"Hey, y'all! You sit on down and get real comfy, y'hear? Weather up yonder is gonna get bumpy, but for the city folk, it's gonna be like rush hour with the brakes on an' a few potholes to boot. We don't allow no smokin in the airplane, but y'all that's got em, smoke em, cause we don't want nobody getting too excited.
No mary jane. If yer that bad off, call the stewardess...an I gotta tell ya that they don't like to be called that, based on some bad personal experiences...an she'll getcha some vodka or somethin' better. Save a shot for me.
The weather's real good up there yonder past the bad stuff. That's 'da bomb' for you city folks, and for the rest of ya, that means it's aaa-okay. Not 'the bomb' like some of ya mighta thought I said. None of that here, and we caint say stuff like that on this here airplane, so dontcha even try. Shoot, I'm probably in trouble fer even bringing it up, but that's okay. We're cool.
Now cuz it's coming up Christmas an Hannukah an stuff, you gotta know the weather up there is frightful, but it's gonna be real delightful in here. An fer those that didn't catch it on the way in, there's a big fat sprig of missles toes hanging over the front cabin door. I gotta warn some of you younger fellas, though, don't push yer luck with Suzy. She's doin first class, she's yer steward, er, attendant, and I shoulda put that different. She aint doing first class, she's servin first class, if ya can really call it that these days, but don't y'all mess with her, and I mean you college kids what with yer raging libidoes and what have y'all. She's flat mean.
Any way, we're real proud to have ya aboard our jet airplane, and hope y'all have a good flight. If ya do have a good flight, we'd like ya to go tell all your friends and buddies and kinfolk. Have em come fly with us, and we'll be proud to haul them too. If'n y'all don't have a good flight, we'd like it a lot if you'd just keep your pie-hole shut. What with bombings and shootings an shoes blowin up, missles, white powder and kids puking in the seatbacks (an I gotta say right here and now that the first one a ya that leaves another dirty diaper next to an airsick bag for suzy to clean up, you know who you are, I'm gonna kick yer butt up around your ears an hang ya up by that misstle toe), it's hard enough getting people aboard. So like yer mamma shoulda told ya, if ya got something nice to say, say it. If ya don't then don't say nothing at all.
That's all I gotta say. Y'all have a real good flight, and remember that Jesus wouldn't want ya stealing those headphones, cause we gotta pay for em somehow.
Oh, and one more thing. I don't know how many of ya read the paper or whatever, but we aint doing too good on the stock market. They're talking about more furloughs, and that's airline speak for putting the working man in the soup kitchen for a spell, and that ain't no good. So for those of ya that's got the means, we'd be real appreciative if'n ya sees it in yer heart to put a few dollars in the slot in this beefed up door. I gots kids in school and three ex-wives that all got a piece a me, and that money, anything you can give, is gonna go to bail us out so we don't gotta lay off no more pilots or stewardesses, and so we don't go bankrupt. Also, no more than ten percent of those contributions are gonna go to alcohol for pilots, so don't y'all worry none.
Anyway, y'all lean back an try not to bust yer backseat neighbor in the nuts, close yer eyes, and we'll do our best to make it to Peoria in one piece. Thanks fer flying, and God bless. Give till it hurts, and we hope we see y'all real soon!"
Anyway, that's the gist of it. You can put it in your own words.
