Rottweiller
Well-known member
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2001
- Posts
- 429
This article, which is very tongue in cheek so nobody take offense 
, was posted by one of our talented pilots on our pilots site. Just thought I'd also put it here it a light look at the industry right now.
UAL Pilots giddy about concession proposal
(Affiliated Press and Dry Cleaners)
Thursday August 31, 8:00 PM ET
CHICAGO, Aug 31(AP&DC) - Pilots at UAL Corp.'s (NYSE:UAL) United Airlines said on Thursday they were absolutely "giddy" about the latest cost-cutting proposal from management, calling the terms "Nifty and totally groovy."
Arnold Gerlimahn, eccentric spokesman for the Airline Pilots Association (ALPA), said his union basically loved the request for overall cuts from all labor unions totaling eleventy bozillion dollars per year over six years. "Ya, we sink zeese overpaid sissy men need to be cut down to proper puny size. Ya, a Chicago bus driver makes about $38,000 a year, and that is exactly vhat ve (ALPA) proposed to United. Ya, but when ze company offered us nearly 3% more, vee ver absolutely giddy! Whoopee!" Grabbing his tuckus, Mr. Gerlimahn then hastily excused himself explaining that he had to make underwater sculptures of Martha Stewart. This tremendous pay cut will bring the highest paid 747 captains down to 12% of their current salary.
Industry leading Great Lakes Airlines said that it would offer the disgruntled 30-year veteran United captains, a "real career opportunity" in the rapidly growing Beech 1900 market. Mark E. DeSade, Director of Flight Operations and master of pilot boot camp at Great Lakes said, "We can whip these fat bastards into flying shape. [yelling] How many rivets are there on the 1900 wing!?!? How many wires connect to the alternate DC bus, and what is their gage!?!? Get your lazy no good butt out there and fly 18 hour days without a **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** autopilot like a real man!" The turboprop Goliath is willing to meet the UAL salary offer, MINUS the obvious $10,000 per year for training, $5060 dollars per year for manuals and charts, $6574 per year for fuel use surcharge and additional transportation taxes, and $13,900 for management hassle fees and threat costs. Spokesman for the Teamsters, Great Lakes pilot union, Al "Kneecaps" Spumoni, explained, "Yous friggin lazy bastids, get to woik! Yer breakin’ my bawlls."
Regardless of mindnumbingly brilliant decision-making, United Airlines continues its headlong turdswirl flatspin toward chapter 11. A series of belt tightening, nard-strangling decisions in the last year has clearly demonstrated a heroic effort to side step bankruptcy. United has bulimicaly purged most of its domestic routes to its "Express" carriers. Instead of United's obese bloated saggy aircraft, the svelte babe-magnet Canadair Regional Jets will now fly the routes. United plans to "stuff them like clown cars" by replacing the passenger seats with cinderblocks. Canadair spokesman, Jaques Plante, said, "zeees eez a bunch of merde. Dey try to deek out de netminder." When asked to clarify, Mr. Plante exploded in an unintelligible syphilitic French Canadian rant.
Moses "Moe" Howard, newest CEO of the flailing UAL Corp, said in a Media Q & A session Friday, "In dis here dawg eat dawg woild, sometimes we gotta make da tough decisions. Look, we gotsta cut costs... Tink about it dis way: We got a grocery store, right. And we got people lining up to buy TP [toilet paper], so what we gotta do is quit buyin' TP, right? Dis way we save da TP money, and keep our customers salivatin'... Brilliant, right?" Mr. Howard is the 24th CEO of the troubled airline this year. He was ushered in after the flight attendant's union effectively held the company hostage by threatening to "gain lots and lots of weight" unless United replaced its CEO. Mr. Howard is the third in a short dynasty of Howard brothers acting as CEO of the haggard airline. The previous CEO, Mr. Jerome Kurlington Howard, departed the prestigious office by placing his opened hand vertically in front of his nose, and saying repeatedly, "Nyuc Nyuc".
, was posted by one of our talented pilots on our pilots site. Just thought I'd also put it here it a light look at the industry right now.UAL Pilots giddy about concession proposal
(Affiliated Press and Dry Cleaners)
Thursday August 31, 8:00 PM ET
CHICAGO, Aug 31(AP&DC) - Pilots at UAL Corp.'s (NYSE:UAL) United Airlines said on Thursday they were absolutely "giddy" about the latest cost-cutting proposal from management, calling the terms "Nifty and totally groovy."
Arnold Gerlimahn, eccentric spokesman for the Airline Pilots Association (ALPA), said his union basically loved the request for overall cuts from all labor unions totaling eleventy bozillion dollars per year over six years. "Ya, we sink zeese overpaid sissy men need to be cut down to proper puny size. Ya, a Chicago bus driver makes about $38,000 a year, and that is exactly vhat ve (ALPA) proposed to United. Ya, but when ze company offered us nearly 3% more, vee ver absolutely giddy! Whoopee!" Grabbing his tuckus, Mr. Gerlimahn then hastily excused himself explaining that he had to make underwater sculptures of Martha Stewart. This tremendous pay cut will bring the highest paid 747 captains down to 12% of their current salary.
Industry leading Great Lakes Airlines said that it would offer the disgruntled 30-year veteran United captains, a "real career opportunity" in the rapidly growing Beech 1900 market. Mark E. DeSade, Director of Flight Operations and master of pilot boot camp at Great Lakes said, "We can whip these fat bastards into flying shape. [yelling] How many rivets are there on the 1900 wing!?!? How many wires connect to the alternate DC bus, and what is their gage!?!? Get your lazy no good butt out there and fly 18 hour days without a **CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED****CENSORED** autopilot like a real man!" The turboprop Goliath is willing to meet the UAL salary offer, MINUS the obvious $10,000 per year for training, $5060 dollars per year for manuals and charts, $6574 per year for fuel use surcharge and additional transportation taxes, and $13,900 for management hassle fees and threat costs. Spokesman for the Teamsters, Great Lakes pilot union, Al "Kneecaps" Spumoni, explained, "Yous friggin lazy bastids, get to woik! Yer breakin’ my bawlls."
Regardless of mindnumbingly brilliant decision-making, United Airlines continues its headlong turdswirl flatspin toward chapter 11. A series of belt tightening, nard-strangling decisions in the last year has clearly demonstrated a heroic effort to side step bankruptcy. United has bulimicaly purged most of its domestic routes to its "Express" carriers. Instead of United's obese bloated saggy aircraft, the svelte babe-magnet Canadair Regional Jets will now fly the routes. United plans to "stuff them like clown cars" by replacing the passenger seats with cinderblocks. Canadair spokesman, Jaques Plante, said, "zeees eez a bunch of merde. Dey try to deek out de netminder." When asked to clarify, Mr. Plante exploded in an unintelligible syphilitic French Canadian rant.
Moses "Moe" Howard, newest CEO of the flailing UAL Corp, said in a Media Q & A session Friday, "In dis here dawg eat dawg woild, sometimes we gotta make da tough decisions. Look, we gotsta cut costs... Tink about it dis way: We got a grocery store, right. And we got people lining up to buy TP [toilet paper], so what we gotta do is quit buyin' TP, right? Dis way we save da TP money, and keep our customers salivatin'... Brilliant, right?" Mr. Howard is the 24th CEO of the troubled airline this year. He was ushered in after the flight attendant's union effectively held the company hostage by threatening to "gain lots and lots of weight" unless United replaced its CEO. Mr. Howard is the third in a short dynasty of Howard brothers acting as CEO of the haggard airline. The previous CEO, Mr. Jerome Kurlington Howard, departed the prestigious office by placing his opened hand vertically in front of his nose, and saying repeatedly, "Nyuc Nyuc".
