Dizel8
Douglas metal
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Flight crew layover passes without a single sexual encounter, NTSB and FAA investigating
National News
In what industry analysts are calling “a first,” news has leaked that an airline crew has completed an overnight layover without a single flight attendant being ravaged.
According to the information, which will appear in an NTSB preliminary report scheduled for release later today, last week an AirTran flight attendant lodged an official complaint with authorities about First Officer Bryce Boikens. In her written statement, the flight attendant claims that Boikens refused her invitation to join her in her hotel room for, as she put it, “a little somethin’ somethin’.” A National Transportation Go Team rushed to the scene at the airport Marriott in Buffalo and cordoned off the entire fourth floor.
The flight attendant had at first propositioned the captain, as is customary; however, he had spilled his Starbucks on his lap during the last flight and was, understandably, out of service.
Pilots and flight attendants spend numerous hours unsupervised at airport hotels on layover, with easy access to booze and easier access to each other. While “bottle to throttle” rules backed by the threat of random alcohol testing often succeed in moderating alcohol consumption, no such enforceable regulations govern intra-crew rutting. *****Making for even more fertile fornicating grounds, many flight crew members are gay or bi-curious.
Further, flight attendants frequently take the job in hopes of landing a pilot-husband, while many pilots take the job because they couldn’t get laid otherwise. It’s a marriage of convenience that has served the industry, and the flying public, well since the 1950's.
However, Bryce Boikens’ alleged abstinence clouds that picture, upsetting an entrenched social dynamic that has airline crews up in arms. Reaction to the news, as expected, has been strong.
“Shocking,” said airline industry blogger and former Pan Am pilot, Mark Lowenbrau. “Back in my day, you’d burn through half your pay at hotel bars on layover. There was nothing more sure than an intoxicated flight attendant – except maybe an intoxicated Jersey S************************* girl, like the weird one, what’s her name? Snoopy? Anyway, something must be wrong with this guy. He’s a disgrace, and should have his wings removed.”
Jim Jackson, a fellow AirTran pilot was less diplomatic. “This little dip**** needs to have his d*** cut off and donated to someone who’ll actually make use of it. To have our nuts kicked by one of our own like this? Well, that sucks. It sucks big donkey d****. He’s screwing it up for the rest of us. That little f***er ought to be dipped in boiling oil.”
Adding insult to injury, Boikens’ union has refused to represent him in any disciplinary action taken by the company. A representative from Air Line Pilots Association stated that the union “has no use for a pathologically shy pansy.”
Boikens’ flight attendant co-workers aren’t surprised. One in particular recalls working with Boikens last fall. “Doesn’t surprise me,” said Amber Contessa, while dropping coins into the condom vending machine in AirTran’s Atlanta crew room. “We were on layover in Orlando , and I was like, ‘Hey you wanna meet me in the lounge for a few drinks?’ but then he was all like, ‘Do you think they have sweet tea?’ And I was like, ‘Sweet tea!! Sweet tea??’ And he was all, ‘Yeah, I’m a big tea drinker’ and I was all like, ‘Don’t you want something stronger?’ and he was like, ‘No, coffee will keep me up.’ So I was, like, screw it and tracked down the captain. We’re engaged.”
AirTran has said little publicly. “AirTran takes this allegation very seriously and we are reviewing the situation,” said AirTran spokesman, Milton Ford. “But it’s too early to speculate at this point. You never know, a couple of flight attendants may come forward and acknowledge that Mr. Boikens engaged in intercourse with them earlier that evening. We’re still holding out hope.”
Asked about AirTran’s policy for such non-behavior, Ford stated that “we generally would provide a written warning and counseling if it happens in the first year. And maybe have them fly a few turns to Cancun , figuring a few margaritas and badda-bing badda-boom, problem solved. However, we’ve never actually had to enforce the policy, so we’re charting new territory. This is a day we’ve drilled for, done table-tops for, but we’ve always hoped that preparation would be unnecessary.”
In another development, AirTran and Boikens may have regulatory trouble on their hands. The Federal Aviation Association has caught wind of Mr. Boikens’ alleged chastity, and has initiated a full-blown investigation into AirTran’s hiring policy and crew standards generally, and Mr. Boiken’s conduct specifically.
“This is unprecedented,” said FAA program manager, Fanny Lasko. “You really have to question the mental stability of a pilot who allows a layover to pass without a single sexual encounter among the crew. This was a time when Mr. Boiken needed to step up and engage in some selfless crew resource management, not a time to shirk his duties. It’s damned near impossible, what happened really; like jumping into the ocean and not getting wet.”
When asked what action the FAA might take, Lasko said “First, we’ll investigate to determine the safety issues that might arise from a pilot so warped as to remain celibate on an overnight, despite a smorgasbord of options. Depending on what we find out, we’ll either revoke his license or send him to a bachelor party to loosen him up. As for the airline, we’ll do a top-down review of its crews to see if this is a wide-spread problem, or instead just a unique case of a strangely frigid flyboy. Usually, we can find that out by examining the maternity leave rate of their flight attendant group.”
When reached for comment, Boikens sounded chastened and remorseful. “I know I shouldn’t be commenting during an investigation, but I feel I owe people an explanation. I just don’t know what I was thinking. I haven’t been this confused since Senior Prom when my date wanted me to check in at one of those power-by-the-hour motels but I bailed on her so I could go home and play Madden. "
Flight crew layover passes without a single sexual encounter, NTSB and FAA investigating
National News
In what industry analysts are calling “a first,” news has leaked that an airline crew has completed an overnight layover without a single flight attendant being ravaged.
According to the information, which will appear in an NTSB preliminary report scheduled for release later today, last week an AirTran flight attendant lodged an official complaint with authorities about First Officer Bryce Boikens. In her written statement, the flight attendant claims that Boikens refused her invitation to join her in her hotel room for, as she put it, “a little somethin’ somethin’.” A National Transportation Go Team rushed to the scene at the airport Marriott in Buffalo and cordoned off the entire fourth floor.
The flight attendant had at first propositioned the captain, as is customary; however, he had spilled his Starbucks on his lap during the last flight and was, understandably, out of service.
Pilots and flight attendants spend numerous hours unsupervised at airport hotels on layover, with easy access to booze and easier access to each other. While “bottle to throttle” rules backed by the threat of random alcohol testing often succeed in moderating alcohol consumption, no such enforceable regulations govern intra-crew rutting. *****Making for even more fertile fornicating grounds, many flight crew members are gay or bi-curious.
Further, flight attendants frequently take the job in hopes of landing a pilot-husband, while many pilots take the job because they couldn’t get laid otherwise. It’s a marriage of convenience that has served the industry, and the flying public, well since the 1950's.
However, Bryce Boikens’ alleged abstinence clouds that picture, upsetting an entrenched social dynamic that has airline crews up in arms. Reaction to the news, as expected, has been strong.
“Shocking,” said airline industry blogger and former Pan Am pilot, Mark Lowenbrau. “Back in my day, you’d burn through half your pay at hotel bars on layover. There was nothing more sure than an intoxicated flight attendant – except maybe an intoxicated Jersey S************************* girl, like the weird one, what’s her name? Snoopy? Anyway, something must be wrong with this guy. He’s a disgrace, and should have his wings removed.”
Jim Jackson, a fellow AirTran pilot was less diplomatic. “This little dip**** needs to have his d*** cut off and donated to someone who’ll actually make use of it. To have our nuts kicked by one of our own like this? Well, that sucks. It sucks big donkey d****. He’s screwing it up for the rest of us. That little f***er ought to be dipped in boiling oil.”
Adding insult to injury, Boikens’ union has refused to represent him in any disciplinary action taken by the company. A representative from Air Line Pilots Association stated that the union “has no use for a pathologically shy pansy.”
Boikens’ flight attendant co-workers aren’t surprised. One in particular recalls working with Boikens last fall. “Doesn’t surprise me,” said Amber Contessa, while dropping coins into the condom vending machine in AirTran’s Atlanta crew room. “We were on layover in Orlando , and I was like, ‘Hey you wanna meet me in the lounge for a few drinks?’ but then he was all like, ‘Do you think they have sweet tea?’ And I was like, ‘Sweet tea!! Sweet tea??’ And he was all, ‘Yeah, I’m a big tea drinker’ and I was all like, ‘Don’t you want something stronger?’ and he was like, ‘No, coffee will keep me up.’ So I was, like, screw it and tracked down the captain. We’re engaged.”
AirTran has said little publicly. “AirTran takes this allegation very seriously and we are reviewing the situation,” said AirTran spokesman, Milton Ford. “But it’s too early to speculate at this point. You never know, a couple of flight attendants may come forward and acknowledge that Mr. Boikens engaged in intercourse with them earlier that evening. We’re still holding out hope.”
Asked about AirTran’s policy for such non-behavior, Ford stated that “we generally would provide a written warning and counseling if it happens in the first year. And maybe have them fly a few turns to Cancun , figuring a few margaritas and badda-bing badda-boom, problem solved. However, we’ve never actually had to enforce the policy, so we’re charting new territory. This is a day we’ve drilled for, done table-tops for, but we’ve always hoped that preparation would be unnecessary.”
In another development, AirTran and Boikens may have regulatory trouble on their hands. The Federal Aviation Association has caught wind of Mr. Boikens’ alleged chastity, and has initiated a full-blown investigation into AirTran’s hiring policy and crew standards generally, and Mr. Boiken’s conduct specifically.
“This is unprecedented,” said FAA program manager, Fanny Lasko. “You really have to question the mental stability of a pilot who allows a layover to pass without a single sexual encounter among the crew. This was a time when Mr. Boiken needed to step up and engage in some selfless crew resource management, not a time to shirk his duties. It’s damned near impossible, what happened really; like jumping into the ocean and not getting wet.”
When asked what action the FAA might take, Lasko said “First, we’ll investigate to determine the safety issues that might arise from a pilot so warped as to remain celibate on an overnight, despite a smorgasbord of options. Depending on what we find out, we’ll either revoke his license or send him to a bachelor party to loosen him up. As for the airline, we’ll do a top-down review of its crews to see if this is a wide-spread problem, or instead just a unique case of a strangely frigid flyboy. Usually, we can find that out by examining the maternity leave rate of their flight attendant group.”
When reached for comment, Boikens sounded chastened and remorseful. “I know I shouldn’t be commenting during an investigation, but I feel I owe people an explanation. I just don’t know what I was thinking. I haven’t been this confused since Senior Prom when my date wanted me to check in at one of those power-by-the-hour motels but I bailed on her so I could go home and play Madden. "
