Diarrhea in a freighter?

[Flysher]

This did not happen in a cockpit, but if it had I would have for sure hatched the turtles during low tide.

I was on my way to work today after running some errands during lunch, and the liquid luge team started heading down the tracks. I was frozen in my car seat, I didn't and sometimes couldn't shift the gears and/or brake, and I kept it in third and tried my hardest to make it all the way, approx 10 minutes to work. I could have stopped at one of the many gas stations, but dang I think I would rather load my pants than sit on one of those pee coated toilets (I have a phobia).

I get to work and parked the car. I had to sit still with my cheeks so tight I could form diamonds for about 3 minutes waiting for the pressure wave to end, it was my 4th wave, and any bodily movement would have been disastrous. It was 45 degrees out and I was sweating so hard it got in my eyes. I welcomed the discomfort in my eyes to distract from the intestinal pain and my chocolate starfish being threatened to be blown apart.

I finally started making my way to the bathroom, with the hunched over, knees locked shuffle, and yes one hand was on my stomach with the other swinging hard to try to get me some acceleration.

When I got into the stall I tried to put the "provided by management" seat covers down at the same time undoing my pants and belt. That dang luge team was now at a world record pace, as I quickly made the decision to forget the seat cover I frantically pulled my pants down while trying to get my rear to the hole.

And this is how it ended. Sad to say but the luge team derailed and got splattered all over the finishing wall. At least I did not unload in my pants, but the clean up was horrible...

pp

this one had me almost crying with laughter.

 

[JettBoii]

There is a pilot here at ASA who is lactose intolerant. Dont know em just heard the story. Ate something that disagreed with him. Jumped out of his seat and went for the trashbag that hangs on the f/o's seat and scored about half of it in. Had to cut his underwear off with a crash axe. Damn

 

[JettBoii]

We used to have this really cute departure coordinator that went from plane to plane to see if we would be on time. Her name starts with an "S". She is gone but you guys know who I am talking about. I was alone waiting on the other crew to come over from another flight. I was cooking a serious meatloaf but was not quite ready to take it out of the oven; I dropped a fart that stunk so bad you could have chewed it. I was laughing to myself thinking too bad the captain isnt here to get a whiff of this bad boy. It was foul; would have shamed the locals at the truk stop. 2 seconds later I hear someone coming up the airstair doors hoping it was catering but nope it was her and she came straight into the cockpit. I was beet red and began sweating as she proceeded to stand up there and talk to me. I thought I was going to die. I know she could smell it; think the rampers smelled it. I could never look herin the eye again around ops.

 

[mpflies2]

ok this is officially the funniest f'n thread i've ever read

 

[MD11Fr8Dog]

Who has had the squittals in the cockpit, and what did you do about it?

Flying FO from Shanghai to Subic Bay 8 yrs ago. Got the stomach rumbles about halfway there. About 20 mins prior to top of descent into Subic I had to hit the lav. I finally returned passing 14,000ft on the descent and barely made to landing. Hit the lav in flight ops 5 mins after block in, spent the next 4 days in the hospital in Subic on an IV! I don't recommend the milk at the Shanghai Hilton's breakfast buffet!

 

[pipe]

Buddy of mine commuting through ATL. Just coming back from a one day visit to family in FL and connecting through the ATL. This is early 90's and a tie is still pretty much a requirement.

Anyhow, hustling through terminal on a tight connect and $hits himself. Goes to the bathroom to clean up and has to throw the khakis away. Has only a pair of cutoff shorts to put on.

Changes, makes his jumpseat in cutoffs, oxford, and tie. Tells the Capt the whole deal and gets the JS.

Now that is a commute!!

PIPE

 

[pipe]

Another gem.

Myself and another CFI flying a 172 from College Station, TX to MO. Ate at a mongolian BBQ in TX. Over southern OK at about 2 a.m. and the other guy is clenching for all he's worth trying to make TUL. I am compassionately laughing my A$$ off.

Finally he grabs the yoke and points at a lighted runway in the middle of nowhere directly below us. Screaming descent, lands, stops in about 400 ft and bails out with the engine running. Takes a dump on the runway, removes his t-shirt to wipe up, and hops back in. Off we go!

I still have no idea what airport that was.

PIPE

 

[Lance Uppercut]

When your prairie dog'n it on the approach,

And for once, you don't mind using the lav in coach.


When your dotting cotton during the climb,

And you wish you were on the throne at the time.

 

[dseagrav]

I still have no idea what airport that was.

Hope it wasn't towered.

 

[ELVISP]

Oh man these are friggin good! I've been laughing my ass off.
We were in a Lear 35 running cargo to Louisville one night and my FO was a chronic sufferer of Irritable Bowel syndrome. We had grabbed a quick bite at a local burger place that was closing and he gorged himself. about 20 min into the flight we were climbing, the cabin was climbing and the pressure in his plumbing was climbing. He was looking all flushed and sweaty then he started taking the deep "I can hold it" breaths but then started complaining about the "o" ring quivers and I knew we were in for a rough ride. Me, being the compasionate guy we all are late in the evening, just started laughing at him. Then the creshendo happened...he got up and ran to the honey pot and proceeded to defile the unit. But...not before he left the 1st 25% in his pants and on the co-pilot seat. What a stink...I will never get that smell out of my head, that undigested rotten meat and sh#t smell. Not so funny then.
He tried to clean it up but couldn't get it out of the seat. Bad news. So there we sat...for hours in that stench. Oh...and he had the balls when we were headed back to ask if we could swap seats so he could fly on the left side. LOL.........I think you all know my answer. They had to replace the seat coushin when we got back.
And..."Irritable Bowel Syndrome" should be a grounding medical condition.