George Carlin's Views on Aging

[RideTheWind]

Thought this was kinda funny.



George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing;
you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them "

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

 

[User546]

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin would NEVER say a couple lines like that!

The first part of the monologue sounds like him, but that ending just isn't Carlin material!

 

[Metro752]

Toot Toot, where is Thomas the Tank Engine when I need him.

 

[Daveman]

George Carlin would NEVER say a couple lines like that!

The first part of the monologue sounds like him, but that ending just isn't Carlin material!

Hmmm. You might want to check that, myself included. I could be wrong but I thought his wife died awhile back, maybe it changed his thinking?

He is a master of his domain.

 

[User546]

OK, I wasn't going to do this, but after the last post I decided to get on the internet and research the whole legitimacy of this topic.

Below are the results... (the suspense builds)
http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/c/carlin.htm

 

[Flechas]

I would have never picture Carlin saying stuff like that. I have his book and I think he's funny as hell. Those are good words though and we all should live by them at least once in a while.

 

[TonyC]

OK, I wasn't going to do this, but after the last post I decided to get on the internet and research the whole legitimacy of this topic.

Below are the results... (the suspense builds)
http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/c/carlin.htm

But, that's a different story. (Scroll to the bottom and look at the "real example of the eRumor as it has appeared on the Internet:")









.

 

[Daveman]

OK, I wasn't going to do this, but after the last post I decided to get on the internet and research the whole legitimacy of this topic.

Below are the results... (the suspense builds)
http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/c/carlin.htm

Hey brah, never tryin to upset the holder of my favorite avatar.

"and pray too seldom" quote from Carlin.?????
I'm an Irish Catholic ...........

 

[doh]

Jacques Chirac has said better

Saucisse is french for little sausage! No wonder you're angry. Did you know they can perform surgery to help you out! Granted, the girl who gave you your name is lost forever (first impressions and all that), but you could start over with some one else.

 

[skydash]

I guess we're lucky our wonderful nanny state government did'nt make George retire at age 60!

 

[User546]

But, that's a different story. (Scroll to the bottom and look at the "real example of the eRumor as it has appeared on the Internet:")

Now dangit... that wasn't the story that I ran across! I swear!

I did a search on Google for Carlin along with one of the lines from it and it pulled that up that as a result. Thanks for pointing that out though.

This could all be a big consipiracy going down against ole User....

Anyhow, I would agree that the first part might be Carlin - classic delivery, style, and material. But I absolutely refute that the list of 10 items at the bottom would be anything he said (having lost his wife or not.) Carlin would lose all his fans if he ever turned THAT soft!

And DaveMan I didn't post that as a refute to you, I just got curious after you posted that and I wanted to know for myself!

 

[User546]

This is one of my favorite Carlin monologue's, which he had done before Sept 11th occurred. Shows what a great visionist he is, and is dead-on so many points!

---------------

I'm getting tired of all this security at the airport. There's too much of it. I'm tired of some fat chick with a double-digit IQ rooting' around inside my bag for no reason and never finding anything. The whole thing is f**king pointless. And it's completely without logic. There's no logic at all. They'll take away a gun, but let you keep a knife! Well, what the f**k is that? In fact, there's a whole list of lethal objects they will allow you to take on board. Theoretically, you could take a knife, an ice pick, a hatchet, a straight razor, a pair of scissors, a chain saw, six knitting needles, and a broken whiskey bottle, and the only thing they'd say to you is, "That bag has to fit all the way under the seat in front of you.

And if you didn't take a weapon on board, relax. After you've been flying for about an hour, they're gonna bring you a knife and fork! They actually give you a f**king knife! It's only a table knife--but you could kill a pilot with a table knife.

Anyone can get on an airplane and I'll tell you why. They know they are not a security risk because they have answered the three big questions.

Question #1:

"Did you pack your bags yourself?"

"No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely lobster Newburg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four way 'round the world', and then they packed my bags.

Next question:

"Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?"

"No. Usually the night before I travel---just as the moon is rising---I place my bags out on the street corner and leave them there, unattended, for several hours. Just for good luck.

Next question:

"Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?"

"Well, what exactly is an 'unknown person'? Surely everyone is known to someone. In fact, just this morning, Kareem and Youssef Ali ben Gabba seemed to know each other quite well. They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest."

Airport security is a stupid idea, it's a waste of money, and it's there for only one reason: to make white people feel safe! That's all it's for. To provide a feeling, an illusion, of safety in order to placate the middle class. Because the authorities know they can't make airplanes safe; too many people have access. You'll notice the drug smugglers don't seem to have a lot of trouble getting their little packages on board, do they?

And by the way, an airplane flight shouldn't be completely safe. You need A little danger in your life. Take a f**king chance, will ya? What are you gonna do, play with your ***** for another 30 years? What, are you gonna read PEOPLE magazine and eat at Wendy's till the end of internal linktime? Take a f**king chance.....

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people---Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalist, and just plain guys from Montana---are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. That's the internal linkreality.

Angry men talkin' to god on a two-way radio and muttering incoherent slogans about freedom are eventually gonna provide us with a great deal of entertainment. Especially after your stupid f**king economy collapses all around you, the terrorists come out of the woodwork. And you'll have anthrax in the water supply and sarin gas in the air conditioners; there'll be chemical and biological suitcase-bombs in every city.

As far as I'm concerned, all of this airport security--the cameras, the questions, the screenings, the searches--is just one more way of reducing your liberty and reminding you that they can f**k with you anytime they want. Because that's the way Americans are now. They're willing to trade away a little of their freedom in exchange for the feeling---the illusion---of security.

What we now have is a completely neurotic population obsessed with security, safety, crime, drugs, cleanliness, hygiene, and germs. "

 

[User546]

Carlin on "Airline Announcements"
http://www.bartnet.net/~jmt/carlin_airline_announcements.mp3
2.87 MB - 16 min, 42 sec

Carlin on "American Bullsh!t"
http://www.bartnet.net/~jmt/carlin_american_crap.mp3
2.41 MB - 2 min, 37 sec

Carlin on "Airport Security"
http://www.bartnet.net/~jmt/carlin_airport_security.mp3
7.35 MB - 8 min, 2 sec

 

[Flechas]

Hahahaha thanks a lot User, those are funny as hell!!!