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United to cut workforce by 120%

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Trash8Mofo

Kook!
Joined
Oct 23, 2003
Posts
256
United to Cut Workforce 120 Percent

United Airlines will reduce its workforce by an unprecedented 120 percent by the end of 2005, believed to be the first time a major corporation has laid off more employees than it actually has.

United stock soared more than 12 points on the news.

The reduction decision, announced Wednesday, came after a year-long internal review of cost-cutting procedures, said United Chairman Glenn Tilton. The initial report concluded the company would save $1.2 billion by eliminating 20 percent of its 108,000 employees.

From there, said Tilton, "it didn't take a genius to figure out that if we cut 40 percent of our workforce, we'd save $2.4 billion, and if we cut 100 percent of our workforce, we'd save $6 billion. But then we thought, why stop there? Let's cut another 20 percent and save $7 billion.

"We believe in increasing shareholder value, and we believe that by decreasing expenditures, we enhance our competitive cost position and our bottom line," he added.

United plans to achieve the 100 percent internal reduction through layoffs, attrition and early retirement packages. To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-United employees who presently work for other companies.

"We pretty much picked them out of a hat," said Tilton.

Among firms United has picked as "External Reduction Targets," or ERTs, are Quaker Oats, AMR Corporation, parent of American Airlines, Callaway Golf, and Charles Schwab & Co. Tilton's plan presents a "win-win" for the company and ERTs, said Tilton, as any savings by ERTs would be passed on to United, while the ERTs themselves would benefit by the increase in stock price that usually accompanies personnel cutback announcements.

"We're also hoping that since, over the years, we've been really helpful to a lot of companies, they'll do this for us kind of as a favor," said Tilton.

Legally, pink slips sent out by United would have no standing at ERTs unless those companies agreed. While executives at ERTs declined to comment, employees at those companies said they were not inclined to cooperate.

"This is ridiculous. I don't work for United. They can't fire me," said Kaili Blackburn, a flight attendant with American Airlines. Reactions like that, replied Tilton, "are not very sporting."

Inspiration for United's plan came from previous cutback initiatives, said company officials. In January of 1998, for instance, the company announced it would trim 18,000 jobs over two years. However, just a year later, United said it had already reached its quota. "We were quite surprised at the number of employees willing to leave United in such a hurry, and we decided to build on that," Tilton said.

Analysts credited Tilton's short-term vision, noting that the announcement had the desired effect of immediately increasing United share value. However, the long-term ramifications could be detrimental, said Bear Stearns analyst Beldon McInty.

"It's a little early to tell, but by eliminating all its employees, United may jeopardize its market position and could, at least theoretically, cease to exist," said McInty.

Tilton, however, urged patience: "To my knowledge, this has never been done before, so let's just wait and see what happens."

Joe S. Chmuckatelli
SatireWire
February 29, 2005
 
Guy, somebody posted this a few weeks ago.

20 of the pilots slated for recall this Fall have been moved up to Spring to cover the Summer schedule, for a total of 95 coming back this Spring. Great news.
 
Lemme dust my sliderule off.
Just what I suspected......no matter how ya figger, just can't reduce the workforce more than 100%.

Unless they are borrowing people from NWA :)
 
Of course you can. You fire everyone and the pool. The real problem here is the last person thing. Can he technically fire himself or lay himself off or is this technically a resignation.
 
This is Baloney...

"...To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-United employees who presently work for other companies..."

There is no way this is true.

What I heard was that they were going to begin hiring...and when they've hired enough employees so that the total number of employees is 20% greater than they have on property today....they will fire them all.

I mean come on...you expect us to believe they can fire employees from other companies?

How stupid do you think we are?
 
Wow, Einstein responses. How many more posts will it take before everyone reads the whole article and figures it out? Could someone break this down further into quantum math for us?

Hmmm, I wonder if SATIREWIRE is a website that specializes in ironic humor?
 
Jeez, you guys must get really confused by The Onion, too.
 
1-tacan-rule said:
"...To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-United employees who presently work for other companies..."

There is no way this is true.

What I heard was that they were going to begin hiring...and when they've hired enough employees so that the total number of employees is 20% greater than they have on property today....they will fire them all.

I mean come on...you expect us to believe they can fire employees from other companies?

How stupid do you think we are?

You wanna buy some ocean front property in Arizona?
 
1-tacan-rule said:
"...To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-United employees who presently work for other companies..."

There is no way this is true.

What I heard was that they were going to begin hiring...and when they've hired enough employees so that the total number of employees is 20% greater than they have on property today....they will fire them all.

I mean come on...you expect us to believe they can fire employees from other companies?

How stupid do you think we are?

Is it safe to let you near an airplane? :)
 
skykid said:
20 of the pilots slated for recall this Fall have been moved up to Spring to cover the Summer schedule, for a total of 95 coming back this Spring. Great news.



Great news? Based on what my buddies at UAL are telling me, I would rather press on and get a non flying job than go back to work at UAL.
 
Great news? Based on what my buddies at UAL are telling me, I would rather press on and get a non flying job than go back to work at UAL.

Yeah it is great news to be getting jobs back. The great thing about working in this country is you can quit and go work somewhere else if you don't like it. That's what I would tell your buddies.
 
They're starting early, and with private enterprise also. I just saw a hooker carrying hers down Main St. with a distressed look on her face.....
 
1-tacan-rule said:
"...To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-United employees who presently work for other companies..."

There is no way this is true.

What I heard was that they were going to begin hiring...and when they've hired enough employees so that the total number of employees is 20% greater than they have on property today....they will fire them all.

I mean come on...you expect us to believe they can fire employees from other companies?

How stupid do you think we are?

wow...
 
1-tacan-rule said:
"...To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-United employees who presently work for other companies..."

There is no way this is true.

What I heard was that they were going to begin hiring...and when they've hired enough employees so that the total number of employees is 20% greater than they have on property today....they will fire them all.

I mean come on...you expect us to believe they can fire employees from other companies?

How stupid do you think we are?

Here's my take on this post, which is somewhat confirmed by the Flanders' avatar which leads me to believe he has some grasp of irony: His sarcasm is twofold, therby making everybody else who thinks he's an idiot an idiot. A rare case of backdoor sarcasm. Either that or the guy's clueless, in which case he should go to The Onion's website to really be blown away.
 
1-tacan-rule said:
"...To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-United employees who presently work for other companies..."

There is no way this is true.

What I heard was that they were going to begin hiring...and when they've hired enough employees so that the total number of employees is 20% greater than they have on property today....they will fire them all.

I mean come on...you expect us to believe they can fire employees from other companies?

How stupid do you think we are?

Pretty stupid aparently. It was on SatireWire.com. Get it...it was satire...sarcasm...a joke.
 

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