Aircraft Torture Devices!!

[Oh-ryan]

On the P-3:
1) The flight engineer
2) The non-flushing honey bucket toilet. Yup that was a swell idea. Let's design an aircraft that can fly for 10+ hours and not give it a flushing toilet. You really feel like a warfighter when you return to the line and have to carry a bag of your own poo off the plane an proceed to find the nearest dumpster to throw it in.

 

[Way2Broke]

8. Jetstream 30 series: Trippus maximus! This one was designed with passenger injury in mind as well as crew!.......beautifully placed wing spar inside the cabin guaranteed to smash somebodys face into the carpet!!!!!

That entire aircraft is a torture device, but it will make a good pilot out of ya.

 

[Princedietrich]

The tiedown rings on the wingstruts of the Cessna singles. I saw a guy split his skull wide open on one of those suckers. He passed out from the blood loss.

I don't have the diamond shaped impression in my forehead, but that particular surface on the C150/C152 is right at neck level on me. It makes a very ideal garrotte, believe me I know.

The Baron entry step and wingwalk surface. In ideal conditions these are perfect to get in and out of the plane, but add just a little bit of icy precipitation or deice fluid and you now have a thrill-ride worthy of Six Flags.

That step on the Chieftain for getting up on the wing to get to the crew door. Ever notice how the flap doesn't have wingwalk on it, and you're not supposed to step on the flap at all? Also notice how you CAN'T SEE that dang step when you're standing on the wing? It's a long way down from that wing if you miss, believe me I know.

Caravans have this lovely little handle that Cessna and the FAA are requiring to be installed. It's right above the frame of the cockpit doors on the inside, and is for the purpose of holding on to while you lean out and tactile check the wing for ice or frost. A little bit of glycol or snow on your hand, and that handle will be awful slippery. Not to mention that it's at the perfect height for a 6 foot plus pilot to whack his skull on it.

The armburner lights in the Learjets are always a good time. I've also determined that Bill Lear was about 4 feet tall when he designed that seat.

The 727 has mesh-covered intake vents on the lower right hull near the main gear. These are intakes for cooling fans, and they are strong enough to suck the hat right off your head. Just hope you don't get your jacket or tie too close to those vents. Also while doing the walkaround be careful about walking under the #3 or #1 engines which are always dripping oil.

Here's one that actually isn't in an airplane, it's the trainer device used for the inflatable escape slides. Those going through training for a carrier that uses these slides have to climb up a metal stairway to which a slide has been attached. An air compressor inflates the slide and you jump off the stairs to slide down onto the gymnasium pads. Well, when you're the lowest seniority in the training class, you have to go first. You also get to find out that whoever inflated the slide didn't inflate it enough. You learn this fact when you go straight DOWN as opposed to sliding down and forward, and you get a nice carpet burn all the way from neck to ankles.

 

[PUNISHER]

Lol

Not exactly a torture device, but then again, it sort of is. For all you younguns, the Islander/Trislander is a strange looking british contraption, of which there were only a select few US operators.

Here is the Islander:
http://www.airliners.net/open.file/150106/M/

And here, tadaaah, is the Trislander
http://www.airliners.net/open.file/132145/M/

"New design - BN2-XL

Undaunted by technical realities, the design team at Pilatus Britten - Norman has announced plans for the BN2-XL, promising more noise, reduced payload, a lower cruise speed, and increased pilot workload.

We spoke to Mr. Fred Gribble, former British Rail boilermaker, and now Chief Project Engineer. Fred was responsible for developing many original and creative design flaws in the service of his former employer, and will be incorporating these in the new BN2-XL technology under a licensing agreement. Fred reassured BN-2 pilots, however, that all fundamental design flaws of the original model had been retained. Further good news is that the XL version is available as a retrofit.

Among the new measures is that of locking the ailerons in the central position, following airborne and simulator tests which showed that whilst pilots of average strength were able to achieve up to 30 degrees of control wheel deflection, this produced no appreciable variation in the net flight of the aircraft. Thus the removal of costly and unnecessary linkages has been possible, and the rudder has been nominated as the primary directional control. In keeping with this new philosophy, but to retain commonality for crews transitioning to the XL, additional resistance to foot pressure has been built in to the rudder pedals to prevent over-controlling in gusty conditions (defined as those in which wind velocity exceeds 3 knots). An outstanding feature of Islander technology has always been the adaptation of the O-540 engine, which mounted in any other aircraft in the free world (except the Trislander) is known for its low vibration levels. The Islander adaptations cause it to shake and batter the airframe, gradually crystallise the main spar, desynchronise the accompanying engine, and simulate the sound of fifty skeletons fornicating in an aluminium dustbin.

PBN will not disclose the technology they applied in preserving this effect in the XL but Mr. Gribble assures us it will be perpetrated in later models and sees it as a strong selling point. "After all, the Concorde makes a lot of noise" he said, "and look how fast that goes." However design documents clandestinely recovered from the PBN shredder have solved a question that has puzzled aerodynamicists and pilots for many years, disclosing that it is actually noise which causes the BN2 to fly. The vibration set up by the engines, and amplified by the airframe, in turn causes the air molecules above the wing to oscillate at atomic frequency, reducing their density and creating lift. This can be demonstrated by sudden closure of the throttles, which causes the aircraft to fall from the sky. As a result, lift is proportional to noise, rather than speed, explaining amongst other things the aircraft's remarkable takeoff performance. In the driver's cab (as Gribble describes it) ergonomic measures will ensure that long-term PBN pilots' deafness does not cause in-flight dozing. Orthopaedic surgeons have designed a cockpit layout and seat to maximise backache, en-route insomnia, chronic irritability and terminal (post-flight) lethargy.

Redesigned "bullworker" elastic aileron cables, now disconnected from the control surfaces, increase pilot workload and fitness. Special noise retention cabin lining is an innovation on the XL, and it is hoped in later models to develop cabin noise to a level which will enable pilots to relate ear-pain directly to engine power, eliminating the need for engine instruments altogether.

We were offered an opportunity to fly the XL at Britten-Norman's development facility, adjacent to the BritRail tearooms at Little Chortling. (The flight was originally to have been conducted at the Pilatus plant but aircraft of BN design are now prohibited from operating in Swiss airspace during avalanche season). For our mission profile, the XL was loaded with coal for a standard 100 nm trip with BritRail reserves, carrying one pilot and nine passengers to maximise discomfort. Passenger loading is unchanged, the normal under-wing protrusions inflicting serious lacerations on 71% of boarding passengers, and there was the usual confusion in selecting a door appropriate to the allocated seat. The facility for the clothing of embarking passengers to remove oil slicks from engine cowls during loading has been thoughtfully retained.

Start-up is standard, and taxiing, as in the BN2 is accomplished by brute force. Takeoff calculations called for a 250-decibel power setting, and the rotation force for the (neutral) C of G was calculated at 180 ft/lbs of backpressure. Initial warning of an engine failure during takeoff is provided by a reduction in vibration of the flight instrument panel. Complete seizure of one engine is indicated by the momentary illusion that the engines have suddenly and inexplicably become synchronised. Otherwise, identification of the failed engine is achieved by comparing the vibration levels of the windows on either side of the cabin. (Relative passenger pallor has been found to be an unreliable guide on many BN2 routes because of ethnic consideration).

Shortly after takeoff the XL's chief test pilot, Capt. Mike "Muscles" Mulligan demonstrated the extent to whch modern aeronautical design has left the BN2 untouched; he simulated pilot incapacitation by slumping forward onto the control column, simultaneously applying full right rudder and bleeding from the ears. The XL, like its predecessor, demonstrated total control rigidity and continued undisturbed. Power was then reduced to 249 decibels for cruise, and we carried out some comparisons of actual flight performance with graph predictions. At 5000 ft and ISA, we achieved a vibration amplitude of 500 CPS and 240 decibels, for a fuel flow of 210 lb/hr, making the BN2-XL the most efficient converter of fuel to noise after the Titan rocket. Exploring the Constant noise/Variable noise concepts, we found that in a VNE dive, vibration reached its design maximum at 1000 CPS, at which point the limiting factor is the emulsification of human tissue. The catatonic condition of long-term BN2 pilots is attributed to this syndrome, which commences in the cerebral cortex and spreads outwards. We asked Capt. Mulligan what he considered the outstanding features of the XL. He cupped his hand behind his ear and shouted "WHAT?" We returned to Britten-Norman convinced that the XL model retains the marque's most memorable features, whilst showing some significant and worthwhile regressions. PBN are not, however, resting on their laurels. Plans are already advanced for the Trislander XL and noise tunnel testing has commenced. The basis of preliminary design and performance specifications is that lift increases as the square of the noise, and as the principle of acoustic lift is further developed, a later five-engined vertical take-off model is also a possibility."

Man that is fricken hilarious, I've been flying on islanders almost my entire life,
You gotta love the STOL capabilities.

 

[unreal]

Light Piper aircraft: DO put the flaps up before trying to maneuver into the left seat. If you don't, you run the risk of never having children if you lose your footing.

 

[Princedietrich]

Light Piper aircraft: DO put the flaps up before trying to maneuver into the left seat. If you don't, you run the risk of never having children if you lose your footing.

Ah yes, been there done that.

 

[Gatorman]

Ok...not the pilot's view, but the mechanic's side.

G1159 (Gulfstreams) making the passage from the aft LAV to the baggage compartment there, it is designed as a pressure bulkhead. Should have a huge sign that says "LOW BRIDGE"!!! Anyone over the height of 5' beware.
The F'n thing put me to my knees last year on a GV.

CL601/601/604 (Challengers) - watch out for the guillotine!! Aft baggage door.

F/A-18 (Hornet) - if you ever get the change to 'dive the intakes' beware of the spine extractor. A set of votrex generators about 6' down the intake on the bottom....slide towards the engine to look at the fan ant they will rip out your spin.

 

[avbug]

As of this last summer, the PZL Dromader with the Garret turbine engine. The place I hit after my engine failure wasn't exactly a prepared surface, and made for an eventful ride. When it was over and the airplane came to a rest in a pile of cedar wood, I looked through the forward windscreen past the smoke coming out of the engine at the Long Ranger hovering with a bucket of water, I realized what it feels like to be a squirrel in a bug zapper. I think my head bounced off every part of that cockpit. Or at least my helmet did.

When the medics arrived and took my blood pressure, they said it was high, and wanted me to go to the hospital. I had too much work to do securing the airplane, so I didn't go, but they got very excited when they saw how high it was. It came down, of course.

I have to add to the list, the garrett TPE-331 engine. That was the second failure in type, the first being a landing back at a diversion airport, this one being a landing right next to where it failed. The third forced landing in type in two years. One fire, five emergency dumps, and a brake failure...all different airplanes, same type, different powerplants, components, systems, different operators. Perhaps not a torture device, but certainly elevates the blood pressure like it was a tae bo workout.

Could have been worse...

 

[Mr Wu]

TV screens on the 757. I'm 6'4" and that rubber guard gets me just at the hairline and whiplashes me every time.

 

[MauleSkinner]

I think my head bounced off every part of that cockpit. Or at least my helmet did.

The only remaining scar my Dad has from his aerial application days is from the inclinometer bolted onto the panel...caught him right below his helmet. Much more visible now that his hairline is receding

Oh...my brother, cousin, and I had just gotten back from taking our Private Pilot written tests and had to help pick the airplane up out of the field.

Fly safe!

David