Idiotic Radio Calls

[thrustport]

How about this one going in to Phoenix Deer Valley......

Pilot: Tower Piper 12345 over the desert inbound for landing

OR

I had just told my student to request a freq change from approach.....

Student: Phoenix approach Cessna 12345 would like
to....uh..oh....end our relationship with you.

PHX App: Oh say it isn't so!

Unknown: Divorce is so hard.

Ten minutes later when back for another practice approach...

Student: Phoenix approach Cessna 12345

PHX App: I knew you'd come back to me

 

[Skyboss]

We hear them all the time on radio here in SAN... One in particular stands out... SWA 737 on Final... AAL 767 holding short

Tower: Southwest XXXX cleared to land 27
SWA: Cleared to land Southwest XXX
2 minutes later....
Tower: American XXXX taxi into position and hold
American: Tower... Are you F'n nuts or blind... He's 1 mile out

Complete silence....

Southwest: If he's not, we can hand some out after we land on him.

And one more...

Exchange between Southwest (new paint job) and United:

United: Nice paint job, did you guys get a new box of crayons?
Southwest: As a matter of fact, yes we did. Do you have a job after today? If not you can color the rest of our planes. I hear we're looking for some new pre-schoolers.

 

[regionalhell]

Heard this just after switching over to philly App.

Airshuttle: "Hey philly, just for your info, there is a really nice
hole just to the East of us(refering to a line of TCU).

Philly App: "Ya, I think I know that girl"

My Capt: "Reeeaaaalllly, whats her name?

Philly App: "(Laughing) dang, did I really say that out loud?

 

[acaTerry]

My favorites from ground and ramp:

At IAD one night, there was a BIG fire about 9 miles or so east of the airport. As you can imagine, EVERY pilot who called ramp asked about the fire. Now, y'all know how fun the ramp controllers can be at night in IAD. The guy finally has answered the question enough times and makes this transmission: "Attention all aircraft, Dulles Ramp. Yes, you DID leave the stove on, that fire east of Dulles is your crashpad. Don't worry, your roomates took out your Futon".

And second, at PHL. Remember how bad it was before they had a ramp freq there? One day, as usual everyone is trying to get something from ground and ground is unable to keep up. Finally the guy says "OK, OK everybody shut the hell up! Especially USAir, you guys don't need to keep steppin' on everyone!. Blue Ridge and Allegheny you burn the least fuel, don't bother me. I'll get you. Stay in the alley! The rest of you BE QUIET and I'll get to you too, now who's the aircraft at...."

 

[FSB99]

speaking of philly, you made me remember this one from two winters ago. really nasty snow storm was going on, but flights were still able to get in and out, just at snail's pace. the taxiways and ramps were just beyond description, as far as the congestion goes. an hour or so after landing, we can finally see the top of the alley, and in fact, we can see our gate.. but, also see about 15 airplanes in the way. it's gotta be close to 11 pm by now. well, enough airplanes wiggled their way around, to where we could see a clear spot from where we were to ramp. nobody else was pushing out, everybody was already gone, we seemed to be the only one trying to get into that alley at that time. so at my capt's request, i called ramp and basically told him, if he would let us cut out of line, it looks like there's a clear spot for us to get to our gate. he came back with, "just don't hit anybody or get stuck in a ditch, and i'll pretend i never saw you leave the lineup!"
it worked out just fine, and we parked. now, our company has us repo the plane to a pad, for whatever reason, we can't leave it at the gate overnight. so, we're all really hoping, pleading, and politicking trying to get them to let us keep the plane at the gate. no luck. so, i call ramp again, and tell him we need to reposition to such-and-such pad. his response.... "You're serious? no, really.. cause, i don't have time for games."
after convincing him we were serious, he just said, "okay, again, don't hit anybody or anything, don't get stuck, and do what you need to do!"

 

[acaTerry]

Gotta love those guys when they're not yelling at you. Anyone got stories about ORD?

 

[acaTerry]

One I heard from someone else, went something like this:

"AB tower, Cessna 1234 is a student pilot and I'm lost"

"Cessna 1234, ident"

"Cessna 1234, my name is....."

"Cessna 1234, negative. I mean to push the ident button on your transponder"

"Cessna 1234, I don't have one"

"Cessna 1234, say altitude"

(Student reads altimeter which of course is at 0'AGL)

(Controller goes through the usual, altimeter setting, etc and "Say fuel and souls")

"Cessna 1234, I am solo and I have about 1/4 in one tank and 1/8 in the other, so I need you to tell me directions to where I can get fuel"

"Cessna 1234, I need your approximate position first, can you tell me some of the land marks you see?.

"Cessna 1234, I see a green building about my 2 o'clock position, and a red cessna near me"

"Cessna 1234, how close is the cessna near you?"

"Cessna 1234, it's about 50 to 100 feet on my right side"

"Cessna 1234, can you read his numbers?"

"No, I can get closer to look"

"Cessna 1234, no need, the other pilot may not see you and we do not want to risk that"

"Cessna 1234, the pilot is not there"

"What?"

"Cessna 1234, the pilot just tied it up and left"

TURNS OUT, THE STUDENT PILOT WAS ON THE GROUND AND LOST TRYING TO FIND THE PUMPS!!!!

 

[upndsky]

At RDU yesterday, I tuned into the middle of a conversation a Continental crew was having with Ground. The crew was reading a back a lengthy routing for the tower to put into the system (I guess their flight plan got dropped, or something). Anyway, it took a couple of back-and-forths before the ground controller got the routing with all the waypoints right.

Ground: Okay, let me give this to clearance and see if he can put it into the system. Standby and I'll get back with you.

About 30 seconds later.

Ground: Continental 123, Clearance got it into the system but he told me to tell you that the next time you pass through here, you owe him a case.

COA123: No problem. Just have him call Gordon.

 

[atpcliff]

Hi!

Here's one recently:

We were flying Eastbound, into NY Center. It was kind of bumpy.
The FEMALE controller asked us if we wanted a different altitude, so our PAX would have a better ride, and suggested one that was smoother.

I told her "We can stay where we are, because the boxes in the back aren't complaining."

She replied something like this, "All the boxes I know have complained before."

I was a little slow on the uptake, and my Capt (that's why he's the captain) had to explain it to me.

A great one:

In the T-38, the instructor flies in back, with the student in front (usually). At Vance AFB one day, a female instructor was in back, with a male student in the front. They had done some patterns, and the instructor wanted to fly an approach. She meant to transmit just to her student, but instead sent it to the whole world:

"I'll take this one in the rear."

She had a VERY difficult time living that one down. I wish she was my instructor. She sounds fun!

Cliff
DTW

 

[I.P. Freley]

A classic from BOS ground

This goes back a couple of years, but I was coming out of the south-side of the airport and ground was practically HOLLERING:

"KOREAN AIR XXX, DO YOU COPY GROUND CONTROL??"

Not knowing what was up, we came to a stop well short of our clearance limit on ground... Then, over the top of the terminal, we saw a baby-blue tail of a 747 moving happily along.

Then, finally, ground finally proclaims:

"All aircraft on Boston Ground, STOP WHERE YOU ARE... KOREAN AIR IS AT IT AGAIN!!"

We just watched with bemusement as the 747 taxiied merrily across the VERY active 4L/22R runway and then 4R/22L, heading east across the airport for parts unknown (and uncleared).