The following article came from the Wall Street Journal. Great humor, it really cracked me up. I especially liked the last line:
Now the Airline Industry's Woes
Reach All the Way to North Pole
by Scott McCartney Wall Street Journal
Christmas is going to be slower and lighter this year, and not because Wal-Mart said sales have been below expectations. No, Santa is having transportation problems.
North Pole Airlines is still struggling in the new economy, battling cheaper providers like FedEx and that low-cost plain brown carrier. Cutbacks by the airline have taken a toll on old St. Nick, and he's protesting for better conditions next year.
For starters, Mr. C's sled has been downsized to a new "regional sled." Easier to get in and out of small houses, North Pole said, and better aligned with the size of Santa's sack these days. NP Air says it can provide better service if Santa makes shorter, more frequent trips in the RS. Besides, with the economy the way it is, Santa's old sleigh was going out with empty cubic inches.
But Santa says the new sled is much noisier, not as roomy, and his belly doesn't exactly fit down the center aisle. It also doesn't fly quite as fast as the old sleigh, and that's a big problem when you've got to get around the world in one night. Santa looked into switching to Southpole Airlines, that big discount carrier with a zany chairman, Yukon Kelleher. But Southpole said he'd have to buy two seats in the sleigh because Santa is so jolly around the middle.
Santa suspects the lack of sleigh velocity at NP Air may also have something to do with the labor trouble North Pole is having with its reindeer. Recently Capt. Rudolph, president of the Management Executive Council at the Association of Professional Reindeer, delivered the sad news that the reindeer at North Pole no longer had any confidence in the chief executive, Frosty Snowman, who had received a large bonus and pension protections even as he asked the reindeer and elves for pay cuts. The last straw was when Mr. Snowman asked for more productivity. "You want us to work every Christmas?" Rudolph asked, shaking his head in bewilderment.
Santa also has been subjected to new security screening established by the Department of North Pole Security and its head, Sec. Ebeneezer Friskem. Everything in his pack has to be repeatedly examined every time he reloads the sleigh, and in the cold of the North Pole ice, Santa has to suffer the indignity of taking off his big black boots.
"What is this?" a security scrooge barked at St. Nick.
"A candy cane," Santa said.
"No candy canes. Candy canes can be licked until they have sharp points."
Onboard the regional sleigh, things just aren't the same for Mrs. Claus, either. She likes to needlepoint, but she can't use her scissors. And the new sleigh doesn't have ashtrays in the armrests for her gum wrappers. Santa asked North Pole to put ashtrays back on the sleigh, but the line said it would be too expensive to have sleigh cleaners clean them out after every Christmas.
The food service on the sleigh has gone down the snowy slope, too. Santa was offered a slow-braised brisket sandwich and vegetable chips for $9.99. Amazingly, Santa had cash. He asked for a knife to cut the sandwich in half and was handed a spoon.
"Why can't there be knives on my sleigh?" he asked with a deep scowl.
"Because you might use it to get control of the sleigh," a North Pole Airlines customer-service representative explained.
"Do you know who drives the sleigh?" Santa protested.
Nothing doing. And the sandwich tasted like Spam.
Santa is also upset that North Pole has made it harder for him to qualify for elite status in its frequent-flier program. Imagine that -- Santa is the airline's main customer, yet the airline wants him to fly more if he is to get special treatment.
"This guy flies only once a year. We have to reward the customers who deliver the most revenue to us," Mr. Snowman said. "FedEx doesn't even have first class. We're competing with trucks."
Mr. Snowman did tell Santa things will be better next year. To become more efficient, NP Air has a plan to form two new low-cost sleighs-within-a-sleigh that would offer Santa no-frills trips on repainted sleighs. One will be called Snow, the other will be called Bob.
Santa wasn't sure that was progress, but he took it all in stride, being the good-natured soul that he is. He loaded up the sleigh, gave the reindeers extra carrots and smiled when he looked at his itinerary. There are plenty more hassles, Santa thought, but Christmas will be delivered. He shook hands with Mr. Snowman, smiled and let out a "Ho Ho Ho" as loud as any "Excuse the Cart!" warning you've ever heard.
And we heard him exclaim, as he drove out of view:
Merry Christmas to all
Next year, it's JetBlue.
Now the Airline Industry's Woes
Reach All the Way to North Pole
by Scott McCartney Wall Street Journal
Christmas is going to be slower and lighter this year, and not because Wal-Mart said sales have been below expectations. No, Santa is having transportation problems.
North Pole Airlines is still struggling in the new economy, battling cheaper providers like FedEx and that low-cost plain brown carrier. Cutbacks by the airline have taken a toll on old St. Nick, and he's protesting for better conditions next year.
For starters, Mr. C's sled has been downsized to a new "regional sled." Easier to get in and out of small houses, North Pole said, and better aligned with the size of Santa's sack these days. NP Air says it can provide better service if Santa makes shorter, more frequent trips in the RS. Besides, with the economy the way it is, Santa's old sleigh was going out with empty cubic inches.
But Santa says the new sled is much noisier, not as roomy, and his belly doesn't exactly fit down the center aisle. It also doesn't fly quite as fast as the old sleigh, and that's a big problem when you've got to get around the world in one night. Santa looked into switching to Southpole Airlines, that big discount carrier with a zany chairman, Yukon Kelleher. But Southpole said he'd have to buy two seats in the sleigh because Santa is so jolly around the middle.
Santa suspects the lack of sleigh velocity at NP Air may also have something to do with the labor trouble North Pole is having with its reindeer. Recently Capt. Rudolph, president of the Management Executive Council at the Association of Professional Reindeer, delivered the sad news that the reindeer at North Pole no longer had any confidence in the chief executive, Frosty Snowman, who had received a large bonus and pension protections even as he asked the reindeer and elves for pay cuts. The last straw was when Mr. Snowman asked for more productivity. "You want us to work every Christmas?" Rudolph asked, shaking his head in bewilderment.
Santa also has been subjected to new security screening established by the Department of North Pole Security and its head, Sec. Ebeneezer Friskem. Everything in his pack has to be repeatedly examined every time he reloads the sleigh, and in the cold of the North Pole ice, Santa has to suffer the indignity of taking off his big black boots.
"What is this?" a security scrooge barked at St. Nick.
"A candy cane," Santa said.
"No candy canes. Candy canes can be licked until they have sharp points."
Onboard the regional sleigh, things just aren't the same for Mrs. Claus, either. She likes to needlepoint, but she can't use her scissors. And the new sleigh doesn't have ashtrays in the armrests for her gum wrappers. Santa asked North Pole to put ashtrays back on the sleigh, but the line said it would be too expensive to have sleigh cleaners clean them out after every Christmas.
The food service on the sleigh has gone down the snowy slope, too. Santa was offered a slow-braised brisket sandwich and vegetable chips for $9.99. Amazingly, Santa had cash. He asked for a knife to cut the sandwich in half and was handed a spoon.
"Why can't there be knives on my sleigh?" he asked with a deep scowl.
"Because you might use it to get control of the sleigh," a North Pole Airlines customer-service representative explained.
"Do you know who drives the sleigh?" Santa protested.
Nothing doing. And the sandwich tasted like Spam.
Santa is also upset that North Pole has made it harder for him to qualify for elite status in its frequent-flier program. Imagine that -- Santa is the airline's main customer, yet the airline wants him to fly more if he is to get special treatment.
"This guy flies only once a year. We have to reward the customers who deliver the most revenue to us," Mr. Snowman said. "FedEx doesn't even have first class. We're competing with trucks."
Mr. Snowman did tell Santa things will be better next year. To become more efficient, NP Air has a plan to form two new low-cost sleighs-within-a-sleigh that would offer Santa no-frills trips on repainted sleighs. One will be called Snow, the other will be called Bob.
Santa wasn't sure that was progress, but he took it all in stride, being the good-natured soul that he is. He loaded up the sleigh, gave the reindeers extra carrots and smiled when he looked at his itinerary. There are plenty more hassles, Santa thought, but Christmas will be delivered. He shook hands with Mr. Snowman, smiled and let out a "Ho Ho Ho" as loud as any "Excuse the Cart!" warning you've ever heard.
And we heard him exclaim, as he drove out of view:
Merry Christmas to all
Next year, it's JetBlue.
