And now on the light side UPS maintenance

DUBLINFLYER

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Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly
routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P : Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 

SIG600

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Old, and not UPS related. Unless box haulers now have targeting radars.

Oh, and the line about never having an accident... Huh?
 

SWA Bubba

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Really old.

The comment about "#3 engine missing" doesn't mean it wasn't there, but rather it was a piston engine, and one of the cylinders wasn't firing in its programmed order (bad plug, etc.) If one or more cylinders in a piston engine misses (fails to fire), the engine makes a distinctive operating noise.

Not sure how long it's been since UPS (or any US military unit) has used a 4-engine aircraft with piston engines.

I've seen various incarnations of this list since I was in flight school, although some of them are still amusing.

Bubba
 

DUBLINFLYER

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Guys take a chill pill and relax your over stressed egos, try and see the joke here instead of ranting on some of the other threads - lighten up - grab a beer or three
 

LearLove

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By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

Dated?

I'm going to go out on a limb and venture to guess none of the "write ups" are even remotely true (like 97% of all aviation internet stories). Good entertainment though.

Next could you please please please post some 1990's internet posts by a military pilot on how HIS training is the best and he's better than everyone else bla bla bla...
 

Data

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Oh man, I've got a list of stewarde...flight attendant PAs that I've heard while dead heading...let me grab that list, it will go perfectly with these new Mx write-ups we've never seen before.
 

Ty Webb

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I remember seeing this 20 years ago. It was attributed to Quantas. It was old then.
 

fandango

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Wow, D-Flyer...tough room! Thanks for that....always nice to see the brighter side....

Keep it up!
 

say again

I love her ARSE!!!!
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Can't even have a joke on this site without people getting all bent-out-of-shape!
 
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