First Contact, no not the movie!

[urflyingme?!]

Hey guys,
I got yet another question for you "employed" types.
What's the best way to get in touch with an employer after you see/hear/smell a job in the air?

Any strange ways? Coole ways? NEVER EVER TRY THIS ways?
Just curious how some of you guys did it....

Thanks

 

[KeroseneSnorter]

Lessee, first order of business is to try to find a picture of the man in charge in bed with a goat.....always good to get your resume moved closer to the top of the stack. However in the competitive nature of todays market, other measures may be required to facilitate quick action. Perhaps you could instigate an extramarital affair for the head honcho, just dig out your black book from college.....never ever lose the number to a "sporting woman" just because you are married with kids and don't fool around anymore. She can probably be talked into trapping your potential employer for a few bucks. Then make sure you are there to capture said indescretion on camera. A good quality digital camera is always nice for those easily downloadable images to your new employers E-mail address....however if you can cough up a few more bucks for the upgrade, nothing screams "Large alimoney settlement" like a nice good quality video shot with a telephoto lens.

And presto.......nice fat new job in a shiney airplane.

Of course, if these measures are too extreame for you, or you are one of those "Girley men" and don't want to risk arrest, lawsuits and possible bodily injury, you could always just pick out a nice suit, print up a good quality resume and go down and talk to the guy..........not as exilerating as the method above, but can have positive results.

DISCLAIMER: Kerosene Snorter is not responsible for legal and or bodily injury resulting from using his "Goat Employment Program" Some restrictions apply, your results may vary, Copyright 2005 KSGEP, all rights reserved. For additional help with employment and or competitive events, may we suggest the T Harding school of opponent neutralization........currently supplying a free baseball bat with every new program enrollment.

 

[Gearmunky]

Lessee, first order of business is to try to find a picture of the man in charge in bed with a goat.....always good to get your resume moved closer to the top of the stack. However in the competitive nature of todays market, other measures may be required to facilitate quick action. Perhaps you could instigate an extramarital affair for the head honcho, just dig out your black book from college.....never ever lose the number to a "sporting woman" just because you are married with kids and don't fool around anymore. She can probably be talked into trapping your potential employer for a few bucks. Then make sure you are there to capture said indescretion on camera. A good quality digital camera is always nice for those easily downloadable images to your new employers E-mail address....however if you can cough up a few more bucks for the upgrade, nothing screams "Large alimoney settlement" like a nice good quality video shot with a telephoto lens.

And presto.......nice fat new job in a shiney airplane.


DISCLAIMER: Kerosene Snorter is not responsible for legal and or bodily injury resulting from using his "Goat Employment Program" Some restrictions apply, your results may vary, Copyright 2005 KSGEP, all rights reserved. For additional help with employment and or competitive events, may we suggest the T Harding school of opponent neutralization........currently supplying a free baseball bat with every new program enrollment.

LMMFAO!!!!!!

 

[urflyingme?!]

HAHAHA
Whats the nice suit equivalent if youlive 2000 miles away!

 

[KeroseneSnorter]

HAHAHA
Whats the nice suit equivalent if youlive 2000 miles away!

Oh! A long distance job oppertunity. Well in that case we have several Deluxe package programs to help you in your quest for that new job.

First off, a key element in the Discount package is the use of a personal "sporting woman" of your own, however unless you used to live in the city that your new job is in, it is doubtful that you managed to nab a suitably loose woman from such a distance while in college. So we are affiliated with a service that can provide you a "Sporting Woman" on site. We will put you in contact with "Intercontenental Nad Grabbers Unlimited"tm They are a very reputable traveling whor.........um.....Escort service that specializes in obtaining quality photos and evidence of persons of prestige in compromising situations. I believe they are currently running a special on their "Bill Clinton" package, although for your purposes I don't think I would waste the extra money on the DNA evidence add on....after all, who really needs a permanent stain, when all you are looking for is a leg (or thigh)up on the competition.

Second is the matter of how a fellow of your unemployed and limited means will aquire transport to such a distant location? Well sir you are in luck, because we here at KSGEPtm value our customers and do what it takes to land you that dream job!!!! Due to the founders extensive traveling while working for various 121 carriers around this great nation, we have compiled a list of locations to obtain transport to your job interview. First is the single guys package: Which is by the way the luxury package. We will provide you with the address of the nearest Flight Attendant watering hole in your area, and give you a few key phrases that will ensure that you snare an F/A in record time and be traveling on her buddy passes post haste!!! If you are just looking for speed and economy, we offer the "Senior F/A Package" by providing you with a list of grazing areas (Buffets etc) that will allow you a speedy pick up of an aged "Stewardess of the sky" NOTE: KSGEP is not responsible for bodily injury resulting from a roll in the hay with a wide body F/A. Women job seekers and alternative lifestyle applicants can also be accomodated, although your initial F/A targeting locations will vary with program.

For the married guy we have a seperate package, since we are trying to get you hired.....not divorced!! Your package costs less, and takes more effort on your part but we guarantee that you will make it to your distant locale in time to complete your job extort.......um....interview. We will provide you with a list of how to identify and procure POS Crashpad cars out of airport parking lots all over the country.....Let me tell you, there are at least 3000 prime pieces of crap parked in the nations airports just waiting to be used on your cross country jaunt. Best of all you don't have to buy the gas since no crew member in the country leaves it empty for fear of missing a show time by running out of fuel, plus none of the crashpad cars can be expected to make it more than 200 to 300 miles before a major mechanical failure occurs anyhow, well within full tank range, so we will provide you with a custom route to your destination via parking lot to parking lot so you can trade cars before they run out of fuel or expire in an oily blast of smoke. Best of all, when the crewmember finds that his crashpad car is missing...it is cheaper and easier for him to buy a new POS than it is for him to report the old POS missing!!! we call this program "No Guilt Borrowing"tm


But if you want to take the panzy way out, find out as much as you can about the company, make friends with the secretary over the phone and update your resume with them as much as possible. Update enough and it's agood bet that they will call you for an interview just to meet the guy that has been bugging them so much.....or to punch you in the face for burning up 3 fax machines. But at any rate you get some face time!

 

[urflyingme?!]

I see I'm not the only one spending this corporately created commercial love day alone(less male roomates) in a S%%ty podunk town.
Ya, I figure if I keep calling they'll listen, or murder me.

 

[KeroseneSnorter]

I see I'm not the only one spending this corporately created commercial love day alone(less male roomates) in a S%%ty podunk town.
Ya, I figure if I keep calling they'll listen, or murder me.

Actually, I got off easy this year!! My wife is sick as a dog and sleeping on the couch. I figure I saved a bundle in babysitter fees and dinner costs by not having to take her out!! Nyquil and some roses!!!!

Got to be a record for the cheapest V-Day ever for a guy!!! And she isn't even mad at me!!!!!!


Hmmm, as long as she doesn't read this post....I'm golden for this year.

 

[urflyingme?!]

HAHAHAAHHAHA
good times
Hey what's the first thing women lose after they get married?

 

[KeroseneSnorter]

I have a few ideas!!

 

[urflyingme?!]

hahah we'll leave it at that...
( a joke I use on my engaged buddies without respite)