Any new airline jokes?

[ALGFLYR]

What's the difference between a good flight attendant and a Great flight attendant?

A good flight attendant says "Good Morning Captain".

A great flight attendant says "It's Morning Captain".

 

[acaTerry]

OK, this is a bad one, so if you have thin skin, don't read it......

What is the difference between a FA and a washing machine?

A washing machine won't follow you around for a week if you leave your load in it

 

[Huck]

A guy walks into a bar near ORD with United coveralls on and is covered from head to toe in blue fluid. He stinks to high heaven, and the crowd parts as he walks to the bar.

The bartender gags as he gets him a beer. He says, "Man, why do you smell so bad?"

"Well, you know those jets out there on the airport? After they park them for the night, they lower me down into the waste tanks and I mop out the blue fluid."

The bartender says, "It's none of my business, but have you ever thought about another line of work?"

"What, and leave aviation?"

 

[Mike man]

What do KFC and a FA have in common?


Once you get past the breast and thighs all you have left is a greasy box to stick your bone in!

 

[CF34-3B1]

A guy walks into a bar carrying a cat, a shotgun and a bucket of s*it.

He sits at the bar and has a few drinks. Afterwards, he stands up, puts the bucket of s*it on the floor, and blasts it with the shotgun. The cat goes running out the door and he follows the cat.

The following week, the same guy returns, and does the exact same thing.

He repeats this for the next several weeks until the bartender stops him at the door the next time.

"What the heck are you doing anyway?" The bartender asks.

"I'm training to be an airline pilot." the guy says.

"Huh? How does what you're doing train you to be an airline pilot?"

"Well, I come in, have a few drinks, shoot the s*it, chase some pu$$y, and then take the rest of the week off."

 

[gopherflight]

Q: How do you know when the flight's half over?

A: The Capt. says, "Enough about me, tell me about you".


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three things you never want to hear in the cockpit:

1. The FE saying, " In my experience......"

2. The FO saying, "I've been thinking....."

3. The CA saying, "Hey, watch this....."

 

[dashtrasher]

What's the difference between a FA and a 747???


Not everyone has been in a 747.


____________________________________________________


What's the difference between a condom and a cockpit???


You can get only one dick in a condom.

 

[FL000]

Q: How do you know when the flight's half over?

A: The Capt. says, "Enough about me, tell me about you".

Q: how do you know when your date with a pilot is half over?

A: he says, "enough about flying, let's talk about me."

------------------------------------------------------------------

riddle: You walk into a room and there are 100 people. One is a pilot. How do you know which one?







He'll tell you.

 

[mullet]

q: What do you call a US Airways FO?
a: Captain

 

[Tug Driver]

A mother and her son were flying ACA from MBS to ORD. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to go and ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy walked up the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because ACA always pulls out on time.

 

[ilinipilot]

Funniest Thread Ever, hands down

My contributions:

What do you call three (any Airline) Flight attendants in a whirlpool?

Gorillas in the Mist

D

 

[Skyboss]

A kid walks up to three pilots sitting a gate area. He asks the first airline pilot... What airline do you fly for? The pilot replies... Delta. He then turns to the next pilot and asks.. What airline do you fly for? The pilot replies... Northwest. He then turns to the third pilot and asks... What airline do you fly for? The pilot replys, what the f do you want???


The kid replys.. Never mind. United.

.................................................

CA: "Ladies and gentlemen, we're leveling off at our cruise altitude of 37,000 feet and are scheduled to arrive on time in Chicago".

Accidentaly leaving the PA on, he says to the FO... "I'm going to go take a Sh!t and bang a stew."

The stew comes running up to the front of the plane to tell the CA what he had said over the PA system when she trips over a piece of luggage landing head first at the feet of an 80 year old lady. The old lady looks down at her and says:

"Dear, it's okay, you don't have to be in such a hurry. He said he has to take a Sh!t first"


.........................................

Two blondes and a brunett are on a plane that is going down. Following the announcement of the impending crash, the first blonde takes off her shirt and bra. Her two friends look at her and say "What are you dong???" She responds, no firefighter woudl ever pass up a great pair of tits! The second begins taking out here jewelry and putting it all on. The others ask.. "What are you doing?" She responds... When they see my jewels, they will want to save them and I will be saved. The brunette then drops here pants and proudly exclaims.... Dumb blondes! Don't you know the first thing they always go for is the black box????

 

[shamrock]

Q. What happens when a mainline pilot takes Viagra?

A. He gets taller.



(This applies to some guys at my regional too, but it's just easier to jump on the mainline bandwagon.)

 

[Stifler's Mom]

A woman is on a first date with a pilot. A half-hour into the conversation, the pilot says, "OK, enough about me, let's talk about airplanes."

 

[vclean]

A man suspects his wife has been cheating on him with a pilot. He confronts her when she is late coming home from work. "Damm!t Susan! I know you have been seeing that pilot again! Don't lie, I know all about it!". The wife was shocked by her husband's outburst, but quickly answered, "For the 9er thousand time, negative, negative, negative!".

 

[whereamI]

What's the difference between an airplane (insert any of your choosing) and a cactus?


The cactus has pricks on the outside.

 

[skyride56]

oldie but a goodie

A woman runs into the police dept. and yells "Help Me, Help ME, I've just been raped by an airline pilot please help me",

the officer says, "OK, OK, calm down! First of all, how can you be so sure he's an airline pilot?"

Woman, "Easy, he had a big watch, a little d!ck, and wouldn't stop talking about himself.

 

[CaptainBrazilia]

How can you tell there's an airline pilot in the hotel bar?

He's the guy at the counter with the giant watch who's bragging about the size of his aircraft while trying to cash a personal check.

 

[Dizel8]

This is old, but since it wil be that time of year soon.

Santa is getting the sleigh ready Christmas eve, when a FAA inspector shows up. "Hello Santa, according to our records, you ae due for a check driving them reindeers". "Okay", says Santa, " I am about ready to go, how about you?" Mr FAA says yep, but he has to go to his car, to retrieve a shotgun. "A shotgun", says Santa, "what the heck do you need a shotgun for, its christmas eve?" Mr FAA says: " Well, you know you are loosing one on takeoff!

What is the difference between a pilot and a jet engine? The engine stops whining when you get to the gate!

Pilot to FA: "Would you like breakfast in the Morning?"
FA: "Oh yes!"
Pilot: "Should I ring or should I nudge?"

And finally, this happened to me. On a layover, this F/A kept banging on my door. I mean, she was banging untill 4 am or so. But hey, I finally tired of it and let her out!

 

[AFELLOWAVIATOR]

How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb??






3, YOU GOT A PROMLEM WITH THAT?