Diarrhea in a freighter?

[barondriver]

Two of them.. FORTUNATELY NOT ME. Once, as a piston instructor, my Italian student told me from the back seat that he was "sick".. I directed him to the barf bag, figuring he knew how to place it over his mouth and fill... About a minute later this horrid smell fills the front and the student flying and myself turn, and find to our horror, that our back seater was in the aft section squatting into the removable plastic baggie and doing his best to fill it with lasagna from the previous evening. Wow. The second, as a EMB120 captain, my F/O was farting up a storm about half way to our dest, about a 1.5 hr flight.. When I started descending, he said he thought he had to use the lav.. Doing my best "I'll be there for ya" Captain, I told him we could circle and hold for a minute if bowels were starting to squawk 7700.. He declined. Figuring he knew his body better than I did, I continued.. After calling for the gear (about 2000 feet), I hear a commotion of metal clanging next to me, and see the poor guy in a life and death struggle with his harness and lap belt.. He bolts out of the chair, drops trou between the two seats and uses our trash bag as a "receptacle".. I almost grabbed the 02 mask to prevent crashing. Ohhhh Lordy..

 

[CMI]

A guy I know ripped open a plastic wrapped pallet and stuck his @$$ in and let it rip. He said it was a "GOT TO GO NOW $H!T". I was told it was liquid in form, maybe explosive excrement. They forked off the pallet, and nothing became of it.

 

[Jurassic Jet]

LMAO.... I'm in tears. :laugh:

 

[Luis1576]

A long, long time ago in a land not to far away, there was a young, eager Beech Baron pilot who would never turn down a flight. This young man was excited that he was flying a multi-engine airplane and getting paid for it. Many adventures came to this lads way. But one specific night, there came an adventure he would never forget!! One starry night our young Baron superhero was getting ready for bed, when the phone rang. It was boss man saying," Super lad, we have a mission for you!! I need you to go to the airport right now and fire up that Baron, and got to Wichita, pick up Mr. Pain In My Ass and take him down to Houston County...." So off went our hero into the night to complete his mission. Little did he know what the night had in store. Turns out, Houston and the surrounding area had 1/4 mile visibility in fog, but finally our adventurer of the skies made it into Houston Intercontinental after shooting multiple approaches at multiple airports in the area. Needless to say, Super Boy developed quite an appetite after this, but it was four in the morning and nothing was going to be open. He pulled up to the FBO, shut down, dropped off Mr.PITA and low and behold, the lad spotted a vending machine with all kinds of yummy microwavable treats. But one treat in particular caught his hungry little eyes. A pack of 8 microwavable buffalo wings....YUM!!! What could possibly go wrong. So our fearless chauffer of the skies scraped up the $1.50 required to purchase these chicken wings and threw 'em in the microwave and didn't even let them cook the whole way. He savored these chicken wings like if they were a fine delicacy found at only the finest gourmet ....whatever...point is they where f$#%n good. So now its time to go and our favorite lad hops back in to our favorite Baron on off he goes into the night again with a smile on his face and a belly full of chicken wings from a vending machine, when about 30 minutes into the flight our fearless Baron driver felt a funny sensation in his belly, bubble guts to be exact...."uh-oh" he thinks.. but then he shrugged it off and continued. But then it just started building up , so much so that it was becoming painful..."maybe I'll just let out a little test fart to relieve a little pressure" he thought. So he did. But this fart had company and it meant business. Luckily our boy caught it in time, but he had to get this airplane on the ground, and quick!!!! He was clenching his o-ring as tight as he could, beads of sweat are starting to drip down his forehead,...He had a full on case of the meat sweats.....So he radioed for the nearest airport an was given a vector to a nearby airport bout 10 miles ahead of his position...I don't think this young man could've gotten that airplane on the ground any quicker. So he pulls into this ramp, shuts down and makes a B-line to the FBO. Much to his dismay the door was locked and there was nobody home...he was coming to the stark realization that he may actually ******************** his pants... but he didn't give in yet ...he ran back to the airplane, clenching his bunghole as tight as he could and started looking for something to wipe with, but there wasn't much time. this crap was coming and there was no stopping it....Panicking as to where to make this deposit, out of the corner of his eye he noticed a concrete garbage can right next to the entrance of the FBO.."BINGO" he thought. he quickly ran to the garbage can , depantsed, and took a seat on top of this garbage can and let it rip, all the while keeping a careful look out for any witnesses to this "Dumb and Dumber" ass explosion taking place. All was going well until our determined young aviator realized, "What am I gonna wipe my ass with?!" All of a sudden it dawned on him that there was a box of Kleenex in the airplane, but he was gonna have to do the unthinkable...he was gonna have to hobble over to the airplane with his pants around his ankles and a muddy but to obtain the goods!!! So he did!!! He got the Kleenex, wiped his ass, and off he went into the night and lived happily ever after, and never EVER ate vending machine chicken wings EVER again!!!
the end..
the events depicted here in are based on a true story!!

 

[g-code]

That's fn awesome!

 

[belchfire]

He got the Kleenex, wiped his ass, and off he went into the night and lived happily ever after, and never EVER ate vending machine chicken wings EVER again!!!

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Beware the "Airport Buffet"...

I Sh!+ thee not!

Coming across the pond last nite I was puking my guts out and the other FO was crapping his pants the whole way. It was ugly!

Delhi-Belly sucks big time...

I'm so glad this thread hasn't gone down the drain-if anyone knows where the OP "Frank Towns" is, I owe him a beer for all the entertainment!

 

[Midnight Flyer]

Several years ago I was doing a 727 repositioning flight (20 minutes flying time). We also had a DC8 crew and a mechanic from another freight airline jumpseat with us, so the cockpit and courier seats were all occupied.

During taxi, I started to feel the pressure, then the rumble. I knew it was coming, but hell it's only a 20 minute hop, so I should be able to hold it right? Half of our fleet have regular passenger style lavatories with doors that close, but the other half just have a privacy curtain. I was on my 3rd tail number of the night, so honestly I had no idea if the plane I was flying had a door or curtain.
Well passing through 8000 I couldn't hold it anymore, so I tell the FO he's on his own, and I go running back to the lav, barely making it. And wouldn't you know it, I had the curtain!! Here I am sitting 2 feet from these jumpseaters with the squirts. I couldn't apologize enough to these guys!
One of our planes still had the big phone for making PA's, the FO should have announced "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain"!

 

[skyward80]

A few years ago... I caught the "AMC Funk" out of a forward deployed location. After our first air refueling (AR), I requested a break due to the expansion of gasses. I laid down in one of my KC-10's (DC-10's) bunks. An hour later, I woke up in cold sweats. I barely made it through the cargo net in time to hit our only lavatory! I remained there for the better part of 7 hours while Mother Nature made emergency exits out of both ends of my body. I sacrificed my underwear during AR #3 or #4. We finally landed in Spain. After landing, I bought crackers and Gatorade. While ingesting stale crackers, I noticed ants crawling out of the box of crackers I had purchased at the Shopette. I ran to the bathroom (communal) and destroyed the local lav. This was one of many sacrifices I made for Uncle Sam.

 

[belchfire]

It's a song but the last line applies...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQAmvKMGUko

 

[wwiiguy]

Bump. Good stuff.