Once, decades ago, I was riding my bike over to a friend's house. It was getting late, and I hadn't seen that friend in about a year. I made it to his street, two houses away, and my alarm went off. I had to book it for home or I'd break curfew. He was very intelligent, wanted to be a fighter pilot, was going to go to the Air Force Academy, and knew how to fix a flutter problem that was ongoing with one of the military planes of that time. I was 11, he was 11.
I turned around.
The next day, I noticed my friend's father wasn't at the chess club meeting like usual. That was odd.
When I came home from that meeting, my friend's father was in the living room, obviously he had been crying hard. Grown-ups, especially male grown-ups, didn't cry.
My friend had hung himself the day before, in the late evening.
If I had only knocked on his door, maybe my saying "hi" would have stopped him, or broken through that 'most awful person in the whole world' mindset.
If only. . .
Two years later, different school, same town, my best friend, distraught over her father killing himself two weeks previous, said that she wanted it all to end – she just knew her dad did what he did because of her. Not again!
I asked a school counselor for assistance in how I could help her through this time. I didn't know there was a law in that state that required counselors to immediately take action. He left the room 'for a moment' and the police hauled my friend away in handcuffs. At her home the police found a suicide note and all the fixings; my friend was planning to kill herself that night.
She didn’t speak to me for two years. But she was alive to not speak to me.
She now has three adorable kids and just as happy as can be. She served on Active Duty during the first Gulf War and is on inactive reserves now, with plans for her husband to take over the household should she go active, or for her to take over should he go active.
I've lost too many more friends since then, egos and airplanes don't mix very well. Each one tends to hurt less than the one before. But it still hurts, the price of loving, daring to make friends, and being in aviation.
The Air Force flew a flag over the Academy Chapel in honor of that first friend. It took 6 months for the numb feeling to go away.
Now the feeling lasts for a few weeks for a close friend, a few days for a not-so-close friend. Some I actually get mad at, "he knew better!!!!" I even got mad at God a few times for his untimely removal of some folks I rather liked.
It still hurts, and if I were to focus my attention on those deaths I'm sure I would work up a rather sad state.
Throw yourself into your work. Avoid long flights with lots of time in VFR cruise, make work for yourself to avoid thinking and reflecting. Keep a routine as much as possible. Give yourself permission to grieve, and give yourself permission to take a break from grieving. You don't have to feel miserable 100% of the time. Just 80% miserable is okay the first few months.
You have a responsibility to yourself to keep on living. If you find yourself making mistakes while flying, don't fly solo. Most companies are quite understanding during these times and usually can find a warm body or check pilot for the other seat or give you permission to fill that other seat. Stopping flying, especially if it is the only joy still in your life, is a really bad idea. It really helps if that other person is someone that can listen, and will let you talk. This message board is one outlet, I'm sure you can find others.
Creating the website is a good idea, but don't stop with your girlfriend. Put some of yourself into that site. Some websites I see are frozen in time. The webmaster has stopped living and is solely focused on that other person.
The above tips are ways to help the grieving process along without falling into a depression.
If you find yourself having trouble switching mindsets from grief to business, pick up a copy of "Feeling Good" by David Burns. Avoid drugs & alcohol like the plague. Although they can numb the pain, they have devastating effects on your ability to keep flying. Although certain anti-depressants are fine for depressions, they typically are not suitable, again especially for pilots, for the short-term grief process.
Keep us posted.
Fly SAFE!
Jedi Nein
