Funny stuff

flynryan15

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A Week at the gym. *funny *

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary.
For my 45th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air --then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning. And when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate that b**ch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the B**ch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy
 

glasspilot

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Dear Diary.
For my 45th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago,

So it's his 45th birthday present and he played college tennis 45 years ago?

Stupid AND not funny. I can't believe I read that whole thing. OP: you owe me 5 minutes of my life back.
 

dane

I miss the MD80!!
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Hey,

be nice!

I liked it. I do think that I used to know Belinda now that I think about it, just glad I didnt marry the b****! :) :)

dane
 

Whine Lover

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45 years old, tennis in college 45 years ago, hmmmm...

So..this guy went to College as a fetus?

Or, he's approx. 110 years old and lying about his age? WTF.

Pectoral hernia? Not medically possible.

Good writing of fiction requires " the suspension of disbelief ".

It seems that this piece was written by an Idiot, for Idiots.

And, on top of all that....NO, it was not funny.

Love,

YKMKR
 
Last edited:

Sky Jet

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As a fat man trying to stay less fat, I enjoyed it. Having said that, I agree that it is not on a par with the quality of work that you do Mark. Perhaps this forum could use some of your money saving wisdom.

YK Ugly Spice
 

snow-back

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I dunno, coffee almost came out of MY nose. I didn't dissect all the little details though.
 

20sx

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I laughed over the screaming bothering everyone part. In the gym, it's usually the young guys doing that! Bunch of drama queens...
 

njcapt

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Majors forum?
 

Amish RakeFight

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NJ Winter Diary

...............

August 12 Moved to our new home in New Jersey. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering them.

October 14 New Jersey is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

November 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

December 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snow ball fight (I won), and when the snow-plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love New Jersey.

December 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

December 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. ********************ing snow-plow!

December 22 More of that white ******************* fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the curve and waits until I'm shoveling the driveway. ***********************************!

December 25 Merry ********************ing Christmas! More friggen snow! If I ever get my hands on that sonof-a-bitch who drives the snow-plow I swear I'll kill the bastard! Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the ********************ing ice!

December 27 More white ******************** last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow-plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere - car's stuck in a mountain of white ********************. The weatherman says to expect another 10 " of the ******************** again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 " is?

December 28 The ********************ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 " of that white ******************** this time. At this rate it won't melt before the summer. The snow- plow got stuck in the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already after shoveling all the ******************** he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his ********************ing head.

January 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food. On the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those ********************ing beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from that ********************ing salt they put all over the roads?

May 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God-forsaken state of New Jersey.
 

xkuzme1

As previously briefed!
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...

I donno if it caught me just right but I could not stop laughing. Laughing with tears actually.
 

flyboyike

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I donno if it caught me just right but I could not stop laughing. Laughing with tears actually.
+1. I was on the floor.
 

Colonel Savage

Southern style...
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Belinda has serious issues...
 

Andy Neill

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A Week at the gym. *funny *

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.
I took this as a challenge and was doing OK through Monday and Tuesday. But on Wednesday
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I nearly lost it. You finally got me with
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Thanks for the laugh.
 
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