Flufdriver
Active member
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2001
- Posts
- 26
News for U
USAIRWAYS TO INSTALL SICK-SACKS ON SEATBACKS AT UPCOMING SHAREHOLDERS MEETING
Wall Street Journal - USAirways, the struggling Charlotte-based airline, announced today that it will be the first airline to comply with new NTSB and FBI recommendations and install sick-sack bags in the seatbacks of all chairs at this years shareholder meeting."We aren't going to wait for the other airlines to comply, we want to be the first," said Peter Gazinia, USAirways Chief Financial Officer. "When our annual income sheet is shown to our shareholders, we are expecting a regurgatory reaction, one of Bibical proportions, and we will be ready for it."Vice President of Marketing, Robin Usblind, added this, "I will liken our shareholder's meeting to a Roman Vomitorium, I fully expect to be bathed in the vomit of nauseous and angry strangers."
Shareholder sentiment like this is expected due to a price drop of the stock (U) from $60 to $2 within the last few years.
"I wouldn't say we are scared," said Gazinia, "Our bile-volume analysts are predicting anywhere from 2.5 to 2.8 metric tons of bile, water, Diet Coke, and partially digested pretzels and snack mix to become propelled and airborne within the first 15 seconds of the introduction of our company's balance sheet, with 1.5 more metric tons expected within the following 15 seconds. So as you can see, we are prepared for it.""No they aren't," counters Lehman Brothers analyst, Harry Ballzack. "While I do agree that they are prepared for the vomit, they are ill prepared for the
expected gastrointestinal distress that is expected when they give their forecast for the company's future. Our numbers-guys here at Lehman Brothers are predicting a total and complete defacatorial breakdown when management explains their plans for growth and expansion. We are downgrading USAirways
from a "sell" to a "sell, even for Venezuelan currency."
Analysts at Morgan Stanley Dean Witter agree. "Imagine a thousand people eating a 2 boxes of Bran Cereal each, then washing 6 ExLax tablets down with a gallon of prune juice...if you can do that, then you are imaging what USAirways has on its hands, a diarrhetic castrophe."Hugh Jass, analyst at T Rowe Price Investments, said this in a telephone interview late yesterday, "I am not going to go the meeting. I am actually nervous about the decibel level when the shareholders bowels become unrestrained. That, along with the inevitable plague of the brown snakes, is keeping me away. I think USAirways will be surprised Tuesday, they will not come out of this smelling like roses.
USAIRWAYS TO INSTALL SICK-SACKS ON SEATBACKS AT UPCOMING SHAREHOLDERS MEETING
Wall Street Journal - USAirways, the struggling Charlotte-based airline, announced today that it will be the first airline to comply with new NTSB and FBI recommendations and install sick-sack bags in the seatbacks of all chairs at this years shareholder meeting."We aren't going to wait for the other airlines to comply, we want to be the first," said Peter Gazinia, USAirways Chief Financial Officer. "When our annual income sheet is shown to our shareholders, we are expecting a regurgatory reaction, one of Bibical proportions, and we will be ready for it."Vice President of Marketing, Robin Usblind, added this, "I will liken our shareholder's meeting to a Roman Vomitorium, I fully expect to be bathed in the vomit of nauseous and angry strangers."
Shareholder sentiment like this is expected due to a price drop of the stock (U) from $60 to $2 within the last few years.
"I wouldn't say we are scared," said Gazinia, "Our bile-volume analysts are predicting anywhere from 2.5 to 2.8 metric tons of bile, water, Diet Coke, and partially digested pretzels and snack mix to become propelled and airborne within the first 15 seconds of the introduction of our company's balance sheet, with 1.5 more metric tons expected within the following 15 seconds. So as you can see, we are prepared for it.""No they aren't," counters Lehman Brothers analyst, Harry Ballzack. "While I do agree that they are prepared for the vomit, they are ill prepared for the
expected gastrointestinal distress that is expected when they give their forecast for the company's future. Our numbers-guys here at Lehman Brothers are predicting a total and complete defacatorial breakdown when management explains their plans for growth and expansion. We are downgrading USAirways
from a "sell" to a "sell, even for Venezuelan currency."
Analysts at Morgan Stanley Dean Witter agree. "Imagine a thousand people eating a 2 boxes of Bran Cereal each, then washing 6 ExLax tablets down with a gallon of prune juice...if you can do that, then you are imaging what USAirways has on its hands, a diarrhetic castrophe."Hugh Jass, analyst at T Rowe Price Investments, said this in a telephone interview late yesterday, "I am not going to go the meeting. I am actually nervous about the decibel level when the shareholders bowels become unrestrained. That, along with the inevitable plague of the brown snakes, is keeping me away. I think USAirways will be surprised Tuesday, they will not come out of this smelling like roses.
