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Everything above is amature. Put an ad in the Sunday local edition of the washington post titled "free monkey to good home, bartender trained, comes with shock collar" leave your buddy's home, office and cell number. The calls begin at around 5am est and never stop. you get the nut jobs really interested in having a pet monkey and all of the peta nutjobs pissed about the shock collar. if you really want to get him, give his address and say there will be an open house for interested parties to meet the monkey. Works every time
Have sex with his mother.