Travel Warning for France
Travel Guidelines for American Tourists
The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the
Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very
expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is
intended as a guide for American travelers only.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not
nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and
with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre
and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are
champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent
Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is
that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will
speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your
change at all times.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and
smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed,
and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people
are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and
undisciplined; and those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess
it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and
they kiss each other when they hand out medals.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear
baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised
that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the
French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary
shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball
scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on
much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has
been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to
flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other
important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots,
Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle,
who was President for many years and is now an airport.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,
departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages,
cafes, booths, and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are
either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted,
frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic
bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone
complains.
According to the most current State Department intelligence, the
President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not
available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever
made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude
scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is
just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand,
are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce
this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to
cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's
in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If
they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on
strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are
wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne,
high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack
aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
