Squawk sheets . . . or another reason why good English is important to pilots

[bobbysamd]

Reprinted from an e-mail I received today:

Gripe Sheets

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
*********************************************************************************************
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[Snoopy58]

Does Quantas fly with an IFF? Or a target radar?

Maybe that's how they've avoided accidents: peace through superior firepower!

...an oldie but a goodie...

this list left off my favorite, though:

P: seepage on #2 prop
S: seepage on #2 normal

p: props #1, #3, and #4 lack normal seepage!

Cheers!

 

[Vladimir Lenin]

welcome to three years ago, and almost every month since then

 

[A Squared]

"welcome to three years ago, and almost every month since then"

Oh, it's been around much, much longer thn 3 years. I first saw it back when it was about a 99th gerneration xerox copy, back before e-mail became the preferred method for crculating this stuff. I see they're still misspelling QANTAS. Some things never change

 

[KnowledgeSeeker]

Ahhh...now that i see you have the correct spelling how about a little trivia...what does Qantas stand for??

 

[Brother Francis]

Queer (as in "odd", not "gay" for you PC types)...

*Ahem*, as I was saying...

Queer
Australian
Nincompoops
Try
Acting
Studly

 

[ms6073]

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

QANTAS stands for Queensland and Northern Territory Aerial Service. I was under the impression that when an aircraft runs off the end of a runway and recieves "substantial damage" (FAR PArt 830.2 Definitions - Aricraft Accident) that this counts as an accident.

I seem to recall that Qantas had an accident at Bangkok - International (Don Muang) (BKK / VTBD) in September of 1999: VH-OJH Skidded of the end of runway

I think Qantas is now in the same category as SouthWest in that the airline has never had a fatal accident!

Michael