Joe Jet Pilot
Well-known member
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2001
- Posts
- 139
A friend sent me this.
THE INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from Boston:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED**, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED**-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric inferno flames. I pooped myself when I farted, and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel
my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to
match my **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Oops!! Did I just say that out loud??
THE INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from Boston:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED**, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED**-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric inferno flames. I pooped myself when I farted, and I'm worried
it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel
my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to
match my **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Oops!! Did I just say that out loud??
