Aviation Related Jokes

[ILLINI]

Let's hear your favorite aviation related jokes! Try to change some of the letters in the censored words so we don't have to read an entire line of "***CENSORED***".

I'll start out with one I recieved not too long ago:


A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot
strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the
FA comes around and the man asks her for a coffee,
whereupon the parrot squawks, "Bring me a whiskey, b!tch."

The FA, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the
parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out
to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another whiskey, b!tch."

Quite upset, the FA, shaking, returns shortly with a whiskey for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, b!tch, now go and get it!"

In a couple of seconds, two burly FA's grab both him and the
parrot, take them to the emergency exit and throw them out.

As they're falling, the parrot turns to the man and says, "You
know, for someone who can't fly, you sure are a mouthy ba$tard!"

 

[prodigal]

security

Did you hear about the 70 year old lady who was arrested at DFW? When passing through the security screening she was singled out for a thorough inspection (since she fit all the new government security profiles). Upon opening up her carry-on bag the astute security agents discovered two 6" plastic knitting needles and some yarn. They immediately handcuffed her and whisked her away to be arrested. To her futile protests that she could not possible hurt anyone with a 6" plastic knitting needle, they replied: "yes maam, we know; but we were afraid that you might make an afghan."

 

[ILLINI]

Aint that the truth!

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet
him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
between 59 and 6 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything that
you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea
what to make of your information, and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help
at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip.'

The woman below responded, 'You must be in management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are,
or where you're going. You have risen to where you are
due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise
which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is
you are in exactly the same position you were in before
we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'

 

[rk772]

This is an old one but it's still funny

What's the difference between a good flight attendant and a really good flight attendant?

A good flight attendant meets the captain at the airplane and says "Good morning captain"

A really good flight attendant rolls over and says "Hey Captain, it's morning"

 

[HvyjetFO]

Santa and the FAA

It's December 24 and Santa is making the final preparations for his big night. Just as he is about to strap in, a man in a polyester suit and a bad tie walks up to the sleigh.

"Santa, I'm with the FAA, and it has come to my attention that you are due for your PC," says the FAA guy.

"What?", says Santa. "It's December 24th! I've got a whole planet to deliver presents to and I'm already behind schedule! Not to mention that the weather is down across North America!"

"Sorry Santa, we do this tonight or I WILL violate you," says the FAA.

Santa reluctantly agrees and goes inside with the FAA guy. He is given a 3 hour oral, made to do a weight and balance for the sleigh, and is quizzed on many different FARs.

Finally, it's time for the flight portion of the checkride. As Santa and the examiner are strapping in, Santa sees the FAA guy pulling out a 12 guage shotgun.

"And just what do you think you're going to do with that?" asks Santa.

"Santa," says the FAA guy, "this here is a checkride, and there's a real good chance you're gonna lose one around V-1."

 

[ILLINI]

This one was taken from Huumor.com:

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

 

[Mad-dasher]

This priest goes to the barber to get a hair cut. After the barber is finished the priest says "how much do I owe you?" The barber says, "nothing, you do the lords work so it's on the house". The next day the barber comes to work and finds a dozen bibles on his front door step.

Later that day a police officer comes in for a hair cut. When the barber is finished the police officer say's "how much do I owe you?" The barber says "nothing, you risk your life for the people so we can all be safe. It's on the house." The next day when the barber shows up for work there are a dozen donuts on his front door step.

Later that day an airline pilot comes in to get a hair cut. When the barber is finished the pilot says "how much do I owe you?" The barber say, "nothing, you provide a great service to people with safe quality transportation, this one is on the house". The next morning the barber shows up for work and there are a dozen more pilots wanting a free hair cut!