The Future of Air Travel.

[AAflyer]

A SIGN OF THINGS TO COME?

Attendant: Welcome aboard Air Canada Sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat-locator fee of $5. It's the
airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear
about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you
like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem (grunts). Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right - you can't stand. You need to sit, and
fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But first I need
that $10.

Passenger: No way.

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal.
And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here -- take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do
for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my air vent doesn't seem to work. Can
you fix it?

Attendant: Your air vent is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the
overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge.
It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? Whatever
will I do with it?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

 

[Sparse]

If Airlines Sold Paint

** Buying paint from a hardware store **

Customer: Hi, how much is your interior flat latex paint in Bone White?

Clerk: We have a medium quality, which is $16 a gallan, and premium,
which is $22 a gallon. How many gallons would you like?

Customer: I'll take five gallons of the medium quality, please.

Clerk: That will be $80 plus tax.



==============================================
** Buying paint from an airline **


Customer: Hi, how much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: Depends on what?

Clerk: Actually a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a
gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. W hen do you
intend to use it?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get the $9
version?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree
to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting
until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check
to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to
you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You
have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It
may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on
any given week. Oh, and by the way, the price just went to $12.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of
times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store
with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the
same thing to happen again, I would suggest that you get on with your
purchase. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should
buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then
don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible
confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: What?

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your
kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting
before you do the bedroom, you will violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it mater to your whether I use all the paint?
I already paid for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it
is. We make plans upon the idea that you will use all the paint, and
when you don't, it just causes us all kinds of problems.

Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if
I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Yes, sir, it will.

Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my
paint.

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules.

 

[NuGuy]

No, that's the way it used to be. This is the way it is now:

Patron: I'd like can of paint please, custom matched to this color, with the proper texture, and I'd like it delivered between 3:05pm and 3:07pm.

Paint Store: No problem, that'll be $39.99

Patron: That's OUTRAGOUS, I won't pay it. You guys have too much overhead! You pay your employees too much! I'm going to Wal-mart! It's on sale there for $37.99!

Paint Store: I'm sorry sir.

Patron (now at Wall Mart): I'd like can of paint please, custom matched to this color, with the proper texture, and I'd like it delivered between 3:05pm and 3:07pm.

Wal-Mart: <gales of hysterical laughter>. Um, like, ok dude. They paint is, like, in that isle back there somewhere.

Patron goes to the paint isle...finds only 3 cans left: black, white and one without a label, but they ARE $37.99. Patron leaves in disgust.

Patron calls paint store back, and gets this recording: "Dear patrons of our paint store. After 70 years in business, we've decided to close our doors due to the competitve nature of the new world economy. We appriciate your past patronage, and if you need paint, Wal-Mart by the Interstate has a limited selection."

Patron goes back to Wal-mart, and the only can left is the one without the label. He buys it. After all this, he returns home 6 hours later and the paint turns out to be lavender. But hey, he DID get it for $2 cheaper!

Nu