AMRCostUnit
Back on the 737
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2004
- Posts
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Future press release:
AA First Officers Resign Enmass
Loiters News Service April 17, 2006
American Airlines' jetliners were grounded today due to all the copilots at the company tendering their resignations. One copilot contacted by Loiters by phone had this to say, "They can @#$# $%^&%$%&, those @#$%^%$$!! Another copilot had a less emotional response, "Those @#$#$%^&, they can #@#$$%^&#$!!" Loiters could not confirm the names as they were unintegligible because of the angry screaming into the phone.
Sources at AMR, parent company of American, say the "quit-out" revolves around the payout of a cash bonus known as a PUP to 1,000 of AA top managers. While AA employees took billons of dollars in pay and benefit cuts, and the company posted a $615m USD loss for 2005, the PUP paid out upwards of $100m USD right off the balance sheet. Is PUP is tied strictly to the stock price, not performance. "Those guys sure were smart not to link the payout to performance" said Hugh Cantrustme, an analyist at Byhye and Sello investments. "those guys lose bags like Saddam loses WMD!" It is estimated that the PUP would have paid out a total of $500m over the next three years.
That is, until all copilots quit.
AA spokeswoman Ima Lyon said "we just don't understand why they are so upset. The PUP payout is only a few dollars to a few managers. Really, that's all it is." She added, "I have a data sheet here that shows the average AA copilot works 4 days a month and receives $189,000 a year in compensation, so I really don't know what the problem is." As far as the flights were concerned, Ms. Lyon said, "come on out to the airport. Everything is going just fine."
The pilot union president Hunt Ralpher was being fitted for new power suits for his new AMR management position and was unavailable for comment. Head negotiator for the union, First Officer Sandy Wegottaflymore, was the only copilot that didn't quit. "I guess that I'll be next to upgrade" he quipped nervously.
In Dallas, AMR CEO Gerry Ourpay had this to say: "The pilot union was made well aware of this PUP. An AA Captain even went in front of the union board and informed them. We are told the board was so pleased they shouted at him." He then excused himself to head out to the the DFW airport to help recover the schedule. "After all, I am a pilot" he added.
VP of Human Resources Geoff Bendage was more candid, "We have the money and they don't" he said, referring to the employees. As far as the pilots go, "we wouldn't bonus in their general direction."
At the Miami airport, Loiters talked with several AA Captain's who were sipping cafe' con leches' and wondering what lie ahead.
"Those copilots have no idea how much it cost to fill up the gas tank on my boat" lamented Captain Scarab. "My ex-wives are going to have a cow. And make sure you quote me propertly on that statement." He also wondered "how much of a paycut will we have to take now?"
Captain Igotmine couldn't believe the audacity of the copilots. "I am this close to retirement. How could they do this? Sure, most of them were 20 year FO's but it would have their turn in a few more years. 3 years as a Captain makes a pretty good career." He declined to say how long he has been a Captain, although he added, "Well, there goes my plan to fly to age 65."
Captain Hightime was more upbeat. "I had a 97 hour month going. Maybe I can pick up an FO trip for time-and-a-half Captain pay." He excused himself to call crew schedule.
AMR stock was down over 50% in the morning session to 13.13 before trading was halted.
Loiters Copyright 2006. May be copied, reprinted and distributed without any express written consent.
AA First Officers Resign Enmass
Loiters News Service April 17, 2006
American Airlines' jetliners were grounded today due to all the copilots at the company tendering their resignations. One copilot contacted by Loiters by phone had this to say, "They can @#$# $%^&%$%&, those @#$%^%$$!! Another copilot had a less emotional response, "Those @#$#$%^&, they can #@#$$%^&#$!!" Loiters could not confirm the names as they were unintegligible because of the angry screaming into the phone.
Sources at AMR, parent company of American, say the "quit-out" revolves around the payout of a cash bonus known as a PUP to 1,000 of AA top managers. While AA employees took billons of dollars in pay and benefit cuts, and the company posted a $615m USD loss for 2005, the PUP paid out upwards of $100m USD right off the balance sheet. Is PUP is tied strictly to the stock price, not performance. "Those guys sure were smart not to link the payout to performance" said Hugh Cantrustme, an analyist at Byhye and Sello investments. "those guys lose bags like Saddam loses WMD!" It is estimated that the PUP would have paid out a total of $500m over the next three years.
That is, until all copilots quit.
AA spokeswoman Ima Lyon said "we just don't understand why they are so upset. The PUP payout is only a few dollars to a few managers. Really, that's all it is." She added, "I have a data sheet here that shows the average AA copilot works 4 days a month and receives $189,000 a year in compensation, so I really don't know what the problem is." As far as the flights were concerned, Ms. Lyon said, "come on out to the airport. Everything is going just fine."
The pilot union president Hunt Ralpher was being fitted for new power suits for his new AMR management position and was unavailable for comment. Head negotiator for the union, First Officer Sandy Wegottaflymore, was the only copilot that didn't quit. "I guess that I'll be next to upgrade" he quipped nervously.
In Dallas, AMR CEO Gerry Ourpay had this to say: "The pilot union was made well aware of this PUP. An AA Captain even went in front of the union board and informed them. We are told the board was so pleased they shouted at him." He then excused himself to head out to the the DFW airport to help recover the schedule. "After all, I am a pilot" he added.
VP of Human Resources Geoff Bendage was more candid, "We have the money and they don't" he said, referring to the employees. As far as the pilots go, "we wouldn't bonus in their general direction."
At the Miami airport, Loiters talked with several AA Captain's who were sipping cafe' con leches' and wondering what lie ahead.
"Those copilots have no idea how much it cost to fill up the gas tank on my boat" lamented Captain Scarab. "My ex-wives are going to have a cow. And make sure you quote me propertly on that statement." He also wondered "how much of a paycut will we have to take now?"
Captain Igotmine couldn't believe the audacity of the copilots. "I am this close to retirement. How could they do this? Sure, most of them were 20 year FO's but it would have their turn in a few more years. 3 years as a Captain makes a pretty good career." He declined to say how long he has been a Captain, although he added, "Well, there goes my plan to fly to age 65."
Captain Hightime was more upbeat. "I had a 97 hour month going. Maybe I can pick up an FO trip for time-and-a-half Captain pay." He excused himself to call crew schedule.
AMR stock was down over 50% in the morning session to 13.13 before trading was halted.
Loiters Copyright 2006. May be copied, reprinted and distributed without any express written consent.
