted around the fruit from the early morning crew breakfast bags fot the whole 4 day...not for himself, but to take home for the family. On the last leg of the trip he took the roll of garbage bags along with numerous gronola bars, sodas, and water. After laughing at him for this he admitted that while he was an FO he would take toilet paper from the hotel.

I also heard from the van driver in ICT that a FA once took the bed spread from her room. Since the maids quickly noticed this, the cops were waiting for her at the airport....she had packed lightly and was able to stuff the whole bed spread in her bag.

Ugh, thats so wrong. The top bed spreads are supposedly the nastiest things in hotel rooms.

 

[Dix-Bag]

You can tell the size of a pilots ego by the size of his watch.

Penis size is inversely proportionate to ego, watch, and sunglasses.

 

[belchfire]

How do you recognize the pilot in a lounge?

He's the one with the giant watch and tiny dick trying to cash a personal check!

There are things that shouldn't tip and things that should. Your beer and whiskey glasses shouldn't tip. Pilots probably should!

 

[91100 100 set]

I'm not a good joke teller, but here goes...

A police officer walks into a barbershop for a hair cut. Barber cuts his hair and tells him it's on the house, as he performs an important job with lots of responsibility. The next day, there is a small thank you package delivered to the barbershop from the police officer.

That same day, a fireman walks into the barbershop. Gets his hair cut and is also told it's on the house, as he performs an important job with a lot of responsiblity. The next day, another thank you package from the firehouse shows up.

Later on, a pilot walks into the barbershop for a haircut. Again, the haircut is on the house, as the pilot performs an important job with lots of responsibility.

The next day, there are 8 more pilots at the barbershop looking for a free haircut.

On a similar note, did anyone know that Supercuts will do a free neck-trim and touch-up?