Random News Headlines

[Boomhauer]

White House adds Dixie Chicks to "Axis of Evil"


NewsHax wire-- Today The Dixie Chicks joined Iran, Iraq, North Korea, and Martin Sheen in "Axis of Evil" status, as White House spokesmen reacted to remarks made by Dixie Chicks singer Natalie Maines during a London concert appearance. Natalie was quoted as saying, "Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas," to which the London audience roared its approval.

Said White House press secretary Ari Fleishman regarding Natalie, lead singer of the popular country trio, "She may have disagreed with us and that is already a big enough offense, but she really crossed the line when she messed with Texas. That didn't sit well with the president, big time. Her Texas visa will be revoked immediately."

Country music fans were outraged and voiced their displeasure of the Dixie Chicks for using the politically pure medium of country music to disseminate political opinions. (more...)

In Bossier City, La., radio station KRMD even organized a "Tribute to American Freedom" publicity event, which consisted of running over Dixie Chick CDs with a tractor. "They have no rights to tell me what to think," said an angry fan interviewed at the radio stations patriotic CD crushing, "So to tell them what I think I came here to destroy their CDs. Hopefully this will learn them about speaking their minds again."

When asked about other country artists using the medium for their political opinions, all the rest of them to name a few, the DJ hosting the event said into the mic for the crowd, "We ain't Hollywood, we got a right to speak our minds over the air, boy!" and then threw beer bottles at the media's feet while telling them to dance, to the great delight of the crowd.

Responding to press conference questions regarding the protest music burnings and CD smashing events happening all over the midwest, Natalie turned to her agent and whispered, "Were the CD's they crushed paid for?" He nodded affirmatively as Natalie quietly smiled to herself.

 

[Boomhauer]

Anthrax Investigators Arrest 12 Fish Found in Drained Maryland Pond

NewsHax wire -- FBI investigators have announced the arrest of 12 suspects following the conclusion of their month long search of Fredericks pond, which was drained to facilitate the search for clues in the still unsolved anthrax case of 2001. Taken into custody after the search were 12 fish, a bicycle, and an old can of Pennzoil, who were arrested for failing to cooperate with investigators routine questioning, and for providing answers that interrogators deemed "a little fishy." None of the suspects were able to explain their presence in the pond or produce a valid ID, leading to their detention as potentially hostile material witnesses in the case.

The fish have steadfastly denied any involvement in the attacks.
(more...)


The FBI began draining the one-acre, 1.45 million gallon pond in the Frederick Municipal Forest, located near Frederick, MD on June 9. Investigators were seeking clues that could lead to an arrest in the nations September, 2001 anthrax attacks, which killed five people and sickened 17 others -all infected by anthrax bacteria sent through the mail- although thousands and perhaps millions remained sickened still by frequent, piercing radio broadcasts of the heavy metal band Anthrax all throughout the 90's.

The pond is of interest because it lies roughly eight miles from the Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases at Fort Detrick, one of the nation’s top anthrax research centers. It is just one of several ponds searched by divers after FBI officials received a tip that a permanent resident of the pond may have witnessed or participated in the disposal of the hazardous substance. The tip came from Steven J. Hatfill, who told authorities that he knows as much about the anthrax killer as "the average fish."

Hatfill has been described by Attorney General John D. Ashcroft as a “person of interest” in the case. His apartment was next to Maryland in nearby Maine, and he was also once seen buying a loaf of bread, a potential source of ingrediants to manufacture the virus.

 

[Boomhauer]

Southerners petition UN to end illegal Yankee occupation


The Southland NewsHax wire -- Buoyed by protesters in Iraq demanding the exit of American forces, Southerners have seized the international ire against US military forces in Iraq and have begun to demand that all "Yankees" also immediately leave the South.

Several dozen Southern Patriots gathered yesterday on a beach in Apalachicola Florida to protest the ongoing occupation of the southern United States.

"It's been **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED**-near 140 years, and the Yankees are still here" said Protester Bob Cobb of Palatka, echoing the sentiments of many others. "They invaded us and installed a puppet government to rule us. We destroyed our weapons and rebuilt our society, we aren't a threat to them anymores but they still ain't left yet. Those Iraqi people and the whole world see's this and that's why they're suspicious." (more...)


Jones Sherman, of Okahumpka, felt that there was a conspiracy involved. "It's the orange juice. That's what it is. The Yankees can't grow oranges past that Mason Dixon Line, so they want ours. Well, them is our oranges. They belong to the people of Florida. No more blood for orange juice! We say no to Yankee imperialism!"

Lorida Pierson, of Wannee, told a harrowing tale of an encounter with Yankees. "Me and Bubba were in our trailer when there was a knock on the screen door. I went to see who it was and it was a Yankee! They was all pale and had on a flowery shirt and a straw hat. I was so scared, but Bubba ran them off."

Loridas boyfriend Bubba also had a prepared statement for the media. "They can have the orange juice, just take it and leave. We're not violent or anything, but we'll be doing some passive resistance. Were not gonna buy products made in the North. Such as ice. It's time for this Yankee occupation to end."

 

[Boomhauer]

FBI drains swimming pool in missing bikini case


WASHINGTON (NewsHax wire) -- The FBI began draining a backyard swimming pool Monday in Chevy Chase, Maryland, searching for evidence in the embarrasing 2001 poolside bikini unstringing, the FBI and a city spokeswoman said.

FBI agents have returned to the pool dozens of times since the event as part of their investigation. According to dozens of eyewitnesses, an unknown assailant pulled the strings of Wanda Breckenridges new string bikini from behind, ruining her previously impeccable reputation.

"Based on extensive environmental testing, there is no threat to public health or safety associated with our search activities," said an FBI statement released Monday. "Reports that our agents are just there for the free swim in the pool and maybe a peek at Wanda are in error." (more...)



Some investigators said they believe the person behind the attacks might have left a residue of a specific brand of suntan oil behind in the pool. All other bathers that day have submitted suntan oil samples for examination, leaving one brand found but unaccounted for. There is also a theory the "string puller" might have left fingerprints on the broken string, which is still believed to rest somewhere under the pool water, and maybe in the pool filter.

Chevy Chase Mayor Bob Wilson and Police Chief Devin Bradley issued a joint statement saying the pool being drained is one of 10 pools searched freqently by divers in the area.

NewsHax has reported that agents found a plastic bucket with holes located in a recessed part of the pool wall that investigators said could accommodate bikini strings.

Investigators also say strange white chemical tablets were recovered and are being examined as possibly the work of a terrorist cell known to be operating in the area. The tablets were witnessed being placed by an unidentified man driving a small white truck carrying many stronge poles and nets and jugs of noxious chemicals, residents are advised to approach any truck bearing this description with extreme caution and to treat any occupants with great suspicion.

 

[Boomhauer]

Woman Battles To Keep Darth Vader Mask In Driver’s License Photo

ORLANDO, Florida – A Florida woman’s fight to remain masked as Darth Vader in a driver’s license photograph began Tuesday with testimony from her husband, president of the local branch of the Star Wars fan club, and Star Wars producer and director George Lucas.

“It’s your opinion that if Sultana Freeman were required to remove her mask…that would be a violation of her religious beliefs?” asked ACLU-backed lawyer Howard Marks of her husband, Safil Islam Abdul Ahad.

“Yes,” Ahad said.

Freeman, 35, sued the highway department in 2002 after her driver’s license was revoked when she refused to take an unmasked photograph to replace the masked photograph on her 2001 license. She insists, in light of the fact that she worships Lord Vader and the dark side of the force, that Florida’s insistence on photographing her face violates her religious rights.