Ty Webb
Hostage to Fortune
- Joined
- Dec 10, 2001
- Posts
- 6,524
East Armpit, NJ, —Bob Lowecur, a State Farm life-insurance salesman for the past 27 years, is a tedious putz who fancies himself some sort of junior aviation analyst, local sources reported Monday.
"Did I ever tell you about that poor barber in Mississippi, Frank?" Lowecur said, addressing the owner of Frank Klemper's Fourth Street Barbershop. "Such a shame. He stepped on a push-broom, and the handle flipped up, hit his arm, and drove the shears he was holding into his eye".
Added Lowecur: "Killed him instantly, because of the brain trauma. Home lobotomy. Would've been safer crammed into the seat of an ERJ at FL310 over Kansas."
Lowecur has reportedly inserted hundreds of similar anecdotes into conversations during the past several years. Among his stories: a 1976 incident in which a tragic bus accident would have been averted if the driver had chosen to fly that day on an EMB170, an aircraft which was not even in production at the time.
"At this point, I'm almost afraid to say hello to Bob after Sunday services," neighbor Jane Francis said. "The last time I did, I remarked how good the coffee and Danishes were. The next thing I knew, he was touting some airline that don't even come in here, called Blue something-or-other and going on and on about some darn airplane made in Spain, or someplace".
"It was all "Jet-Blue this, and Embra-aire that' and then he tipped his hat, said 'Be Healed!,' and walked over to Tim Hutter, and started annoying him" Francis added.
Francis said Lowecur has a friendly smile, but his bad breath, brown teeth, and obnoxious desire to be an authority on matters he knows little about has basically secured his unmarried status in this town, unless he decides to become an expert in the "mail-order bride" industry as well.
Francis said she walked by Lowecur several minutes later, on the same Sunday, and overheard him telling Hutter about how Chicago was dying to get 'Jet Brew' in there, or something like that.
Holy Redeemer Baptist Church pastor Hal Jackson said he is "a little concerned" about Lowecur.
"Granted, Bob does a very good job selling life insurance and making sure all the townsfolk are adequately covered, but still," Jackson said. "His habit of blathering on and on about matters he knows little to nothing about can be quite tedious".
Asked about the reason for his obsession with aviation, Lowecur had only this to say.
"If you were an insurance dweeb like me, wouldn't you want something more interesting to talk about, even if it was a field you knew nothing about? Of course you would. And, hey, if I can piss off a half-dozen pilots a day, it makes me feel better about my pathetic little existence in my cubicle".
"Did I ever tell you about that poor barber in Mississippi, Frank?" Lowecur said, addressing the owner of Frank Klemper's Fourth Street Barbershop. "Such a shame. He stepped on a push-broom, and the handle flipped up, hit his arm, and drove the shears he was holding into his eye".
Added Lowecur: "Killed him instantly, because of the brain trauma. Home lobotomy. Would've been safer crammed into the seat of an ERJ at FL310 over Kansas."
Lowecur has reportedly inserted hundreds of similar anecdotes into conversations during the past several years. Among his stories: a 1976 incident in which a tragic bus accident would have been averted if the driver had chosen to fly that day on an EMB170, an aircraft which was not even in production at the time.
"At this point, I'm almost afraid to say hello to Bob after Sunday services," neighbor Jane Francis said. "The last time I did, I remarked how good the coffee and Danishes were. The next thing I knew, he was touting some airline that don't even come in here, called Blue something-or-other and going on and on about some darn airplane made in Spain, or someplace".
"It was all "Jet-Blue this, and Embra-aire that' and then he tipped his hat, said 'Be Healed!,' and walked over to Tim Hutter, and started annoying him" Francis added.
Francis said Lowecur has a friendly smile, but his bad breath, brown teeth, and obnoxious desire to be an authority on matters he knows little about has basically secured his unmarried status in this town, unless he decides to become an expert in the "mail-order bride" industry as well.
Francis said she walked by Lowecur several minutes later, on the same Sunday, and overheard him telling Hutter about how Chicago was dying to get 'Jet Brew' in there, or something like that.
Holy Redeemer Baptist Church pastor Hal Jackson said he is "a little concerned" about Lowecur.
"Granted, Bob does a very good job selling life insurance and making sure all the townsfolk are adequately covered, but still," Jackson said. "His habit of blathering on and on about matters he knows little to nothing about can be quite tedious".
Asked about the reason for his obsession with aviation, Lowecur had only this to say.
"If you were an insurance dweeb like me, wouldn't you want something more interesting to talk about, even if it was a field you knew nothing about? Of course you would. And, hey, if I can piss off a half-dozen pilots a day, it makes me feel better about my pathetic little existence in my cubicle".
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