Doesn't Center know I have to urinate!?

[skytrucker]

gotta love Customs

This is a great thread.

The Customs story reminds me of my first "international" flight from Victoria B.C to San Juan Island. Before We left the pax (who was from Germany) asked how long the flight is. I tell him about 10-15 minutes. We arrive earlier than my reported time to customs (I guess i was just supposed to fly in circles or something). We're waiting by the plane and he's hopping around like little bunny foo-foo. Still no Customs. Finally he stay's he's going to **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** his pants if he doesn't go. The bathroom is about 15 feet away, and feeling bad for him, I tell him to hurry up.

Well, sure enough, just as he returning the gustpo customs chick show up and is none to happy.

So we both head of to thier trailer for 2 1/2 hours of intergotation and (practicialy) body cavity search.

I got off with a warning, but next time, dude is **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED**ting on the ramp by the passenger window!

 

[Hugh Jorgan]

Ah yes, no shortage of P-3 pi$$, puke and $hit stories. I must have known a half a dozen guys who dumped in their flightsuits in an effort to avoid a case-of-beer fine. Unfortunately, I have one of my own. We had just finished a week-long detachment to the Philippines and were returning to Okinawa via a 10-hour tactical mission. Since I was also proud of never using the $hitter and therefore never having to buy a case of beer, I did what I could to hold my San Miguel squirts. There was no way I was going to break down and use the head. Well, about 6 hours into the flight, I realized-too late- that I was going to explode. I ran to the head and about the time I got one arm out of my flight suit, I lost all muscle control and the mud started flying everywhere. I managed to get about 2/3s of the thin mud in the bag and the rest painted the walls a nice UPS hue. I spent a lot of time cleaning and got to see what it was like to fly a flight in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I vowed to never again let that happen and became a regular clandestine dumper....I would have bought ten cases of beer to keep that from happening. Funny, I didn't end up with a fecal callsign..wonder why.

Now for the #1 story. I went through flight training in Corpus Christi in the middle of the summer. The heat there is incredible. One has to drink tons of water to maintain hydration. You have to download right before walking to the plane and always have to go as soon as you get on the ground. While doing my formation checkride, which is a longer flight, I told my IP that I needed a little rain delay to use the relief tube. with my big survival vest on, it was hard to even find my little tally whacker and get it near the tube, but somehow I managed. I must have been peeing for 2 minutes before I started feeling my ass getting wet. As I stretched my neck to see what was going on down there, I saw a full cone just overflowing all over the place. Nobody told me about the button you have to push. The cockpit had pee shloshing all over the deck. I was too scared to say anything to my IP and had no idea what I should do. Needless to say, I kept that one a secret for a LONG time.

Jim, are you back at work yet????

 

[Squanto]

If laughter is the best medicine we should sell this thread to the MAYO CLINIC.

 

[Chunk]

My shop chief (AW shop) was flying (night flight) in the back of the trusty ol' S-3 with a total A-hole LT (former nuke E...who'd a thunk it!) who had a degree in Physiology. Guys' a HUGE health nut. Always drinking water, especially inflight. One can get really dehydrated on those long 3 hour flights, right? Right. Anyway, the dude had to pi$$, but didn't have a piddle pack. Does genius boy use those long-studied ACT (CRM) skills and ask the rest of his crew? NO! Does he wait the 10 minutes until they trap? NO! He uses a puke bag and proceeds to spill all over. It's pitch black in the back of the War Hoover at night, so no harm, no foul, right? He takes the rest of his water and 'dilutes' the piss. Why? Who knows. Maybe so he can claim it was only water. Anyway, they trap successfully and taxi. Pilot announces that the MO and the OPSO are suited up and waiting, gonna be a hot switch for the TTLR (standby tanker). Wonderboy gets out without telling anyone anything, walks up to the plane captain and tells him there is a mess inside to clean. Well, the OPSO goes to climb in (the hatch is at the feet of the TACCO station, where pissboy was sitting) and obviously feels his glove getting wet. Smells his hand and yells, " PISS!" Not much he can do about it, he's gotta man up. Gets in, gets all kinda electrical faults, AFCS offline, RAAWS down. Big suprise, jet's down! So the next cycle (all the scheduled flights) gets delayed while the tanker crew rolls to the next jet. Very big deal!! After the event was over, the OPSO and MO come flying into the ready room like a bat outta hell screaming for the head of a certain LT. I guess the plane captain talked! Good for him.

Our urine boy had to apologize to the plane captain, clean the jet, help the AE's fix the shorts (stand there and hand them tools), and got his a$$ royally chewed in a fashion only a skipper can do in front of everyone at the front of the ready. He was SDO for the remainder of cruise (5 weeks) and transferred to Medical Staff Corps (Aviation Physiology) very soon thereafter.
So all you guys running through NAOMI or Water survival Jax (last place I heard he was), be on the lookout for a physiologist with FO wings.

Chunk

 

[ExAF]

My wife says there's nothing funnier to little boys or grown men than bathroom humor. Men will always find their bodily fluids and functions entertaining. You know what...she is right. This thread has had me ROTFLMAO. Some stories had me laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. Keep em coming!

 

[FL000]

I won't give y'all the full story because it hurts to tell it, but this one time (not at band camp) I returned to my home field without socks or boxers. Oofdah!

 

[Joseph II]

I took my Grandma up on a sightseeing tour over the city. Well she didn't tell me she was taking heart medication that made her have to pee. The flight lasted about 45 minutes and when she got out of the airplane she told my Mom she had to go. She peed in her pants and they had to drive a car out to to the ramp to pick her up.

She is a cool grandma though and didn't get too embarassed.

I felt like a dumbass but how was I supposed to know?

 

[HappyFlying]

I was flying a Skyhawk back from a cookout and needed to make a wee really really bad. As approach was handing me off to tower I heard a Lear getting handed off too. I switched over to tower before he could and asked them for "No Delay to the field." The tower guy asked me to state my fuel status. I told him that I had nearly full fuel but a completely full bladder. He then cleared me to land straight in to 23 and put the Lear on a vector. The Lear pilot replied "Lear 62LV understand we're number two behind the Cessna that has to number one."
I now take goodies to the tower folks at TRI every Christmas.

 

[OtterFO]

When I was flight instructing at FNL, I sent a student out for his first solo. Under the impression that it would give the student a few extra mins to collect themselves. I would have them do a run-up even though they had just flown the aircraft 20 mins before. As I was watching though field glasses, he did a careful and complete run-up. Then proceded to open the window on the 150 and projectile barf right on the run-up pad. He then latched the window shut, pulled out on the runway and soloed....


I had more fun drawing on that solo shirt than any others......

 

[kilomike]

GREAT thread!! Thanks for the laughs.

I recall hearing about an incident aboard a Beech 1900D. In flight, one of the crewmembers had a sudden attack of the runs. He dashed to the back of the plane, opened the divider and let loose (no pun intended!) into the box with tools and inlet covers!!

I once flew with a friend and had a lady and her son in the back seat. They were on their first flight in the Cessna. I was on final approach when I smelled what I thought was an intense passing of gas, and since it went away in short order, I gave it no more thought. As it turned out, the woman puked into her sweater. I had no idea!