Cheap stories and jokes about pilots

[Q400 Gear Bitch]

Whats the difference between a pilot and a canoe?

Canoes tip.

What does a pilots wife do with her azz hole right before sex?

Drops him at the airport.

Whats the difference between God and a pilot?

God doesnt think He's a pilot.

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Welcome. The bar has been in the family for 100 years. It was my father's before me, and his father's before him. Since today is the anniversary, I'm rolling back prices to what they were 100 years ago. So, beer is 2 cents, wine is a nickel and a shot is a bit." The guy says, "Well I'll have a scotch. Make it a double." The bartender poors the shot and says, " That'll be a 2 bits, or a quarter." The guy hands it over and looks around. The place is packed. He also notices two guys at the end of the bar not drinking. He asks the bartender about them and why they are not enjoying the festivities and the bartender says, " Those two are pilots. They're just waiting for happy hour!"

 

[skiandsurf]

women called police to report a naked man running down the street. She said "i think he is a pilot" The officer said "how can you tell".Women says well he's got a little penis and a big watch.

A lady was raped in her house. She told the cop, " I think he is a pilot." The office said " how can you tell?" She said, " his breath smelled like peanuts, he had on blue socks, and on the way out he took my newspaper".

 

[The Drizzle]

A lady was raped in her house. She told the cop, " I think he is a pilot." The office said " how can you tell?" She said, " his breath smelled like peanuts, he had on blue socks, and on the way out he took my newspaper".

winnAr!!!!11111one

 

[Sig]

So this guy finally has made it to the Pearly Gates(tm- God), and he's in line waiting to talk to St. Peter as he reads from the Book of Things Another Book Says St. Peter Is Reading From When You Die. Quite a long queue of souls waiting to get in, and this guy is about 20 souls back.

All of a sudden, a light twin comes screaming overhead. *CRASH*, right into the cloud tops- a grisly smoking hole remains. Out of the hole climbs a tall man in white robes, putting out small fires in his long beard. Obviously flustered, he walks away and disappears a few steps later.

Puzzled, the man keeps moving up the line, and can't wait to ask St. Pete WTF?.

Now about 10 souls back, the same catastrophe occurs. Vrooooommmmm..... crash.... out climbs the stately old fart, and he's dusting off his white robes- oblivious to the wreckage left in the cloud tops.

Uhhh, okayyy.... thinks the freshly released spirit. Just a few more folks ahead of me, and I'll be able to ask the heavenly doorman what gives...

Finally, it's his turn. He's at the top of the line, but JUST as he begins to ask St. Pedro what gives with the plane crashes... another one happens, but it's just a couple of feet away from the Pearly Gates. Same guy gets out of the smoking hole, same disappearing act after he collects himself.

"Uh, St. Peter?"

"Yes, my child."

"Well, I've been wondering. I've seen what appears to be a Baron flying overhead every few minutes, it crashes, and a guy gets out. May I ask what the heck is going on?"

Pensively, St. Peter surveys the several holes (holy- get it?) in the nearby clouds, and looks embarassed. Obviously steeling himself first, he looks the man in the eye and says,

"That's just God. He thinks he's a surgeon."

 

[rickair7777]

A cheap pilot...

When light bulbs burn out at home, they pack them in their rollaboard, then swap them out for good ones in the hotel room...

On his day off, will non-rev to SEA and back just to get a free meal (OK this one's a little dated).

 

[Quillpig]

A pilot takes his kid to the supermarket. The kid points and says, "Look, Dad, giant soap!"

 

[Stifler's Mom]

women called police to report a naked man running down the street. She said "i think he is a pilot" The officer said "how can you tell".Women says well he's got a little penis and a big watch.

Speak for yourself, but my watch is not that big. :erm: :0

 

[xpdriver]

Speak for yourself, but my watch is not that big. :erm: :0

OK..I don't wear a watch at all...!!

 

[dav8or]

I knew a pilot that would take his rechargable batteries on overnight to recharge them on the hotel's power.

 

[RJidiot]

Spent a month doing naps with an older Captain. He would load up his bag each morning with single portion cereals to take home.

Spent a month doing four days with a FO. Each morning at the breakfast bar he would load up a huge hard sided cooler and eat from it the rest of the day. Never spent one dollar the whole month.