> Chuck Norris
> Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down
> until he gets the information he wants.
>
> If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
> says, "Two seconds till."
> After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he
> roundhouse kicks you in the face.
>
> Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he
> gets the pleasure.
>
> Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born,
> roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000
> percent.
>
> There are no disabled people. Only people who have
> met Chuck Norris.
>
> There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There
> is only another fist.
>
> It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost
> a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by
> Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
>
> Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field
> goal of a high school football game. When the
> football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let
> him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child.
> Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through
> the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl
> in the stadium.
>
> When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one
> Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it
> honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
> five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole,
> and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was
> fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his
> wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
> roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never
> question Chuck Norris."
>
> Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas
> Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck
> Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
>
> If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you
> get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck
> travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
>
> Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has
> never cried.
>
> Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
> that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
> time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
> over the Pacific Ocean.
>
> Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
> Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
> mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
>
> When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does
> not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather
> roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
> wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
> meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon
> before you.
>
> Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
> time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
> Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
> deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
> amazement.
>
> Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his
> rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts
> ability. Shortly after the transaction was
> finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the
> face and took his soul back. The devil, who
> appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
> should have seen it coming. They now play poker
> every second Wednesday of the month.
>
> A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is
> "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply
> stared at him until he exploded.
>
> Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
> as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red
> Bull.
>
> Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
> pointing at her and saying "booya".
>
> Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
>
> Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his
> finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
>
> The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
>
> After much debate, President Truman decided to drop
> the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the
> alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning?
> It was more "humane".
>
> Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger.
> When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen.
> Then he farts.
>
> Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law
> and Order are trademarked names for his left and
> right legs.
>
> If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
> can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away
> from death.
>
> Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as
> hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself,
> "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity."
> then you are dead wrong.
>
> Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
>
> Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck
> Norris to die before they attack.
>
> Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much
> wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could
> chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN
> THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
> throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in
> his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two
> years and five months later he realized the irony of
> this statement and laughed so hard that anyone
> within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
>
> Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II"
> video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because
> every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick.
> When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied,
> "That's no glitch."
