D'oh!
How 'bout an online marriage?
Honored guests ... we are gathered here today in the site of ALPA and this website, to unite these two very disturbed people in an unholy alliance, from which we pray no children shall issue forth.
Do you, Ty Webb, take Becky the Russian to be your lawfully wedded wench, to have and to abuse, in failing and in passing a 1st Class medical, for legacy pre-9/11 pay or for regional wages, forsaking most others, till furlough do you part?
Do you, Becky the Russian, take Ty's non-ALPA membership-have'n, lazy, website argument-start'n @ss to be your old man, to nag and to b!tch, to send to the poorhouse, in failing and in passing a 1st Class medical, for legacy pre-9/11 pay or for regional wages, forsaking most others, till furlough do you part?
May I have the ring. What? This is an o-ring from the oil fitting on a 57 Skyhawk.

Cheap muh fukkas! Anywhoooo ...
With this o-ring ... I thee wed ... yadda yadda yadda ...
By the power invested in me by the Liu Quang Chan Ze and the NC Society of Illustrators ... I now pronounce you ... husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Hey! I said KISS ... not KICK!
Amen ... the end.
Reverend Thich Minh Thong