New revenue ideas for airlines!

[millhouse21]

http://www.somethingawful.com/

Northwest Airlines

Internal Memo - CAUTION: DON'T LET SOMETHING AWFUL SEE THIS


To: Marketing; CEO; Airline Operations; Grandma
From: President of Gouging
Subject: R@RE L@@K New Pricing Guidelines and Cost Cutting Measures!!!! L@@K R@RE
As many of you well know the past few years have been hard for Northwest Airlines. While we are committed to customer satisfaction and quality we aren't that committed for Christ's sake. Give us a break here! These fuel prices are busting our asses. The days of pillows, in-flight meals, 2-ply toilet paper, and landing at the correct airport are over. We've got to raise prices and charge for every little thing someone could possibly enjoy on our airplanes.
Our crack team of marketing geniuses were up all night making this list and playing footsie under the board room table. Then we had a sleepover and told ghost stories. Effective immediately the following price changes and policy measures will be implemented.

Charging extra fees for aisle and emergency exit seats has been a smashing financial success. In addition we will now charge passengers extra to sit in other high demand areas of the plane including the pilot's lap, the wing, and inside the cabin.

For only $100 more passengers may ride on a celebrity flight with special guest captains Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Peter Graves.

Please change the flight announcement, "You are now free to move about the cabin" to "You are now free to move about the cabin, IF YOU'VE GOT DA BENJAMINS."

For only $50 extra per ticket passengers can experience their flight on a plane with landing gear. Otherwise our special "tuck and roll landing" flights remain the same low regular price!

For $25 extra passengers can purchase a special souvenir picture of themselves and their family coming in for a landing like on log rides. Say cheese!

Get seated near a crying baby again? For just $125 more we can have all children on the flight killed. Just say the word!

We've added a ton of new destinations! Fly from Los Angeles, CA to Orange County, CA for just $119.99! Laughlin, NV to Las Vegas, NV for just $99.99! Fly in comfort and style from your front door to your car in the driveway for just $89.99! Disclaimer: For all flights passengers will be driven to their destination on a bus or carried by one of our customer service representatives.

Our pilots aren't just great at flying planes! They also do parties. Just call 1-800-CLOWN-PILOT to book a captain for your birthday or bar mitzvah.

As a coach I would choose not to pay $15 extra per flight.

In addition to the fuel surcharge, the 9/11 tax recovery fee, and other taxes, we must now charge the public airspace tax, the cloud tax, and the big fat ass tax on all flights. These taxes are retroactive. If you've ever flown on a plane before some guys are coming for you. That goes double for those of you with fat asses.

All flights are "BYOJ" (Bring Your Own Jet Fuel).

We proudly take Visa, MasterCard, and American Express. We less proudly take blood, human hair, first-born children, broken bits of glass, and Discover Card. Sorry, we do not accept Paypal.

New profits don't just come from the poor bastards passengers flying with us. Customers on the ground are an untapped source of revenue. We have now installed coin-operated laser pointers near all runways where we fly. Blind a pilot, win a teddy bear!

All pilots are encouraged to siphon jet fuel from other airliners. Guard our own jet fuel with your life. He who controls the spice, controls the universe.

No talking on all flights. Conversation takes up expensive oxygen.

For only $199.99 plus tax we'll fly into a skyscraper of your choice.

NO FAT CHICKS.

Despite cutbacks we've added brand new planes to our fleet. Check them out here! Hop in! I said, hop in.

We will now steal pay homage to classic Simpsons gags in every update. Wait, that's from the Something Awful memo. Scratch that.

For only $49.99 passengers may carry on their own firearms and play cowboys and indians during their flight.

Due to the rising cost of spittoons all spitting will be confined to special spit-only sections of the plane. An additional surcharge may apply. Who are we kidding. It will apply.
Unfortunately while these cost-cutting measures are unavoidable we intend to give passengers the top of the line quality and service they've come to expect from Northwest Airlines. And if they don't like it, fark 'EM! Bill Jerkwad
President of Gouging
Northwest Airlines
​

There you have it folks. An exclusive stolen memo from Northwest Airlines. As a great rap group once said, "fark tha police." Keep this in mind when you book your next flight. As airlines fall further and further into the financial abyss the nickel and diming is only going to get worse.

 

[QuasarZ]

 

[minitour]

How about:

Charge more than it cost you to transport the seat from point A to point B.

It'll work for every airline.

-mini

 

[PAPA FOX!]

Here's what would work for sure. For $50 extra you can have your own personal stripper care to your every whim and desire!! No only will the airlines emerge from BK but flying will become safer too. Why, because when Al Queda hears about this they'll be too afraid to hijack planes for fear of catcting a glimpse of a naked woman!!

 

[JimG]

What's sad...

Is that your joke is probably about how the average passenger's going to view these sneaky ways to raise revenue.

They'd all be much better off raising fares up front like minitour posted.

Who knows....maybe public opinion on drilling for more oil (particularly in ANWAR) might change too.

 

[User546]

How about: Charge more than it cost you to transport the seat from point A to point B.

It'll work for every airline.

Great minds think alike, I opened this post just to make that same comment.

You probably wouldn't be $300 million in the can every quarter if you actually charged what the seats cost, and not what your competitor is charging!

 

[minitour]

I agree that charging what the seats cost would help the airlines, but I don't think that's a sustainable business model, either. There will ALWAYS be the much cheaper fare out there and that's what the majority of the "coach cattle" jump on... I know I do.

That's the nature of the customer. Biggest bang for the buck. We (as consumers) are all like that.

But a "sustainable business model" usually includes something like this:

Cost of Product > Cost to Produce Product

Pretty simple eh? I know I know...the low cost carriers will eat the Delta's alive...but that's the free market for ya. Eventually everything will even out and we'll all be back to $200 for one way...not a bad thing, not a good thing...just the way it needs to be.

-mini

 

[Rally]

How about to save weight and servicing we take the bathrooms out........
WOW