part tres
A
chunk of blue ice was ejected overboard and sucked into an engine, causing
the entire engine, pylon and all, to tear from the airframe and drop to
earth.
And the pilot knows his cataract is not going to stop until either the CO2
is entirely evaporated or the tank of blue death is entirely drained.
Meanwhile, the white steam, the evaporating carbon dioxide, is filling the
cabin with vapor like the smoke show at a rock concert. He decides to get
the captain.
Our captain tonight, as fate would have it, is a boisterous and slightly
crazy Scandinavian named Jens. Jens is a tall, square-jawed Norwegian with
graying, closely cropped curls and an animated air of fiery, charismatic
cocksure. Jens’ is one of those guys who makes everybody laugh simply by
walking into a room, though whether or not he’s trying to is never made
entirely clear. He is sitting in the captain’s chair. The sun has set hours
ago but he is still wearing mirrored Ray-Bans.
"Jens, come here fast! I need your help."
Jens nods to the first officer, unbuckles his belt and moves quickly
toward the cockpit door. This is an airline captain, a confident
four-striper trained and ready, whatever pretensions of insanity he might
provide for the sake of a good time, for any assortment of airborne calamity
— engine failures, fires, bombs, wind shear. What will he find back there?
Jens steps into the entryway and is greeted not by any of a thousand
different training scenarios, but by a psychedelic fantasy of color and
smoke, a wall of white fog and the fuming blue witch’s cauldron, the outfall
from which now covers the entire floor from the entrance of the cockpit to
the enormous nylon safety net that separates the crew from its load of
pineapples.
Jens stares, then turns to his young second officer and puts his hand on
his shoulder, a gesture that is one of both fatherly comfort and surrendering
camaraderie, as if to say, "Don’t worry son, I’ll clean all this up," or
maybe, "Down with the ship we go, my friend." Then he sighs, gestures toward
the fizzing, angrily disgorging bowl and says, with a tone of surprisingly UN
ironic pride: "She’s got quite a head on her, doesn’t she?"
But what can they do? And in one of those dreaded realizations pilots are
advised to avoid, that insulation between cockpit calm and atmospheric
anarchy looks thin indeed, the blue juice eating away at the thin metal
barrier. An extrapolated vision of horror: the riveted aluminum planks
bending apart, the wind rushing in, explosive and total depressurization,
death, the first airliner — no, the first vehicle — in history to crash
because of an overflowing toilet. Into the sea, where divers and salvage
ships will haul up the wreckage, detritus trailing from mauled,
unrecognizable pieces while investigators shake their heads. At least, he
thinks, odds are nobody will ever know, the cold ocean carrying away the
evidence. He’s good as dead, but saved, maybe, from immortal embarrassment.
A dash of mystique awaits him, the same that met St. Exupéry at the dark
bottom of the Mediterranean, another lousy pilot who got philosophical and
paid the price. Maybe he blew up the toilet too. Probable cause: unknown.
"Call flight control," commands Jens, hoping a dose of authority will
enact some clarity into what is obviously and hopelessly absurd. "Get a patch
with maintenance and explain what happened."
He rushes back to the cockpit to call the company’s maintenance staff in
Cincinnati. He fires up the high frequency radios, small black boxes that
can bounce the human voice, and any of its associated embarrassments, up off
the ionosphere and halfway around the world if need be. He will announce his
predicament to the mechanics, but also to any of dozens of other airplanes
who happen to be monitoring the same frequency. Even before keying the mike
he can see the looks and hear the wisecracks from the Delta and United pilots
in their state-of-the-art 777s, Mozart soothing their passengers through Bose
headsets, flight attendants wiping down the basins, while somewhere in the
night sky three poor souls in a Cold War relic are trapped in a blue
scatological hell, struggling helplessly with a flood of excrement and
chemicals.
"You say the TOILET EXPLODED?" Cincinnati is on the line, incredulous but
not particularly helpful. "Well, not sure. Should be okay. Nothing below
the cabin there to worry about. Press on, I guess." Thanks.
Jens has grabbed the extension wand for the fire extinguisher — a hollow
metal pole the length of a harpoon — and is shoving it down into the bowl
trying to agitate the mixture to a stop. Ten minutes have passed by now, and
a good ten gallons have streamed their way onto the floor and beyond. Up
front, the first officer has no idea what’s going on. Looking behind him,
his view mostly blocked by the circuit breaker panels and cockpit door, this
is what he sees: a haze of white odorless smoke, and his captain yelping with
laughter and thrusting at something with a long metal pole.
Our pilot stands aside, watching Jens do battle. This was a little kid
who dreamed of becoming a 747 captain for Pan Am, the embodiment of all that
was, and could still be, elegant and glamorous about aviation. And poor
Jens, whose ancestors ploughed this same Atlantic in longboats, ravenous for
adventure and conquest, a twenty-first century Viking jousting with a broken
toilet.
So it goes, and by the time the airplane touches down safely, it’s
plumbing finally at rest, each and every employee at the Cincinnati cargo
hub, clued in by the amused mechanics who received our distress call, already
knows the story of the idiot who poured dry ice into the crapper. His socks
and hundred-dollar Rockports have been badly damaged, while the cargo net,
walls, panels and placards aboard N806DH are forever dyed a heavenly azure.
The crew bus pulls up to the stairs, and as the pilots step on board the
driver looks up and says excitedly, "So are you the guys with the toilet?"