Leaving Kids/Family while flying

[FlyGirlFelicia]

If you and your husband both believe that not staying at home is more important than a child, buy a doll and don't have any kids.

So according to you, everyone who has kids should both be home "taking care" of this said child 24/7? 365 days a year??? Both parents? Please.

What a rediculous thing to say. Any good relationship will have compromise, and any good parent will be involved in their child's life regardless of their job. Raise good kids who understand the reality that not every parent has (or wants) a 9-5 desk job, as well as the importance of being there for their soccer game. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in both directions, which is realistic. I think a balance can be achieved so that neither family or career suffer. If I saw that my child was having serious issues, I'd take the time off and deal with it because ofcourse they come first, even if that meant losing my job. I would do that no matter where I worked. Plus, in this industry, where job security and seniority really matter, I know that I may be flying for a commuter for 15+ years, especially if after a few years of scheduling craziness it allows me to come home at the end of the day every 9 out of every 10 trips.

As I understand it, from many airline families out there, you have to want both career and family very badly to make it all work, and it does.

 

[eddie]

If you are so sure it will work, why did you ask?

I've contemplated how it might work out for several years. The only way it would work is if one or both of you was very senior. Even then, if you don't have free childcare (ie. siblings or parents) who are willing to take your kids overnight it is going to be very expensive to find 24 hour care. So if you are senior and make a lot of money, then it will work fine...until you realize that you're both missing all the important landmarks in your baby's life while lounging in that great hotel in Podunk, Texas. Not to mention if you'll ever see your husband since one of you will have to commute to work.

Sorry to sound so negative, but do you have a dog? What do you do with that dog when you're on a 4 day, or if you fly P135, where does he go when you're on that 3 day that turns into 9 days?

 

[Gulfstream 200]

good luck.

I have yet to see a "balance" if one is a pilot and the other works full time.

The better paying flying jobs (especially corp) require worldwide flying (GIV/GV/Globals) and hence one half can be gone for extended periods....yes, also home for extended periods - but kids dont benefit from this.

A good wife/mother at home is worth a million. Its a job I could never do. I can handle two days - maybe. I would drive a POS car and live in a very modest house before sending my kid(s) to a stranger to be raised. Get laid off or something? sure...now you revert to survival mode and 2 incomes may be needed simply to live. Different story.

Those of us lucky to have incredible women at home doing this kid raising know what I mean!

As far as career chik pilots having babies....pretty rare...most butch pilot chik types are hell bent on proving they are men anyways!

 

[Standby 1]

Okay, yes, it can be done and done well. Both my husband and I fly for two different 121 carriers. We just have to arrange our schedules carefully because the only people we feel comfortable leaving kiddies with is grandmas and grandpas (both sets live out of state, which is a bummer). But the key is to have enough seniority where you work to be able to a) coordinate your schedules and b) drop down in hours as needed. Of course, this means that you hardly ever get to see each other, but the important thing is that one of you is always with the kids and they DO NOT get left in daycare with someone else raising them.




...

 

[Standby 1]

As far as career chik pilots having babies....pretty rare...most butch pilot chik types are hell bent on proving they are men anyways!

Perhaps this is true in the corporate pilot ranks, but not remotely the case in the 121 world. I can name a dozen happily married mothers who fly for airlines, just off the top of my head.

And no, I never have been, never will be, nor would I want to be a man. (I think it would suck to have an appendage dominate my thought processes and influence my decisions, LOL). I am a female, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a mom. The fact that I happen to fly airplanes for a living is irrelevant.

 

[WhiteCloud]

The hard reality of being a parent and also travelling for a living is that when you are away for 3 or 4 days you just can't get that time back with your family. It's gone. Many of the posters have found ways to compensate for that to a certain extent and that's a good thing. For a child, 3-4 days away from Dad or Mom is a very long time. There is no escaping the fact that parents that travel lose many opportunities to influence the lives of their children. If you're not there you're simply not there and it doesn't really matter to a child why you're not there. There's no doubt that being away is a sacrifice but it's up to the individual family and their goals and values to decide if their particular situation is worth it.

 

[FlyGirlFelicia]

Oh, Whatever

Is there a misconception here that "raising children" ends when they go to grade school? Is the stay-at-home parent "raising" their child when the kid is in school and they are at home all day cleaning the kitchen and scrubbing the bathtub? A good, honest stay at home parent is a great thing, I will not knock it. But don't force the belief that dual income families are not as good as the "Leave It to Beaver" style families. No one can be with their family as much as they might want to if they have any type of job, plain & simple.

Plus, the comment above about chicks/lesbians....whatever. There's enough women out there parenting & flying just fine without the need for that type of comment. What about showing your child that you are a good role model, especially if it's "mom" flying the plane? Make the most of any time you spend with your kids, and they will remember the quality of it. The point is to be involved. You can be a stay-at-home parent and still be a dirtbag crackhead. Bottom line is, if you can't care for a child, sure: don't have one.

 

[FlyGirlFelicia]

"A good wife/mother at home is worth a million. Its a job I could never do. I can handle two days - maybe. I would drive a POS car and live in a very modest house before sending my kid(s) to a stranger to be raised."

BTW: I have to ask, do you homeschool your kids a la Branch-Davidian, or do you send them to a school to essentially, be raised during the day, by someone else? Is your wife spending every waking moment in their classrooms? No? You let a stranger teach your kids???? OMG.

Realize that as kids grow up, you will never be able to watch them every second.

 

[WhiteCloud]

Felicia, If you want to have a family life, someone has to raise the children and someone has to clean the bathtub and take care of the other jobs we all don't really like to do at home. How you work it out in your own life is up to you and your spouse. If you make enough money you can buy help in all these areas. Some of the posters are making valid points that are getting clouded by some name calling on their part and yours. After having children I think you'll find that flying around in airplanes is easier, but much less rewarding than being involved in their life. With some good planning and some luck you might be able to do both. Good luck.

 

[TonyC]

FlyGirlFelicia,

You seem to have some pretty strong opinions, and are upset about some of the opinions offered by others. What exactly did you expect to hear when you asked those questions?



Many vocations keep a breadwinner away from home for periods of time - - flying is one of them. If both parents have such a vocation, it makes the most important responsibility of raising children that much more difficult.

It's hard enough when one parent works 8-5 and the other stays at home to raise a child. Take the "stay-at-home" parent away from the home, or the "working away" parent away more, and the job becomes more difficult.

I cherish each morning I can awaken my children and help them dress, eat, and scurry off to the schoolbus. I enjoy being at the house when they get off the bus and run to the front door. I enjoy hearing about the exciting things that happen to them each day and helping with the homework - - from writing letters to Algebra, Trig, and Biology. I enjoy going to the performances and the games, and I enjoy being able to watch the practices and the parades. There is no substitute for being there on the actual birthday or the 25th of December. I consider it a privilege to enjoy as many of those moments as possible. Do I make it to all of them? Not even close. Oh, I've made it to a lot of the "important" ones by my reckoning, but I know that I've missed a lot that were important to them. Did I feel guilty? Not so much as regret. Yeah, I can rationalize that the job I have allows them to enjoy many more of the things that money can buy, but that doesn't buy the moments that I missed.

On the other hand, the 8-to-5er is going to miss some of those moments, too. I got to see my first child's first steps only because I happen to go home for lunch that day (advantage of living on-base), not because I had a regular job. I got to help out at band camp, 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week, because I had the week off, and it wasn't vacation. Would an 8-to-5er get to do that? Doubtful. Being home for days at a stretch makes it possible to do lots of things other jobs wouldn't allow, but you still have to take the initiative to use that time.


1) There is NO SUBSTITUTE for quality parenting time with kids - - and that doesn't just mean you're in the same house at the same time - - parenting requires active participation on the part of the parent.

2) Many, no MOST pilot jobs will increase the difficulty of spending time with the kids.

3) And this is the most important: You will never get another chance to RE-raise your kids.


Two pilots in the same family raising kids is extremely difficult at best, and extremely detrimental to the well-being of the kids at worst. I know of families that do it, but I don't know their kids, so I can't comment on their success.

 

[Standby 1]

What about showing your child that you are a good role model, especially if it's "mom" flying the plane?

Okay, I have a cute kid story on this subject. A friend of mine is a captain for a major 121 carrier and her husband is a stay-at-home dad for their 3 kids. She brought her 5 year old son with her on "take your kids to work day" and while the aircraft was boarding, had her son sitting in the left seat with her captain's hat on (cute stuff). The f/o that day was also a female.

Anyway, one of the boarding pax stuck their head in and asked the kid, "Do you want to be a pilot when you grow up?" Her son promptly made a face and replied, "Uck, no!! That's a girl's job!"

Out of the mouths of babes.............




...

 

[Gulfstream 200]

"A good wife/mother at home is worth a million. Its a job I could never do. I can handle two days - maybe. I would drive a POS car and live in a very modest house before sending my kid(s) to a stranger to be raised."

BTW: I have to ask, do you homeschool your kids a la Branch-Davidian, or do you send them to a school to essentially, be raised during the day, by someone else? Is your wife spending every waking moment in their classrooms? No? You let a stranger teach your kids???? OMG.

Realize that as kids grow up, you will never be able to watch them every second.

Learn to read...

I said a parent should be home full time until they go to school - in that good school district you had the smarts to invest in long before you wasted money on other things.

Its very obvious you dont have children.

Typical aviation dyke?? constantly having to prove her point....never quits...

.

Do what you want with your career and your family - nobody cares! just dont get pi$$ed off when people give you thier OPINION. You asked!!!

 

[Rez O. Lewshun]

The problem with socio-political movements is they have to go full extreme just to get heard and some of their cause implemented. This has happened with the feminist and now many girls feel that in order to be worth anything they have to match up to the men in the professional environment. Combined with the "you can have it all" manifesto, many girls try to do just that.

I see many women pilots at work that are in a state of "unknown". These girls are attractive and quite competent as pilots. In fact they are refreshing from the type A testosterone, Lord of the Flies mantra that gets old quick... .

After having discussions with these girls many of them despertly want to find a mate, boyfriend husband etc.... (And some have). As a guy I know I don't want to be with a girl that is going to be gone for four days. Even if you are a hottie...

Many women are adjusting for the feminist movement and having it all but not all right now. They are going for the career, then children later...or perhpas vice versa. (a side issue is women, many of whom doesn't realize, lose fertility around 40, so the career then family may not work. There are of course drugs)

Women are wonderful creatures. They can do many things that men can not. Children love thier mothers and they love being with thier mom and dad together! Tag team parenting is not that good.

Many dual income parents try quality not quantity time. This is tough because when time is limited it is usually given to the childs way, just to keep the peace. Children learn to manipulate and control....

In short, is a woman having a baby then leaving it with dad, a nanny or grandparents unnatural? Women should decide, professional or mom, but both isn't fair to anyone really especially the little ones.

Thoughts?

 

[TonyC]

BTW: I have to ask, do you homeschool your kids a la Branch-Davidian, or do you send them to a school to essentially, be raised during the day, by someone else? Is your wife spending every waking moment in their classrooms? No? You let a stranger teach your kids???? OMG.

BTW: I find your comparison of home-schooling and Branch-Davidians to be downright offensive and incredibly ignorant. I know many families that choose to home-school their children for various reasons and am quite sure they are not serving a cult. In many cases, the education those students receive is far superior to any that the states have to offer.

You also seem to miss the point about public (or private, for that matter) school education versus day care. The former is designed to teach children life skills and it does so in a group environment using the latest methods and certified teachers. The latter is designed to keep kids safe while their parents can't be with them and it uses toys and babysitters, often untrained and unconcerned. If you can't see the difference, I suggest you not become a parent.

"[Y]ou will never be able to watch them every second" is NOT a fair reason to concede they'll just have to spend a lot of time with babysitters.

I am definitely not a stay-at-home type and neither is my husband. ... Still, I'd like to think one can raise good kids with values while having a pilot career.

I'm thinking you need to change your thinking a bit.

 

[AA717driver]

Having kids requires sacrifice. End of discussion on that point.

Something has to suffer when you have kids. One person's job, social activities, vacations, the kids... You have to decide what it's going to be.

Sticking the kid in daycare while you both work costs something. Even if the kid does ok in daycare, you sacrifice "face time" with them.

As a pilot, you will have many days that you won't have to put them in daycare(although a friend took his kids to daycare even on his days off ). I bid to fly weekends so my wife would have an easier time with her job.

Once they're in school, most schools have before care and after care which helps. Surely both of you won't have to work till 6 or 7 pm every day...

My wife has quit or not taken jobs she liked because of the inconsistency of my schedule. I know that when the kids are gone, she will embark on something she wants to do. She will have my full support--believe me, I owe her! We have known the nature of my business since we met and we both recognize it's not easy to keep a family going with this lifestyle. But we do.

Good luck.TC