Any new airline jokes?

[ilinipilot]

Funniest Thread Ever, hands down

My contributions:

What do you call three (any Airline) Flight attendants in a whirlpool?

Gorillas in the Mist

D

 

[Skyboss]

A kid walks up to three pilots sitting a gate area. He asks the first airline pilot... What airline do you fly for? The pilot replies... Delta. He then turns to the next pilot and asks.. What airline do you fly for? The pilot replies... Northwest. He then turns to the third pilot and asks... What airline do you fly for? The pilot replys, what the f do you want???


The kid replys.. Never mind. United.

.................................................

CA: "Ladies and gentlemen, we're leveling off at our cruise altitude of 37,000 feet and are scheduled to arrive on time in Chicago".

Accidentaly leaving the PA on, he says to the FO... "I'm going to go take a Sh!t and bang a stew."

The stew comes running up to the front of the plane to tell the CA what he had said over the PA system when she trips over a piece of luggage landing head first at the feet of an 80 year old lady. The old lady looks down at her and says:

"Dear, it's okay, you don't have to be in such a hurry. He said he has to take a Sh!t first"


.........................................

Two blondes and a brunett are on a plane that is going down. Following the announcement of the impending crash, the first blonde takes off her shirt and bra. Her two friends look at her and say "What are you dong???" She responds, no firefighter woudl ever pass up a great pair of tits! The second begins taking out here jewelry and putting it all on. The others ask.. "What are you doing?" She responds... When they see my jewels, they will want to save them and I will be saved. The brunette then drops here pants and proudly exclaims.... Dumb blondes! Don't you know the first thing they always go for is the black box????

 

[shamrock]

Q. What happens when a mainline pilot takes Viagra?

A. He gets taller.



(This applies to some guys at my regional too, but it's just easier to jump on the mainline bandwagon.)

 

[Stifler's Mom]

A woman is on a first date with a pilot. A half-hour into the conversation, the pilot says, "OK, enough about me, let's talk about airplanes."

 

[vclean]

A man suspects his wife has been cheating on him with a pilot. He confronts her when she is late coming home from work. "Damm!t Susan! I know you have been seeing that pilot again! Don't lie, I know all about it!". The wife was shocked by her husband's outburst, but quickly answered, "For the 9er thousand time, negative, negative, negative!".

 

[whereamI]

What's the difference between an airplane (insert any of your choosing) and a cactus?


The cactus has pricks on the outside.

 

[skyride56]

oldie but a goodie

A woman runs into the police dept. and yells "Help Me, Help ME, I've just been raped by an airline pilot please help me",

the officer says, "OK, OK, calm down! First of all, how can you be so sure he's an airline pilot?"

Woman, "Easy, he had a big watch, a little d!ck, and wouldn't stop talking about himself.

 

[CaptainBrazilia]

How can you tell there's an airline pilot in the hotel bar?

He's the guy at the counter with the giant watch who's bragging about the size of his aircraft while trying to cash a personal check.

 

[Dizel8]

This is old, but since it wil be that time of year soon.

Santa is getting the sleigh ready Christmas eve, when a FAA inspector shows up. "Hello Santa, according to our records, you ae due for a check driving them reindeers". "Okay", says Santa, " I am about ready to go, how about you?" Mr FAA says yep, but he has to go to his car, to retrieve a shotgun. "A shotgun", says Santa, "what the heck do you need a shotgun for, its christmas eve?" Mr FAA says: " Well, you know you are loosing one on takeoff!

What is the difference between a pilot and a jet engine? The engine stops whining when you get to the gate!

Pilot to FA: "Would you like breakfast in the Morning?"
FA: "Oh yes!"
Pilot: "Should I ring or should I nudge?"

And finally, this happened to me. On a layover, this F/A kept banging on my door. I mean, she was banging untill 4 am or so. But hey, I finally tired of it and let her out!

 

[AFELLOWAVIATOR]

How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb??






3, YOU GOT A PROMLEM WITH THAT?

 

[WrightAvia]

How many ERAU grads does it take to change a lightbulb?





Two...One to go get the diet cokes, while the other one calls daddy.

 

[chperplt]

How many ERAU grads does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many a@@holes does it take to ruin a good board?

ONE... If it's name is WrightAvia

 

[WrightAvia]

How many a@@holes does it take to ruin a good board?

ONE... If it's name is WrightAvia

Hehehehehehahahahah...that's a knee slapper.

 

[nyboilermaker]

Why do pilots wear those hats?

...To hide the circumcision.

 

[Jack Schitt]

What does a pilot's wife do with her @sshole right before she has sex?



She drops him off at the airport.