Aircraft Torture Devices!!

[KeroseneSnorter]

Was just thinking about current and past aircraft and it occured to me that most aircraft have a built in torture device, masterfully designed to give pain repeatedly to the pilots that fly them.

Some that come to mind:

1. Boeing products.......The dreaded knee smasher that boeing calls a trim wheel!

Masterfully designed with a super fast rotation, optimally placed to crush your knee cap. Most effective after a 3 hour leg when your guard is down during approach!!!

2. Dornier 328: An innocent looking, lambskin covered pilot seat with a solid concrete core!!! 6 hours into an 8 hour day and there is no feeling whatsoever in either buttock.......except fot the pain!!! No amount of position changing will relieve your poor posterior!

3. All Citation 500 series: The posturematic! Unless you are of mighty small stature, this creative device slowly transforms you into the hunchback of Notre Dame. Starting with an ache in the small of your back it develops into a full blown spinal reshaping device that takes an army of chiropractors to straighten out! (A close reletive to Learjet's and Mr Mooney's device that they install in their products.) Also the monorail visor.......leaves nice crop rows in your noggin during any kind of mild turbulance!!

4. Pilatus PC-12: The head smasher! Huge cargo door for ease of loading right!!?? With perfectly placed door latching points that leave a large indentation in your skull!!!!

5. Piper products: The stitch master! Discrete overhead door latch with a nice sharp hook to snag your arm as you ingress or egress!!

6. Beechcraft 58 Baron: The non-latching door catch! Cant count how many times the clamshell door crushed a finger because it could not stand up to the prop wash of a passing airplane on a busy ramp. (Mostly affects the creature know as Freightus Doggus, late at night.)

7. The Cessna 300 series: Those nifty retracting steps behind the trailing edge. Perfectly designed to retract when stepped upon in the slightest wrong way!!! Results in a face plant on the ramp or a huge bruise on the shin......either way, most uncomfortable. Not to mention those nice sharp tip tanks......those things need to be listed as a dangerous weapon!

8. Jetstream 30 series: Trippus maximus! This one was designed with passenger injury in mind as well as crew!.......beautifully placed wing spar inside the cabin guaranteed to smash somebodys face into the carpet!!!!!


These few come to mind...I am sure you all can add many more to the list.

Well gotta go let my current back reshaper do its evil deed for today!!!!

 

[bart]

MU2: Takes enormous strength to roll, assisted by a yoke that surely won awards for its poor design...

Lear 20 & 30 series: Guaranteed crick in the neck from leaning to the center away from windshield if over 6 ft.

 

[Axel]

Jetstream 30 series: Trippus maximus! This one was designed with passenger injury in mind as well as crew!.......beautifully placed wing spar inside the cabin guaranteed to smash somebodys face into the carpet!!!!!

With the insidious flashing "caution" light in the ceiling: obstensively designed to call attention to the spar, but it's true purpose is to draw the attention of the prey upward, thereby distracting them from the nefarious trap at their unsuspecting feet.

guaranteed to smash somebodys face into the carpet!!!!!

And wedge them in the aisle between the seats

 

[avbug]

Crew entry door, Sabreliner 60. Best method yet invented to remove a human finger.

Bomb bay in the B-24/PB4Y; no finger way to put fifteen knots in your skull in under six seconds on a turbulent day.

Any single Cessna short of the 208; the crinkle tatoo and scar maker for those whe wear hats (trailing edge of the wing).

The J-3; trapper of those who wear boots with heels.

C-119/C-82, second most efficient remover of fingers for those who screw with the jet door chain drive.

Anything with safety wire.

Anything requiring a sheet metal patch bigger than 2X3.

The pneumatic drill. (through my thumb, two years ago).

Fiberglass.

 

[Dan CFI/CFII]

>Anything with safety wire.

Especially if it's in an inaccessible place and is safetying something filled with fluid of some sort!

>Fiberglass.

No doubt the sharpest material on earth. I can't figure out why they don't make chain saws out of the stuff sometimes

Dan

 

[enigma]

With the insidious flashing "caution" light in the ceiling: obstensively designed to call attention to the spar, but it's true purpose is to draw the attention of the prey upward, thereby distracting them from the nefarious trap at their unsuspecting feet.

Or my favorite, the "Watch Head" placard on the top step of the entryway. Guaranteed to make emplaning pax look down to read it and as they look down they smash the top of their head on the top of the entry doorframe.

The good old sewer rat, What a machine!

enigma

 

[StarChecker]

EMB-145:

The handle to remove the side window...I've seen galaxies worth of stars on several occasions thanks to that nifty little contraption.

Also that official looking mini-step into the cockpit that guarantees you cracking your skull into the doorway.

Also the multiple contusions you can sustain all at once thanks to the perfectly angled circuit-breaker panel.

Oh ya...and those cool looking vortilons....8 more reasons to wear your hat while preflighting.

BE-58:

The step between the baggage doors; very convenient for loading and unloading passengers. Also convenient for banging your shin against at least a dozen times a night when loading and unloading cargo. I still have bumps on my shins from that friggin thing.

 

[mar]

Lobotomizers

On the DC6:

--Feather button guards on the overhead panel: Ouch

--Elbow on rear cargo door actuator: Ouch

--Outboard fuel tanks, 12 foot drop to terra firma, whoops then ouch...

Fly safe?

 

[UpNDownGuy]

Minor thread-jacking ahead...

Avbug: I feel your pain. While going through A&P school years ago, I had the misfortune of being paired with an overly enthusiastic partner. Our assigment was to re-skin part of a Cessna just behind the cockpit. We had got to the riviting, and I was inside on the bucking bar, while my partner ran the rivet gun outside. I was diligently pressing my bucking bar against the inside panel, when my partner made a curious decision. He decided we had "forgot" one rivet that needed placing, so he decided to just drill it out real quick. Without bothering to mention it to me. I noticed what he was doing right away, when I looked down and saw the drill rotating in the exact center of my thumbnail. Big ouchy, let me tell you. New partner, too.


Back on topic:


The pilot seats in a Brasilia were a commisioned work by the Marquis De Sade. A lumbar area that goes in, not out? My back problems started after about 2 years in that device.


The entire cockpit of a MD-11. Everywhere you turn, there is an incredibly sharp corner at the perfect height to get either your shins or knees, or both.

 

[sky37d]

Any single Cessna short of the 208; the crinkle tatoo and scar maker for those whe wear hats (trailing edge of the wing).

I have one of those. Shows up real well when I get a little tan