Real life stories of the TSA

[mar]

It's been awhile since we've had a really good TSA slam session.

I think it's time to smack around everyone's favorite punching bag: The TSA.

Post your true stories of the most useless government agency since the FDA. Extra points for biting sarcastic humor.

Here's mine:

I'm off for an interview. I'm carrying a brown leather attache--the kind that has a flap that folds over the top and buckles in front.

I place the bag in the x-ray (with my jacket, shoes, keys, cell phone, pen, loose change, id badge and lucky rabbit's foot) and go to wait on the other side.

As I go for my shoes I'm approached by one of our uniformed friends. She has my bag and I know she wants to look in it.

"Go ahead," I tell her. My bag only contains logbooks, job applications, notes, my checkbook, certificates, etc.

I'm tying my shoes as she riffles through my bag. She's already made two complete sweeps, front to back, and still hasn't found what she's looking for.

I ask, "What'd'ya see?"

"A piece of metal."

"Really? Well there's only paper in there."

"Yes sir. I'm gonna send it through the x-ray one more time."

Now I watch as she returns to the machine, tells her supervisor she needs to zap my bag again and four TSA Agents of Terror huddle around the screen scratching their heads at what they see. The bag emerges from the other end, is returned to the front of the machine but this time resting on its opposite side and again it's zapped for the third time in 10 minutes.

On this third pass I see the light bulb come on over one of their heads--Embarrassed chuckles from two of them--and the delightful young woman who probably failed the checkride on the french fry frier at McDonalds and is now earning $18/hr protecting me from my own bag is handing it back to me with eyes lowered in obvious embarrassment thanking me for being so patient and to have a nice flight.

Three x-ray passes and four agents to "discover" the buckle on the OUTSIDE of my bag!!!

Epilogue: I didn't pass the interview because the interviewer thought my logbooks were "cooked." Sort of.

 

[T-Gates]

TSA-holes

My favorite is getting wanded by the TSA and every time the thing beeped while he sweeped by my wings, he'd stop, look puzzled and wand by them again. Finally he asked me to remove them and wand me without them. So there I am standing, wingless, beltless, and shoeless in front of paying passengers! I even had one ask to unbutton my epaulets. Gimme a break.

Thanks TSA, we salute you!

--03M

 

[VNugget]

A couple of weeks ago, i was at the maintenence symposium near HWD, and a pilot there told about how when he questioned a screener why he had to stand there with an unbucled belt in front of his passengers, the reply was "so you can't gain control of the airplane."

 

[midlifeflyer]

Better watch out! You'll start sounding like those liberals who don't trust anything the government says or does.

 

[dispatchguy]

I'm going thru 'security' at PHX, when I beep going thru the metal detector. I'm sure the look on my face was sheet aggravation, and although I SAID NOTHING, the checkpoint supervisor comes over to me and tells me that my attitude is unwelcome at his checkpoint - and not with a conversational tone in his voice, but a raised voice as if he was a drill instructor or something.

I DIDNT SAY A D-A-M-N-E-D THING

I hate them all - cant wait til I dont have to deal with those TSA-nazis anymore.

I'll still never forget, walking down terminal 2W at DFW, and one of the TSA guys was wanding an Army dude - the army dude is holding his M16 out to his side, but he was nail clipper free.

 

[mar]

I'm glad they're gone

Hey Dispatch Guy--I must admit I'm glad to have the Guard out of the terminals. Nothing against the Guard--don't take it the wrong way--but it was kinda surreal for me to be waiting in LAX and watching a cute little girl in camouflage order a latte at Starbucks with a machine gun slung over her shoulder. Her back to everyone as she collected her coffee.

I thought, man, one swift kick and some nut job has a new M16!

It just wasn't right.

Hey Mark--Are you the same from propilot who asked me about the tree on Adak a couple years ago?

Who me? Not trust what the govt says or does? Is that just a liberal trait? Sounds awfully Republican as well.

Maybe we're on to something...?
Peace brotha.

 

[chperplt]

I was in DCA a few weeks ago. Go through the machine just fine.. On the other side waiting for my shoes when the now empty machine beeps. The dumb as@ b!tch working grabs me and says I set the machine off. How the he!! could I set the machine off from 5 feet away I ask. She says it has a delay function on it and I set it off.

The happiest day I've had in a long time is when I found out some of them were losing their jobs!!!

 

[midlifeflyer]

I =though= I replied to these before, but I don't see it. So with apologies:

merikeyegro said:
I always thought liberals were fans of big government? How do you think the TSA came about?

I thought it was part of that raving liberal Bush's response to 911.

As far as I can tell, both liberals and conservatives like big federal government. The difference is what they want to do with it.

And

mar said:
Hey Mark--Are you the same from propilot who asked me about the tree on Adak a couple years ago?

Nope. I don't think I ever participated in propilot.

 

[s3jetman]

I am going to be traveling back home soon and i was just wondering if i would get in trouble if i showed up with just my underware on, and carried all my chlothes. I would just walk through the metal dectors and through my bags on the gamma- ray thing. Does any one think i would get in trouble?

I hear ya on the TSA bullS**t . I watched as they dug through this 90year old ladies bag looking for her finger nail file. I had a Sigtronics 4 place intercom system in by bag and a full body back support on with metal all over it and they did'nt even look at me as i strolled right on by. My bag with a ton of wires and buttons in it never got a second look at. Kinda funny what we are protecting our nation from 88 year old ladies with those deadly fingernail files

 

[SpiderMan]

They are nothing but mental midgets.

 

[ms6073]

Re: I'm glad they're gone

I thought, man, one swift kick and some nut job has a new M16!

So you are telling me that you think that they actually issued those soldiers ammunition?

 

[Deftone45075]

Well, if you want to be paranoid:

Cal. .223, or 5.56mm as the military calls it, is very easily available. Anyone can get it, and spare AR-15 magazines. Then they take the loaded mags to the coffee stand, kick the girl, and load the gun, in a split second.

I agree with the " illusion of security statement". For some, it works. But others who intend to harm us will see the illusion and then it does no good.

 

[dispatchguy]

Re: Re: I'm glad they're gone

So you are telling me that you think that they actually issued those soldiers ammunition?

That was always my question when they were around, but I'm sure I never wouldve gotten a straight answer - were their magazines full, or empty...

 

[boeingav8r]

I can remember back in the early 90's when I had a gound job at DFW airport. We had elevator keys that controlled the elevator from the baggage claim area and went straight down to the ramp area. No security to mess with. After parking your car, you could be at your work area (inside security) within 5 minutes! Every now and then, somebody would come to work having forgotten their AOA badge, and would continue working anyway because nobody would bother challenging them. Man have things changed.

 

[katanabob]

Speaking of DFW, I would love it if someone could explain to me (really) the reason we have SIDA/AOA badges here.
If you have one, you wave it in front of the special green light and the TSA examines your airline ID, strip-searches you, then lets you pass. If you don't have one, the TSA examines your airline ID, strip-searches you, then lets you pass.
I guess if you get a rise out of watching the green light come on, then it's worth having a DFW badge.
That halfhour video you have to watch before they'll issue the badge is akin to special ed, too.

And another rant.. I walked around Dallas for three months with an ATL badge and noone batted an eye. I fly a trip through ATL once I get my DFW badge, and some ignorant airport cop wants to have me removed from the ramp for not having an ATL badge.

I don't get it.

 

[Pilotadjuster]

Ammunition

In 1993, I was called up for flood duty with the IL ARNG. When on "looter patrols" our soldiers carried rifles, but we were forbidden to issue ammunition to them. Officers could not even carry ammo for our .45s. "deterrent value" was the answer.

Now, I'm not saying more than a couple of my guys probably had their own ammunition, but the official line was no ammo.

I suspect none of the soldiers at the airport had loaded magazines either, for just the reasons pointed out. Overpower an individual guardsman and you have an automatic weapon inside the airport and plenty of people to shoot at.

Any of them WITH ammo would be easy to spot: I suspect they would have been in at least twos and much more vigilant than the soldier seen at the Starbucks. In addition, they probably would have been MPs, many of whom are police officers in civilian life anyway.

Really a tough mission for the Guard--they don't train for that, unless you have an MP unit, training used to be centered on combat, not airport security.

One of the contingency missions we were assigned (but never trained for) was operating a medium security prison. Thank God the guards never went on strike...

 

[ms6073]

Re: I'm glad they're gone

That was always my question when they were around, but I'm sure I never wouldve gotten a straight answer - were their magazines full, or empty...

In response, I will relate something I observed during Desert Storm...

Sometime around the first of February of 1991, our team visited a forward area Ammunition Supply Point (ASP) that held everything from 5.56 to 155mm, TOW missile and even MLRS rocket pods. As we approached, we noticed that the soldiers of the support unit asssigned to manage/guard the ASP did not have magazines inserted into their weapons. I asked one of the young soldiers why his magazine was not in his weapon? His response - "Sorry sarge, but I was not issued magazines. Even if I was, would'nt matter none anyway - were not allowed to carry live rounds!"

So here we are somewhere inside Kuwait. Artillery rounds were being fired at Iraqi troops off in the distance and I meet a guy from an Army National Guard reserve supply unit who is simply tyring to do his job as best he can while tasked with guarding some pretty lethal stuff in an ASP, but none of the soldiers in his unit is allowed to carry ammunition to defend the site! So you got to ask if the military did not trust these soldiers with live ammunition in a free-fire zone, what makes you think they trusted the same type of soldiers with live ammunition in an airport? I think that everyone here already knows the answer. Short and simple, they were window dressing. The reservists were placed there in order to reassure the flying public that "very stern measures" had been implemented in order to prevent the possibility of future attacks follwing 9/11!

 

[freeflyer14]

A couple of weeks ago, i was at the maintenence symposium near HWD, and a pilot there told about how when he questioned a screener why he had to stand there with an unbucled belt in front of his passengers, the reply was "so you can't gain control of the airplane."

Vnugget that has to be the best one I have heard so far! But all you out there, just try being a skydiver and walking on with a parachute. Its not fun let me tell you. Check it you say? I am not letting a ramp rat toss my 4000 of skydiving stuff around uninsured and I am certainly not going to let them drool all over it and inspect it out of my view. I prefer to have my life dependent piece of equipment near me unless I am at a dropzone. I have horror stories from MCO (which anyone in florida will tell you there is a dropzone a stones throw away in every direction). The scary part is that no one, including TSA so called supervisors, ticket counter employees (Spirit Airlines) knew what to do with the situation. ORD let me through without any hassle whatsoever, the TSA guy even said "skydiver huh? cool" At Orlando, the TSA would not let me through but said if I got a letter from Spirit saying it was ok, they would. So i got the letter, back to screening, new guy, this one says no way its coming through his checkpoint...the badass. SAID WE MIGHT TRY TO GET OUT OF THE AIRPLANE, OPEN THE EMERGENCY EXIT OR SOMETHING. Inner chuckling, but no snide remarks since I figured that the impossibility of that would be like explaining quantum physics to a 3 year old. So new supervisor comes back, "I'm not letting you go through my airport with those". They find the guy who asked us to get the letter before and he lets us go, making the other guys look like morons. Get to terminal, spirit had sent TSA people to find us and tell us they called the captain who said it must be checked. He didn't like the idea of a rig with "moving parts" in the cabin. Oh well, ramp checked it. I left out a ton of the conversation with TSA, it was downright hilarious how freeking stupid they were.

 

[NEDude]

TSA

I was going through security with my flight case a few weeks ago. Well there was something in my case that the TSA folks didn't like. It was X-rayed twice before they said they needed to look inside. So they opened it and found my batteries for my ANR headset. Well I ended up having to explain my need for batteries to a skeptical supervisor who "graciously" let me keep them.


Dumb, Dumb, Dumb.

 

[Drifter]

A lot of the time I go through TSA with a bag filled with film. Since their x-ray machines damage high-speed film, I ALWAYS ask them to hand check it. They know that if you request to have film hand checked, THEY HAVE TO COMPLY. You should see the fuss they put up about it. They are SOOOOOOO inconvenienced by my request every time. (this is my way of getting back at them). I mean honestly.. they strip search my grandama and spend 10 minutes trying to figure out that I have 2 keys in my bag but can't stand it when you tell them what to do. We should all carry bags and bags of film for them to check!!! And don't believe their BS about how the xray deal doesn't ruin film either. After a few scans, it sure does!!!