Hey guys, I got the inside scoop of what the training and policy will consist of. Here goes:
(All planes will also have a copy of Augie Oregano's HHH Guide to the USA (Hot Spots, High Life and Hos) so that we can give proper entertainment tips as any Concierge worth his salt should be able to do!).
- Shoe shine kits will be carried on each airplane. We will learn to engage the owner with light banter as we shine away (Yessuh! And a mighty fine day it is too! Yessuh!).
- There will be a violin aboard each plane. Crewmembers will be required to log on to the pilot website and complete Claude Balls' Learn to Play The Violin in 10 Easy Steps. Guidelines will call for pilots to set the mood with the appropriate music as the owners arrive:
Running late & owner in a hurry: Flight of The Bumblebee (as the other pilot hurredly loads the 15 bags).
Owner bitching about the 8th dis-service in a row: a slow, sad dirge.
Airplane is broke: That "Dum Dum Dum Duumm; Dum Dum Dum Duuummm" tragic ditty.
Everything all f-ed up: just pass the bow back and forth making screeching and scratching sounds. Another option here is playing the Vonage commercial ditty (People do Stupid Things) while singing the "Yoo Hoo Yoo Hoo Hoo" part.
(Pre-owned aircraft will be equipped with an accordion instead of violin).
Owner bitching about the 8th dis-service in a row: a slow, sad dirge.
Airplane is broke: That "Dum Dum Dum Duumm; Dum Dum Dum Duuummm" tragic ditty.
Everything all f-ed up: just pass the bow back and forth making screeching and scratching sounds. Another option here is playing the Vonage commercial ditty (People do Stupid Things) while singing the "Yoo Hoo Yoo Hoo Hoo" part.
(Pre-owned aircraft will be equipped with an accordion instead of violin).
- Owners will be properly announced as they arrive planeside (by the crewmember with the best English Butler accent):
"Mr. & Mrs. Poobah-Jones of Greenwich; king of the off-shore tax shelter!"
"Morty and Sadie Slimwiener of Palm Beach; inventor of the sweatless shoe insole!"
"Richard Farfegnugen of Toledo; not rich at all but flying on his father-in-law's dime!".
"Morty and Sadie Slimwiener of Palm Beach; inventor of the sweatless shoe insole!"
"Richard Farfegnugen of Toledo; not rich at all but flying on his father-in-law's dime!".
- We will be indoctrinated to the finer points of planeside etiquette as outlined in Letitia Baldridges Finer Points of Planeside Etiquette book. Some pointers include:
The proper high-society method of flicking a booger (pinky out, other hand on hip, one strong flick.)
The proper response should said booger land on owner's shoe (clean hanky only, pick lightly so as to not smear the booger on the shoe).
How to inform owner that his fly is open without embarrassing him by drawing attention (Ahem, sir. It seems there might be a bit of a draft in the bat cave today! (wink wink)).
The proper method of cleaning the owner's car windshield (chamois cloth only, no greasy rag, no putting hand into open driver window as a request for renumeration).
How to mask a burp while speaking as you pass gas, so to make it sound as if you normally speak that way (Hello Sir) - think Froggy from the Little Rascals.
These are only some of the gems we will be taught, so as not to appear as un-refined boobs as we go about our daily activities.The proper response should said booger land on owner's shoe (clean hanky only, pick lightly so as to not smear the booger on the shoe).
How to inform owner that his fly is open without embarrassing him by drawing attention (Ahem, sir. It seems there might be a bit of a draft in the bat cave today! (wink wink)).
The proper method of cleaning the owner's car windshield (chamois cloth only, no greasy rag, no putting hand into open driver window as a request for renumeration).
How to mask a burp while speaking as you pass gas, so to make it sound as if you normally speak that way (Hello Sir) - think Froggy from the Little Rascals.
(All planes will also have a copy of Augie Oregano's HHH Guide to the USA (Hot Spots, High Life and Hos) so that we can give proper entertainment tips as any Concierge worth his salt should be able to do!).
