Heard any good pilot jokes lately?

[EUT]

On the lighter side......

Whats the difference between a good flight attendant and a great flight attendant?......A good flight attendant says "good morning, Captain." A great flight attendant says "It's morning, Captain."

What seperates two raging alcoholics and a nimphomaniac?.......the flight-deck door.

What does a good FO say? " yes sir", "you're right sir", and "I'll take the fat one"

Whats the difference between God and a pilot?..........God doesn't think he is a pilot.

6:00 am FO calls the flight attendant: "our show time has been pushed back to 8:00, I'll call the captain and tell him." FA: "Don't bother, he's right here."

feel free to add your own....

 

[EOpilot]

What does a pilot's wife do with her a$$hole before sex?


She drops him off at the airport.

 

[LearAv8r]

Q: What is the difference between a F/A and a washing machine?



A: A washing machine won't follow you around for three days after you drop a load in it



_____________________________________________________________________


Q: How does a F/A get a pilot out of her room?



A: She throws the USA Today out in the hall.



Lear-

 

[DoinTime]

A woman was looking at the animals on display in a pet store. A man walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll take a Ramp Monkey, please". The shopkeeper nodded and took a monkey out of a cage. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the man, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The man paid and left with the monkey.

The surprised woman went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a Ramp Monkey. He can drive tractors, load cargo, and guide aircraft into gates. All with no back talk or complaints. He's well worth the money."

The woman then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one" replied the shopkeeper. "That's a "Flight Attendant Monkey, she's attractive and personable. She can serve drinks and meals, and even evacuate passengers from an aircraft in an emergency. A very useful monkey indeed."

The woman looked around a little longer and found a monkey with a $50,000 price tag. The shocked woman exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?"

"Well," said the shopkeeper, "I've never actually seen him do anything except drink beer and play with his dick. But his papers say he's a Pilot."

 

[JeffSKDTW]

How can you tell who at a party is a pilot?

They'll tell you.

 

[pilotyip]

How can you tell your talking to a pilot?

After 4 hours of talking about himself, he says lets talk about flying.

 

[mar]

How many pilots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

He just holds onto the bulb and the world revolves around him.

 

[Eagleflip]

How many pilots does it take to eat a 'possum?


Three...one to eat while the other two look out for cars...

 

[English]

What's the difference between a large pizza and a first-year regional airline pilot?











The pizza can feed a family of four.

 

[52Vincent]

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

--------
Tower: "Eastern 702, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
------

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way.

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

 

[suen1843]

Read this in another thread somewhere, but fits here.

How was copper wire invented?

Two captains fighting over a penny.

 

[pilotyip]

Pilot Watch

Pilot goes in a bar, sits next to a lady, lays his arm on the bar with his pilot watch showing. Lady next to him says "Wow there sure are a lot of dials on that watch" Pilot says "This watch can tell me many things, like right now its telling me you are not wearing any underwear" The lady says "That is totally wrong, I have underwear on". Pilot taps his watch and says "Yea, but this thing is about an hour fast"

 

[captainv]

what's the difference between a pilot and a jet engine?

a jet engine will eventually stop whining,,,

 

[Ailerongirl]

What do you call a F/O who's just been dumped by his girlfriend??






Homeless.....

 

[Rez O. Lewshun]

Whats the difference between a B777 Capt and a canoe?














A canoe can tip.

 

[BD King]

What's a captain's idea of foreplay?

Eight hours of begging.