Funny Cockpit Stories

[Snecma]

http://www.airlineempires.net/humor/book_submission.php


This is a great idea!

Here's mine:

Years ago, when you had a "random" drug test you new about it in advance. A captain at the time was aware his number was up when he returned from the trip, so he decided to pull the apple juice trick...with a twist. When the aircraft pulled into the gate for the final time that trip, the expected drug tester was at the bottom of the stairs asking for the captain. On his way out, the captain grabed the apple juice that had warmed nicely from setting on the dash for the last few legs, and followed the tester to the private restroom.
After filling the cup with the apple juice, the captain walked out of the bathroom with the "specimin" in hand. Responding to the drug tester's inevitible "everything ok?" question, the captain looked at the container, said, "you know, I don't like the looks of it. I'm gonna run it back through," and chugged every last drop of the apple juice.

I would have given anything to see the look on his face.

 

[AK737FO]

8 for 9

A seasoned captain is treated to a line check one day. With a young check airman in the jump seat dutifully watching, the altitude alerter chimes and the captain grunts, "one to go". Later, at TOC, the young check airman leans forward and says to the captain, "on your level off, you should have said, 8 for 9 instead of one to go." The captain turns his head and says, "really, it's 8 for 9 and not one to go?" Yes, the check airman says, its 8 for 9. Ok, the captain says, I'll do it my the book.

As they start their descent, they get a level off at FL210. The altitude alerter chimes and the captain says "8 for 9!" The F/O dutifully agrees, "correct sir, 8 for 9".

Soon the word spreads through the base and everyone is calling out "8 for 9" loud and clear anytime they have the pleasure of enjoying a flight with the young check airmen in the jump seat.

 

[cforst513]

sorry to hijack the thread, but ak737fo, there's a guy at my airport who sells biplane rides in his stearman that's just like the one in your avatar. that's quite an airplane!!!

 

[holdon]

Older Caloused Commuter Captain is just getting ready to start his trip and checking the paperwork on the computer. A young (looked like he was 14! and that's no $hit) fresh off IOE F/O walks up to him and says
"Sir, are you going to XYZ?"

The Captain looks over at him, through his Bi-focals, and says " Damn, Do you even Shave yet, young Airman"

The young F/O replies "Uh, Yes Sir".

The Capt, still focusing on the computer, turns and looks at the attentive young man and says

"Boy, let me ask you somethin, Are you a good F/O?"

"Yes, Sir" Replied the young Airman.

"Well, let me tell you somethin, I haven't found one yet that I wouldn't trade for 170lbs of gas!"

the look on his Face was Priceless.....

Disclaimer: The Capt was saying all of this in Fun

 

[bestpilot]

Older Caloused Midwest Captain Chuck Yogourt is just getting ready to start his trip and checking the paperwork on the computer. A young (looked like he was 14! and that's no $hit) fresh off IOE F/O, Ty Webb, walks up to him and says
"Sir, are you going to XYZ?"

The Captain looks over at him, through his Bi-focals, and says " dang, Do you even Shave yet, young Airman Ty"

The young F/O replies "Uh, Yes Sir".

The Capt, still focusing on the computer, turns and looks at the attentive young man and says

"Boy, let me ask you somethin, Are you a good F/O?"

"Yes, Sir" Replied the young Airman.

"Well, let me tell you somethin, I haven't found one yet that I wouldn't trade for 170lbs of gas!"

Daang! So dats where Ty Guy and da Silly Rabbitt met!

 

[Avenger29]

And here is one of mine:

So there I was...
My instructor and I were in the pattern, practicing landings. The FBO was hosting a birthday party, and there were about 15 kids attending. They were all getting airplane rides in a Cessna 172. The rides portion was to last for two hours, and with 3 kids on each ride trip, that meant that the kids were only getting about 10 minutes in the pattern, with getting in and strapping in taken into account. Well, whenever the pilot would call out his position on the traffic frequency, all the little kids could be heard screaming and yelling in the background. In addition to this, something was wrong with thier radios because everytime they would transmitt, it would make screeching noises that sounded like the plane was coming apart. So, you heard what sounded like a plane shedding parts in mid-air, along with kids screaming. Rather funny, and my instructor and I had a hard time keeping straight faces during the lesson...I almost told the kids and the parents waiting at the FBO that the airplane was about to crash, but that would have been too cruel...

 

[satpak77]

ATC Story

Up at cruise on AP, we hear United call Center with a request (yes, United)

Female UAL pilot: Center, can United 123 get a shortcut today?

(silence)

Unknown male Pilot keys up: Honey, you have had shortcuts your whole career

 

[Ty Webb]

Daang! So dats where Ty Guy and da Silly Rabbitt met!

Actually, that could have been me, except it was 200 lbs of gas, and the crusty old captain (now retired) had a last name that rhymed with "sock".

One of my favorites was a private jet owner asking a young Captain, "How old are you, son?"

Young Captain says, "I'm 28, sir".

"28???? Hell, I've got underwear older than that!".

Heh-heh.

Jeff, are you out there?

 

[CapnVegetto]

Actually, that could have been me, except it was 200 lbs of gas, and the crusty old captain (now retired) had a last name that rhymed with "sock".

One of my favorites was a private jet owner asking a young Captain, "How old are you, son?"

Young Captain says, "I'm 28, sir".

"28???? Hell, I've got underwear older than that!".

Heh-heh.

Jeff, are you out there?

Yeah, I've had that once or twice. I'll be 28 in a couple of days!

 

[mdanno808]

An older captain, and an FO who absolutely hate each other are taxiing out, when the captain notices that the FO's shoulder harnesses are not buckled. The captain turns and says, "Dammit, fasten your shoulder harnesses. That's an FAR."

The FO says, "F you, no talking below 10,000', that's an FAR."