That danged ALPA magazine cover put me over the top.
A few months back I received word from my LEC that I had gotten one unsolicited vote for LEC Captain’s rep. Either I have some friggin brokebacker out there, or one of my f/o’s got a kick out of my capricious cockpit rants about the state of the airline biz. Well, thanks Mr. Brokebacker. ‘Preciate the thumbs up.
But I don’t want that job.
But I will take Woerth’s job.
Vote for me for Woerth’s job. That’s the one I want. My platform: I have voted "no" on all concessionary contracts and even Contract 2000 because it was ridiculous cronyism inside more “Delta Dot” bully pattern bargaining.
And when I get to Herndon, all hell is going to break lose:
I am going to walk in and fire all the senior vps and executives that have their mustachioed pics on the back of my way too expensive glossy magazine. No more mustaches. I have never trusted dudes in mustaches and I never will. They look old, tired, and stupid. Studies show that they are insecure.
I will fire three quarters of the staff. We don’t need them. We will have three divisions. Safety, Legal, Admin. Safety is number one. It has always been number one. It will always be number one. Nuff said. Yet, I am sick and tired of LAHSO-like blurbs in my glossy magazine. Could care a less.
Here’s what I care about: Starbucks. Yep.
So at Herndon, I am going to have an emergency-there-is-a-new-sheriff-in-town meeting out on the front steps in the sun so we can get a tan and start looking cool. I will have a megafrickin’phone if need be and start laying down da rules.
First. No friggin mustaches.
Second, I am cutting my salary by two thirds. My predecessor didn’t deserve his half a million dollar annual salary, nor do I.
Third. All pilots in ALPA national need to fly a trip twice a month. So get your asses back in the sims and get qualed. This is as mandatory as the “up or out” policy that will also be mandated for all ALPA pilots.
Fourth. I want my legal team to get up here next to me by the steps so that they can hear every word I say. You, the legal team, will pull an all-nighter. Just like some of our ALPA pilots are doing tonight. You will give me a legal memorandum showing all points of law, precedent, case law, rules, regulations, secondary, and tertiary sources and authority that show me proper interpretations of the Railway Labor Act and its progeny.
I want to know where on earth it shows why because of inter-airline systemic management overreach we cannot serve a Section 6 notice representing all ALPA collective bargaining agreements with the sole intention of eliminating the commoditization of our salaries, healthcare, and retirement by base lining these big three in all ALPA contracts.
One wage per ALPA seat per aircraft type, one healthcare plan, and a retirement plan. If it takes National Mediation Board arbitration, so be it.
Fifth. We will have a press conference tomorrow at 0730 in front of the all the press and TV cameras. We will all have Starbucks mocha freakin’ cappuccinos in hand and we will explain our cause.
Sixth. That we are now following the Starbucks model of labor. Coffee is now scarcer than ever before. Starbucks, instead of taking money from the coffee pourers salary to cover their increased costs, increases the price of that venti latte double mocha frappafreakinchino. Das right. The consumer takes the concession, not the laborer. The new ALPA will not give up anymore wage, medical, retiree concessions for the consumer so that they can have new Red Carpet in the clubs or bigger seats for their fat asses because ticket prices are so low that they can afford more Egg McMuffins making them fatter and fatter and the seats and snackboxes bigger and bigger.
If mismanagement mismanages the business during the timeline of a bargaining agreement, like they historically always will in a highly capitalized, low margin business with a highly perishable product, they should not be allowed to take from the laborer to give to the consumer. Nor should they take from the laborer to give to the company. For whatever reason, ever since the Deregulation Act, ALPA-Past has allowed this. Not anymore.
One wage per ALPA seat per aircraft type baby. I will explain to the TV cameras why the airbus first officer seat is the ALPA median seat and should baseline at $130 bucks an hour in 2006 dollars for all ALPA carriers.
So get to work lawyers. On my desk before news conference show time.
Seven. Oh yeah. Secretaries, get your plump overpaid butts out of your chairs and call all MEC reps. They will surround me at the press conference at 0730 with their frappyfrickin’chinos as well. If they are late, their fired. If they have mustaches. They are fired.
Forget talking to Congress. From now on we will only talk to the press and set the facts straight. No more putting out fact fires crisis management bogus BS. All facts come through weekly PRESS conferences. At 0730, with coffee cups and tan, I will explain all sorts of things to the press about the new ALPA including the big three, the proper wage for ALPA pilots taking the risk of negotiating in the FAA system each day, along with the inability to transfer their skill set mid career stream and consequent need to protect it. Along with fatigue and safety issues; along with bankruptcy overreach, along with the aforementioned Starbucks model of labor. Stay tuned. It will be good.
Eight. New ALPA believes in competition-not crisis management lobbyism. Historically, the strongest unions are businesses. ALPA has never done this and pattern bargains. Couple this with the weakness of its white collar cave to concession constituents, it is one of the weakest unions of all time. Therefore, all factors- other than the big three- in a collective bargaining agreement are deemed competitive factors, and distinct and separate.
Each ALPA carrier and LECs can negotiate to their hearts content these items to navigate through the highly competitive airline environment. Go for it. But don’t mess with the Big Three. They only will be negotiated through National. So, for example, if you want to be efficient United pilots, get rid of those overpaid bunkies and get an “up or out” policy. And those leather jackets. Your killing me with the leather jackets. And why did not every pilot sell their claim? What didn’t you see? Never, ever, ever invest in an airline. It’s at best a bet. Come on people. And get rid of that danged Board of Director seat; we are a union, the stench of conflict of interest is ominous. Yet, if that is what you want to stay “competitive” so be it.
In other words, you separate airline councils and pilot groups are welcome to schadenfreude-hoping for the worst of other ALPA pilot brethren- your way like a mother through all other competitive, commoditized, negotiable items in CBA’s, but don’t eff with the big three for any of my ALPA pilots or I will shave more than your mustache.
Nine. I repeat. No more intra-airline negotiating of the Big Three. In toto only baby. Lawyers, pull your all nighter and show me where it says I can’t do this. I repeat, no more pattern bargaining of the big three.
Ten. We believe in competition. Therefore, we will treat ALPA like a business. That is: maximize rate of return for wages, work rules, medical, and retirement is our mandate. Oh yeah, safety as well. Blah. Blah. Blah.
Eleven. I am still pissed at ALPA-past for keeping the retirement multiplier for the A-Plan as a commodity to be negotiated in collective bargaining agreements. Idiots. They should have taken those funds out of the system years ago. Ruined it for the retirees. Those bastids.
Oh yeah, if I see one more mustachioed pilot preflighting a horizontal stab on the cover of that danged magazine, I think I will kill myself (and then some of you get to move up a number).
Welcome one, welcome all. ALPA National President. Vote for me. That’s the job I want.
