Aircraft Torture Devices!!

[KeroseneSnorter]

Was just thinking about current and past aircraft and it occured to me that most aircraft have a built in torture device, masterfully designed to give pain repeatedly to the pilots that fly them.

Some that come to mind:

1. Boeing products.......The dreaded knee smasher that boeing calls a trim wheel!

Masterfully designed with a super fast rotation, optimally placed to crush your knee cap. Most effective after a 3 hour leg when your guard is down during approach!!!

2. Dornier 328: An innocent looking, lambskin covered pilot seat with a solid concrete core!!! 6 hours into an 8 hour day and there is no feeling whatsoever in either buttock.......except fot the pain!!! No amount of position changing will relieve your poor posterior!

3. All Citation 500 series: The posturematic! Unless you are of mighty small stature, this creative device slowly transforms you into the hunchback of Notre Dame. Starting with an ache in the small of your back it develops into a full blown spinal reshaping device that takes an army of chiropractors to straighten out! (A close reletive to Learjet's and Mr Mooney's device that they install in their products.) Also the monorail visor.......leaves nice crop rows in your noggin during any kind of mild turbulance!!

4. Pilatus PC-12: The head smasher! Huge cargo door for ease of loading right!!?? With perfectly placed door latching points that leave a large indentation in your skull!!!!

5. Piper products: The stitch master! Discrete overhead door latch with a nice sharp hook to snag your arm as you ingress or egress!!

6. Beechcraft 58 Baron: The non-latching door catch! Cant count how many times the clamshell door crushed a finger because it could not stand up to the prop wash of a passing airplane on a busy ramp. (Mostly affects the creature know as Freightus Doggus, late at night.)

7. The Cessna 300 series: Those nifty retracting steps behind the trailing edge. Perfectly designed to retract when stepped upon in the slightest wrong way!!! Results in a face plant on the ramp or a huge bruise on the shin......either way, most uncomfortable. Not to mention those nice sharp tip tanks......those things need to be listed as a dangerous weapon!

8. Jetstream 30 series: Trippus maximus! This one was designed with passenger injury in mind as well as crew!.......beautifully placed wing spar inside the cabin guaranteed to smash somebodys face into the carpet!!!!!


These few come to mind...I am sure you all can add many more to the list.

Well gotta go let my current back reshaper do its evil deed for today!!!!

 

[bart]

MU2: Takes enormous strength to roll, assisted by a yoke that surely won awards for its poor design...

Lear 20 & 30 series: Guaranteed crick in the neck from leaning to the center away from windshield if over 6 ft.

 

[Axel]

Jetstream 30 series: Trippus maximus! This one was designed with passenger injury in mind as well as crew!.......beautifully placed wing spar inside the cabin guaranteed to smash somebodys face into the carpet!!!!!

With the insidious flashing "caution" light in the ceiling: obstensively designed to call attention to the spar, but it's true purpose is to draw the attention of the prey upward, thereby distracting them from the nefarious trap at their unsuspecting feet.

guaranteed to smash somebodys face into the carpet!!!!!

And wedge them in the aisle between the seats

 

[avbug]

Crew entry door, Sabreliner 60. Best method yet invented to remove a human finger.

Bomb bay in the B-24/PB4Y; no finger way to put fifteen knots in your skull in under six seconds on a turbulent day.

Any single Cessna short of the 208; the crinkle tatoo and scar maker for those whe wear hats (trailing edge of the wing).

The J-3; trapper of those who wear boots with heels.

C-119/C-82, second most efficient remover of fingers for those who screw with the jet door chain drive.

Anything with safety wire.

Anything requiring a sheet metal patch bigger than 2X3.

The pneumatic drill. (through my thumb, two years ago).

Fiberglass.

 

[Dan CFI/CFII]

>Anything with safety wire.

Especially if it's in an inaccessible place and is safetying something filled with fluid of some sort!

>Fiberglass.

No doubt the sharpest material on earth. I can't figure out why they don't make chain saws out of the stuff sometimes

Dan

 

[enigma]

With the insidious flashing "caution" light in the ceiling: obstensively designed to call attention to the spar, but it's true purpose is to draw the attention of the prey upward, thereby distracting them from the nefarious trap at their unsuspecting feet.

Or my favorite, the "Watch Head" placard on the top step of the entryway. Guaranteed to make emplaning pax look down to read it and as they look down they smash the top of their head on the top of the entry doorframe.

The good old sewer rat, What a machine!

enigma

 

[StarChecker]

EMB-145:

The handle to remove the side window...I've seen galaxies worth of stars on several occasions thanks to that nifty little contraption.

Also that official looking mini-step into the cockpit that guarantees you cracking your skull into the doorway.

Also the multiple contusions you can sustain all at once thanks to the perfectly angled circuit-breaker panel.

Oh ya...and those cool looking vortilons....8 more reasons to wear your hat while preflighting.

BE-58:

The step between the baggage doors; very convenient for loading and unloading passengers. Also convenient for banging your shin against at least a dozen times a night when loading and unloading cargo. I still have bumps on my shins from that friggin thing.

 

[mar]

Lobotomizers

On the DC6:

--Feather button guards on the overhead panel: Ouch

--Elbow on rear cargo door actuator: Ouch

--Outboard fuel tanks, 12 foot drop to terra firma, whoops then ouch...

Fly safe?

 

[UpNDownGuy]

Minor thread-jacking ahead...

Avbug: I feel your pain. While going through A&P school years ago, I had the misfortune of being paired with an overly enthusiastic partner. Our assigment was to re-skin part of a Cessna just behind the cockpit. We had got to the riviting, and I was inside on the bucking bar, while my partner ran the rivet gun outside. I was diligently pressing my bucking bar against the inside panel, when my partner made a curious decision. He decided we had "forgot" one rivet that needed placing, so he decided to just drill it out real quick. Without bothering to mention it to me. I noticed what he was doing right away, when I looked down and saw the drill rotating in the exact center of my thumbnail. Big ouchy, let me tell you. New partner, too.


Back on topic:


The pilot seats in a Brasilia were a commisioned work by the Marquis De Sade. A lumbar area that goes in, not out? My back problems started after about 2 years in that device.


The entire cockpit of a MD-11. Everywhere you turn, there is an incredibly sharp corner at the perfect height to get either your shins or knees, or both.

 

[sky37d]

Any single Cessna short of the 208; the crinkle tatoo and scar maker for those whe wear hats (trailing edge of the wing).

I have one of those. Shows up real well when I get a little tan

 

[KeroseneSnorter]

EMB-145:


Oh ya...and those cool looking vortilons....8 more reasons to wear your hat while preflighting.




Oh man I forgot about the hat!!!!!! I was doing the preflight on a 73, dilligently checking the fire bottles and hyd. pumps in the main gear bay, turned around and WHACK!!! Planted my forehead and snot box right into the gear assembly.

We had those nice screw in type of emblems on our caps, you know the real nice pewter ones, well long story short, by the time I dug a quarter inch of screw out of my head and headed back up the jetway the passengers were boarding.......I must have looked real pretty with blood running down my face and two vampire looking puncture wounds in my forhead!!!!! "Hello I will be your pilot today!" The worst part is I had to replace my shirt too!!!!! Hard to get blood out of a white crew shirt

 

[avbug]

The drill thing took a year to heal. I lied; I thought it was my thumb. I just looked, and the scar is still on my left poiner finger; a round spot where there are still no fingerprints.

I managed to get some .025 safety wire through my left palm last week while safetying a radio stack in an avionics bay. That still feels wonderful every time I dip my hand in solvent.

Though it didn't happen to me, I know an individual who cored his finger when his wedding ring caught at the top of the ladder coming out of the nosegear bay in a P2V-7. I remembered it vividly later when my own ring caught in almost the same place...and I never wore a ring around an airplane again. I still don't.

I had a wrench slip while torqueing an oil pan bolt on an IO-520, during an annual inspection on a Cessna 210 a few years ago. The bolt stripped, and when it slipped, my hand came off, and caught a sharp piece of baffeling. It broke the finger, and cut it to the bone. We were in need of getting the airplane out that afternoon, and shorthanded. I shot neosporin in the cut, butterflied it closed, and put a broken tongue depresser between that finger and the adjacent one. I taped the two fingers together with medical tape and went back to work. That one took a year to heal, too.

Ever get working and notice after a while that there's red streaks on your tool or work, and then have to do some searching before you find out where you're cut? Never feel it until after you've found it, and then you have to stop working to stop the bleeding. Lots of places to get cut, scraped, trapped, crushed, banged, shocked, and all other manner of injury around an airplane.

I have very few items of clothing that aren't stained with 60 wt. oil...

 

[Dizel8]

Not exactly a torture device, but then again, it sort of is. For all you younguns, the Islander/Trislander is a strange looking british contraption, of which there were only a select few US operators.

Here is the Islander:
http://www.airliners.net/open.file/150106/M/

And here, tadaaah, is the Trislander
http://www.airliners.net/open.file/132145/M/

"New design - BN2-XL

Undaunted by technical realities, the design team at Pilatus Britten - Norman has announced plans for the BN2-XL, promising more noise, reduced payload, a lower cruise speed, and increased pilot workload.

We spoke to Mr. Fred Gribble, former British Rail boilermaker, and now Chief Project Engineer. Fred was responsible for developing many original and creative design flaws in the service of his former employer, and will be incorporating these in the new BN2-XL technology under a licensing agreement. Fred reassured BN-2 pilots, however, that all fundamental design flaws of the original model had been retained. Further good news is that the XL version is available as a retrofit.

Among the new measures is that of locking the ailerons in the central position, following airborne and simulator tests which showed that whilst pilots of average strength were able to achieve up to 30 degrees of control wheel deflection, this produced no appreciable variation in the net flight of the aircraft. Thus the removal of costly and unnecessary linkages has been possible, and the rudder has been nominated as the primary directional control. In keeping with this new philosophy, but to retain commonality for crews transitioning to the XL, additional resistance to foot pressure has been built in to the rudder pedals to prevent over-controlling in gusty conditions (defined as those in which wind velocity exceeds 3 knots). An outstanding feature of Islander technology has always been the adaptation of the O-540 engine, which mounted in any other aircraft in the free world (except the Trislander) is known for its low vibration levels. The Islander adaptations cause it to shake and batter the airframe, gradually crystallise the main spar, desynchronise the accompanying engine, and simulate the sound of fifty skeletons fornicating in an aluminium dustbin.

PBN will not disclose the technology they applied in preserving this effect in the XL but Mr. Gribble assures us it will be perpetrated in later models and sees it as a strong selling point. "After all, the Concorde makes a lot of noise" he said, "and look how fast that goes." However design documents clandestinely recovered from the PBN shredder have solved a question that has puzzled aerodynamicists and pilots for many years, disclosing that it is actually noise which causes the BN2 to fly. The vibration set up by the engines, and amplified by the airframe, in turn causes the air molecules above the wing to oscillate at atomic frequency, reducing their density and creating lift. This can be demonstrated by sudden closure of the throttles, which causes the aircraft to fall from the sky. As a result, lift is proportional to noise, rather than speed, explaining amongst other things the aircraft's remarkable takeoff performance. In the driver's cab (as Gribble describes it) ergonomic measures will ensure that long-term PBN pilots' deafness does not cause in-flight dozing. Orthopaedic surgeons have designed a cockpit layout and seat to maximise backache, en-route insomnia, chronic irritability and terminal (post-flight) lethargy.

Redesigned "bullworker" elastic aileron cables, now disconnected from the control surfaces, increase pilot workload and fitness. Special noise retention cabin lining is an innovation on the XL, and it is hoped in later models to develop cabin noise to a level which will enable pilots to relate ear-pain directly to engine power, eliminating the need for engine instruments altogether.

We were offered an opportunity to fly the XL at Britten-Norman's development facility, adjacent to the BritRail tearooms at Little Chortling. (The flight was originally to have been conducted at the Pilatus plant but aircraft of BN design are now prohibited from operating in Swiss airspace during avalanche season). For our mission profile, the XL was loaded with coal for a standard 100 nm trip with BritRail reserves, carrying one pilot and nine passengers to maximise discomfort. Passenger loading is unchanged, the normal under-wing protrusions inflicting serious lacerations on 71% of boarding passengers, and there was the usual confusion in selecting a door appropriate to the allocated seat. The facility for the clothing of embarking passengers to remove oil slicks from engine cowls during loading has been thoughtfully retained.

Start-up is standard, and taxiing, as in the BN2 is accomplished by brute force. Takeoff calculations called for a 250-decibel power setting, and the rotation force for the (neutral) C of G was calculated at 180 ft/lbs of backpressure. Initial warning of an engine failure during takeoff is provided by a reduction in vibration of the flight instrument panel. Complete seizure of one engine is indicated by the momentary illusion that the engines have suddenly and inexplicably become synchronised. Otherwise, identification of the failed engine is achieved by comparing the vibration levels of the windows on either side of the cabin. (Relative passenger pallor has been found to be an unreliable guide on many BN2 routes because of ethnic consideration).

Shortly after takeoff the XL's chief test pilot, Capt. Mike "Muscles" Mulligan demonstrated the extent to whch modern aeronautical design has left the BN2 untouched; he simulated pilot incapacitation by slumping forward onto the control column, simultaneously applying full right rudder and bleeding from the ears. The XL, like its predecessor, demonstrated total control rigidity and continued undisturbed. Power was then reduced to 249 decibels for cruise, and we carried out some comparisons of actual flight performance with graph predictions. At 5000 ft and ISA, we achieved a vibration amplitude of 500 CPS and 240 decibels, for a fuel flow of 210 lb/hr, making the BN2-XL the most efficient converter of fuel to noise after the Titan rocket. Exploring the Constant noise/Variable noise concepts, we found that in a VNE dive, vibration reached its design maximum at 1000 CPS, at which point the limiting factor is the emulsification of human tissue. The catatonic condition of long-term BN2 pilots is attributed to this syndrome, which commences in the cerebral cortex and spreads outwards. We asked Capt. Mulligan what he considered the outstanding features of the XL. He cupped his hand behind his ear and shouted "WHAT?" We returned to Britten-Norman convinced that the XL model retains the marque's most memorable features, whilst showing some significant and worthwhile regressions. PBN are not, however, resting on their laurels. Plans are already advanced for the Trislander XL and noise tunnel testing has commenced. The basis of preliminary design and performance specifications is that lift increases as the square of the noise, and as the principle of acoustic lift is further developed, a later five-engined vertical take-off model is also a possibility."

 

[sky37d]

from days long ago
When I was full of adrenalin, and smarter than I should have been. In numerical order

C-47. The static line was longer than normal, so it was count 6 and check canopy. Also, go out the door head first, instead of just jumping out, lest you encounter the horizontal stabilizer

C-119. The jump doors are located in the tailcone. 2 people exiting at exactly the same time are guaranteed to meet mid-air at the rear of the airplane. Leave a 1/2 second after the guy on the other side, and his 'chute will open in your face. Good heater system, nice open floor. Which leads to my most memorable ride. We were in TX, and we needed to jump someplace. We had reserve pilots who needed practice. It was a chilly November morning. We all lined up way early, rode the truck over, stood around, got on the plane. They closed the doors, cranked up then engines and heaters, and headed out for some 'countour' flying before droping us off. It was the day after payday, and everyone had tied one on the night before. We made a pass over the DZ to unload barf bags, then got to drop in. the DZ had been a cow pasture an hour before we arrived. Real small, 1 tree, barbed wire. Change your clothes after landing.

C-124. The Globemaster was the noisiest airplane I ever flew in. It was also incredibly big. The call out was 'everyone upstairs, downstairs. everyone downstairs, outside'. If you were upstairs, you were running by the time you were hooking up the static line, and headed for the door. It also did not have an effective static line retrieval system, relying on the jumpmasters to reel the static lines it. Unfortunately, it was also the only airplane I am aware of where they had to foam the runway and land because a 'chute did not release from the static line.

C-123. The most benevolent plane to jump from. By the time the 123 came along, the web seats were almost comfortable. Most had rollers in the floor, which caused some anxiety when you were running for the door.

C-130. The forked nose model.
If the fork caught the rope just right, you were in for the ride of your life. If it didn't, you were still in for the ride of your life, just a real short one. When they first demonstrated it for us, General Stillwell got the short ride. It tossed him 75 feet. Quite a sight. He got up, brushed himself off, and did it again.

 

[sabreliner]

Got a couple to add for the E120-

The T-handle on the DV-Windows. Pretty good gouge in the head if you left it turned out. Acutally killed one of our Captains in an accident a while back. Always checked that one...

The jumpseat the folded down and became a step. Most of our no longer latched and would therefore move when you stepped on them.

Those drooping gear doors when someone decided to turn on a hyd pump.

Those horrible crew seats!!!!

On the CRJ and the Dash 8 -

The "cherry picker" - the manual pressurization control knob that catched the f/o's head just right...

 

[Typhoon1244]

CRJ-200:

Left thrust reverser arming switch: guaranteed to rip the seam in the cuff of your rght pant leg when you climb into the Captain's seat.

Cockpit and F/A Jumpseat latches: ideally suited for ripping the back pockets out of your trousers.

Manual pressurization "UP/DN" switch: will give those F/O's the lobotomies they always wanted.

Stick shaker/pusher motor: mounted on the front of the control collumn and barbed with safety wire. Carelessly reach down to adjust the rudder pedals and OUCH!

Wing-tip static dischargers: conveniently mounted at eye-level.

 

[UpNDownGuy]

Funny stuff!!

Dizel8- I split a gut laughing! I've only seen 1 Trislander, and that was my immediate first impression...3 Bonanza's flying in close formation. Thanks for the laugh...

 

[KeroseneSnorter]

Axel,

Your description of the j31 trap.....beautiful!!!!!

LMAO!!!

 

[PUflight]

What about the dreaded pitot tube on Cessna trainers........

 

[KeroseneSnorter]

What about the dreaded pitot tube on Cessna trainers........

Those things are the reason all pilots wear sunglasses isn't it? The real killer was the old fashioned pitot tubes like you find on a 170. Long and thin, Stealth technology designed to be low observability during a pre flight.