more flying humor

[Lrjtcaptain]

sorry if youve seen these before but they are good!

Flying humor !
>
>In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
>"I'll always remember a certain radio
>exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were
>screaming across Southern California 13
>miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from
>other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles
>airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor
>our movement across their scope.
>I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed."
>"90 knots" Center replied.
>"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."
>"120 knots," Center answered.
>We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as
>almost instantly an F-18 smugly
>transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.'
>There was a slight pause, then the
>response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
>"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a
>situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission
>coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized
>Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison."
>"Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"
>There was a longer than normal pause .... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"
>No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving
>a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller,
>with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get
>up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded,
>"We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."
>He was cleared.
>
>-------------------------------------
>
>The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
>He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the
>navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
>The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
>The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get
>me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on
>his chart table.
>The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
>"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before
>you will."
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
>of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned
>around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
>Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said,
>"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
>Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
>back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and
>I'll have enough parts for another one."
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
>because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
>Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a
>B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the
>dreaded seven-engine approach."
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
>to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
>position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and
>returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
>A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the
>problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
>explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new
>pilot."
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center,
>we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
>"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

[Axel]

" 'In the unlikely event,' the stewardess (sic) was saying, 'that we actually make it as far as a body of water before crashing, you can use your in flight snack to repel sharks.'"

--Dave Barry

 

[Typhoon1244]

Back in the Seventies and early Eighties, the Eastern-Delta rivalry in Atlanta occasionally resulted in "trash-talk" on the radio. One day, as a Delta 727 was taxiing out for departure, an Eastern DC-9 came up on ground and asked if the 727 would switch over to a discreet frequency.

Someone in the 727 responded, "anything you got to say, Eastern, you can say out here in the open."

After a pause, the DC-9 F/O transmitted, "o-kay...your gear pins are in."