Maybe a few chuckles :)

Dizel8

Douglas metal
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Feb 27, 2003
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Huh?
[SIZE=+1]Passenger Airways Terminology[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]A[/SIZE]s you are all aware, the airline industry in which we work has it's own unique set of terminology. The following are some of the most commonly used terms and their definitions.
AILERON:
A hinged control surface on the wing which scares the hell out of
airline passengers when it moves.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER :
A federal employee, usually a retired tobacco auctioneer, assigned to a major airport to keep aircraft from landing in unison by giving rapid instructions over the radio, most of which mean to go away and come back again - preferably after the air traffic controller is off duty.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL:
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.
BANK:
That which keeps most aircraft flying, depending upon the interst rates.
BAGGAGE CLAIM:
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."
CARRY ON BAG:
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.
FLIGHT SCHEDULE:
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
GROUP:
A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.
FOG:
A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.
ON-TIME:
An obscure term, meaning unknown.
PASSENGER:
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species:
Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
PRE-BOARD:
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.
NO-RECORD:
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
NON-REVENUE POSITION:
Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.
SIGN:
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.
POSITION CLOSED:
This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, Form line here."
TICKET AGENT:
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control ind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later life they start carrying on mysterious conversations with hemselves.
VOLUNTARY OVERSALE:
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.
[SIZE=+2]O[/SIZE]ther definitions:
Airfoil: Reynolds Wrap for manufacturing aircraft wings.
Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.
Angle of Attack: Pick-up lines that pilots use.
Arresting Gear: A Policeman's equipment.
Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.
Barrel Roll: Sport enjoyed at squadron picnics, usually after the barrels are empty.
Carburetor Icing: A phenomenon happening to Aero club pilots at exactly the
same time they run out of gas.
Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final. approach beacon at an airport
Crab: The squadron Operations Officer.
Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.
Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.
Glide Distance: Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a wet runway, 20,000 feet long.
IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.
Lean Mixture: Non-alcoholic beer.
Motor: Word used by student pilots and Yankees when referring to the engine.
Nanosecond: ime delay built into the stall warning system.
Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.
Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.
Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.
Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.
Roll: The first design priority for a fully loaded KC-135A.
Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.
Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.
Stall: Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.
Steep Bank: Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.
Tactics: What a clock sounds like when it needs fixing.
Tail Wind: Results from eating beans, often causing Oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Turn & Bank Indicator: An instrument highly ignored by pilots.
Useful Load: Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight of cargo.
VOR: Radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect of pilots trying to
home in on it.
Windsocks: Socks that need darning.
Yankee: Any pilot that asks Houston tower to "Say again".
Zero: Style and artistry points earned for a gear-up landing.
AIDS=Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome
 
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